Growing Pains

June (or the happy post)

2010-06-19T20:34:00.000-07:00

Summer brings a whole new feel to the city. And that sense of doom i felt when i looked forward at my empty calendar subsides as i remember the joys of sitting in a park on the grass long enough to finish an entire book. the mood of freedom and celebration is thick in the air. the mermaid parade today was great fun. i found myself exclaiming 'yay, i love summer!' at least 3 or 4 times.
it helps that i worked a ton in april and may. it helps that i finally connected with work friends. that i have found people to go to all the museums and things with me. that i'm happy.
i'm going to the beach tomorrow. third time this week, second time for swinging, first time for my birthday.

last summer, the heat of my room was unbearable. this summer, i think-well, i'll just go to the park around the corner (it was closed last year) or i'll just go to the mall (why did i never think of that before? everyone in the mall seems to be there hiding from the heat. none of us have AC)

Tonight I saw RED on broadway. with alfred molina and eddie redmayne. the lighting was incredible. the sound was great. they didn't use mics! (which was problematic when the inevitable cell phones went off, but the rest of the time great. and i was sitting as far from the stage as possible!)
i need to see a play a week, just to remember how i love theatre. because i do. (i know, i've said it before)

The end of discovery

2010-04-30T16:01:00.000-07:00

The end of discovery

Can it be? This is what I thought about st. Louis when I was leaving
the first/second (not the last time).
And about NYC, it's not that I have seen everything. It's more that
it's all been seen, done, and redone. What can I possibly create or
discover in this city that hasn't been created, discovered, destroyed,
and created again.

...and here it is. Just this moment I have realized that beyond
exploration and discovery, I still have a drive to create. I want to
create. Be creative. Be on the cusp, the beginning of something. A
part of a new and better...something? (world. I still want to create a
better way for the world. Yes I want to be a part of it. But moreso, I
want to be at the forefront.)
Surprise, self! I still want that.

(Edit: I still feel that new york is all done. still don't know what i might do about this feeling)

2010-03-24T11:58:00.000-07:00

It's the same as saying only i can say mean things about my family, i guess. for me, i mean. Or maybe it's not. i'm having trouble trying to figure it out, or at least how to explain it, but it feels like i'm protecting the fortress of my own decisions.
i wanted to be an occupational therapist for a hot minute, but i pursued that to a certain point, and it didn't feel right. i found a place in new york that is the kind of place i thought i wanted to work. basically, it was a gym with OTs and PTs and such and they worked with the NY public school system. conceptually, when i was exchanging emails and asking questions, even in person asking questions about schools, i was like, this is ok. And then i met a couple kids, they were cute, it was all quite familiar... and there was nothing particularly wrong. it just didn't feel right. this gut feeling telling me, i don't want to be here. i was ready to leave an hour earlier than i was supposed to, and by the time i did leave, i was done. no more questions, no more interest.
was it that school? is it the feeling i have every time i encounter the ny public school system, that it just seems so dirty and convoluted?
that was in november, and 6 months later, i'm still not sure. and i'm still not ready to cross that career off the list, i just know that i'm not doing it here.
the list of careers i could potentially have, just not here, is growing. does this mean i'm in the wrong place? or does it mean that i really don't want those jobs? i'm not sure.
i feel like there is something out there that may be more Right for me...but i haven't found it yet.
for me to leave theatre again, i need to feel compelled. the basic bleeding heart non profit stuff elicits little more than a shrug from me these days. i might be getting too new york or too disconnected, but i feel a lot of the time like i'm empty and something is missing. except, about 70 % of the time, when i'm working in theatre. the work may not be perfect for me, it may be mundane at times, and not well paying at times, but it's the only thing i keep returning to, so that must mean something, right?
i need to find more work. i know. my family i'm sure worries as i don't really seem to be using my college degree, and don't seem to be quite making a living.
and yes, i do spend about 3 days a week thinking that perhaps i should think about doing something else.
all i know is that i love this world of theatre. and where else can i see the most talented actors in the world doing any number of high quality shows any night of the week? nowhere. so i've got to stay here.
but, you know, ask me again tomorrow.

Poetical

2010-03-13T23:45:00.000-08:00

I love memoirs. But lately they make me jealous. So often, when a
writer creates an autobiographical story, it is a part of that journey
to becoming a writer.
What about the rest of us? I don't want to be a writer. I don't have
the talent or inclination. But still I turn to books for guidance.
Maybe I should turn to people istead. But I find seeking career advice
is never very helpful. Either someone says, "well, what is it you want
to do?" Or they can only tell me how they came to be where they are
today. Neither is helpful.
I heard on NPR that kids in america today have a much higher rate of
anxiety because of how many choices we have before us. To become
anything we want to be. And knowing the choices before me... Well, it
mostly just makes me feel guilty. What right do I have? With my
moderate intelligence and excellent education, shouldn't I be doing
something important with my life?
I think that question keepse frozen in place. Well, and this one: you
can be anything in the world that you want to be. What do you want?
I Don't KNOW.
A few times I have given myself the advice to just pick something and
run with it. Well, I am running, but I think I am just running in
place. I feel no more certain or calm or confident than I did 6 months
or two years ago.

When I see someone doing what they want to be doing, I ache with the
desire to be them. When I meet someone in a potentially romantic
encounter, I find confidence in career choice sexy. I find uncertainty
entirely unappealing. This is how I know that I am squarely in the
middle of a long single period of my life. I haven't any idea what I
want. How very unsexy.

something must be done about his brain

2010-03-10T20:40:00.000-08:00

or the room. i had a great night. saw a wonderful play with autumn (Present Laughter) and was enjoying my nice walk home in only a light jacket. thinking positive thoughts about theatre and spring...
i got into the house, and i checked for mail, i washed my dishes, and climbed the stairs, tea in hand.
and then, as i mounted the stairs to my floor, the negative thoughts just sunk in. as i walked into my room, there they were. waiting for me.
so i've decided i need to redecorate somehow. not sure how yet. maybe a little rearranging of the furniture, an attempt at feng shui perhaps(not that i understand that art in the slightest)
if only i could be sure that the snow was done, i'd take teh plastic off the windows so i could get some fresh air. Do i dare? i feel like to unwrap the windows is to ask for the cold weather to return. or am i being too negative?

two things: one old one new

2010-03-08T20:19:00.000-08:00

Old News: I still like working in theater. New jobs still make me happy. And without even getting to see the set, I find the experience of working on an actual production is more rewarding. This show sounds cool, i'd like to go see it (i'd probably even pay to see it)
People say i'm silly/misguided for this. Theatre isn't where the money is! But I keep telling them, if I was in it for the money, i never would have ended up in this career field.
I find that every day that i work, i discover new things that I want to learn, and things that i'm not very good at. I don't think that being bad at something is a bad thing. Room for improvement means room to grow.
As I have said many times to many people, including probably in this blog: When i stop wanting to do my job well, When i stop caring about the end product, regardless of how it may reflect on me, then i know it's time for me to leave this job.

It's old news because I feel like I've said it before. It's like when i say, as i most desperately wanted to say to every person i spoke to today: Warm sunny days make me happy! This pre-spring tease is making me so excited i'm nervous. I know it's not going to last. It'll probably snow next week or something. But Sunshine! T-shirt weather! this makes me so pleased with life.

New:
And what's better than a blog by me? A blog FOR me! http://blogforamanda.blogspot.com
my friend ania has made a new blog, it seems for my benefit. that's what the title says anyway.
It's only a couple days old, but so far quite nice!

the anti list

2010-02-26T22:39:00.000-08:00

surprise! i keep dragging this blog back up from the forgotten depths of the interwebs. just when you and i both thought it was done.

See, i'm finding myself doing a lot of internet reading these days, and not a lot of actually doing anything. also, i read things an awful lot that are similar to sentiments i would have, but articulated better. or i find my own 'voice' annoying. or i think, why on earth would anyone want to read that?
but the internal dialog is persistent, and sometimes i need to let it ooze out my fingers so it can stop rattling around in my head.

i was thinking about lists. about how so many blogs are focused around them. how much people seem to enjoy putting things in lists. list your favorite albums. list your favorite movies. top ten internet faux pas. top 5 reasons why i never finished... whatever.

my new favorite blog did a "list your top ten favorite albums" which got lots and lots of responses. and i thought, i have nothing to add.
but today, a month later.. (i'm slow to think on things sometimes)...i realised that the idea that i have nothing to contribute to a discussion on music is silly. i listen to music. i love music.
i may not know and love every ani album ever. or every radiohead or u2 or any other appropriately cool band. but i love music. i tend to find something i like, and i devour it. i will listen to the same album daily for a week, a month, 6 months. even a year. ask my dad about the rent soundtrack.
so i looked at all these lists and i thought, how do i narrow it down to 10? and are there as many as 10? and it was too much pressure and i didn't do it.

me and lists. i have made lists of possible jobs/careers to pursue at least a dozen times in the last couple years. and i make to do lists. or made. not so much recently. not much to do recently.

but when it comes to ideas (not tasks), i find lists take away their strength. put it on a list and it's like it's already gone. oversimplifying and narrowing it down to a line on a page takes away its strength. like my resume. how do i squish all of the intangible and yet priceless lessons of failure into the space between two lines of text?

a stub

2010-01-22T17:30:00.000-08:00

Oh for the want of a camera! The cathedral at Amsterdam and 112 is lit
on top with dusky sunlight, while the rest is bathed in the gray of a
fading winter day. That in itself would be remarkable, but there is
also a half moon above, in the still daylight sky.
I mean, the sculpture istelf is remarkable, without the pretty lights
mother nature is throwing at it.

(also, that children's sculpture garden? Wow! I must return)

December strikes again

2009-12-20T13:49:00.000-08:00

I bet you thought I'd forgotten about this thing! I didn't. I just...haven't thought I had much new or of interest to say. After all, this blog is about a journey and all the bumps in the road. The time spent here at STNJ has actually been a pretty smooth journey. All the things that scared me and angered me and blew my mind at the beginning have smoothed over by now. Slowly I have come to be more confident in my job, more open with my coworkers. I actually talk to the actors now. It's a little funny and a little frustrating. Sure, different casts have moved in and out every 7 weeks, but it has taken 7 1/2 months for me to open up around them. So I missed out on all the other cool people this year and getting to know them the way I have this cast.

In much the same way, I feel I really hit my stride here in the last month, and I find myself a little sad to see this experience coming to and end. But not really. I remind myself to simply be grateful that I am departing this place on an upswing. Better leave with happy thoughts and continue my journey elsewhere than to stay here and become stagnant and angry.

And the snow! Oh, the wonderful snow outside! How it harrasses me with its beauty and its coldness. The grey skies and breath-catching temperatures push me inside even as I wish to climb mountains in the sunshine.

I seem to have found some peace here.

Why I Blog - The Atlantic (November 2008)

2009-11-07T16:49:00.000-08:00

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200811/andrew-sullivan-why-i-blog

Great essay about blogging

Push by Sapphire

2009-11-06T19:34:00.000-08:00

Now that I have finished it, I understand why this book is now a movie.

I heard an interview with Sapphire today. She said that people have
continuously asked her for the rights to make this book into a movie
since it first came out in 1996. She said she's happy with the movie.
She said that in Utah (presumably at Sundance) a white woman in the
audience said in response to the film that she would now look at a fat
black woman and see her as a person: (emphasis mine)
"After seeing this film, she had to deal with an obese black woman as a feeling, intelligent person, as a person who dreams, as a person who wants the things that she wants. So we brought up a stereotype, and we cracked it open, and a human being comes forth." (link to interview)

This book is about the incredible journey of this one girl to
overcome the terrible hand she was dealt and begin to be a part of the
world. She learns that she needs not fight the world on her own.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this book is about these tragic stories,
these abused women and the sorrow of their lives, but I don't think
so. The girls that Precious (the main character and narrator) meet in her literacy class, each has her own way that she has fought to overcome. They can find the beauty in their lives, and I
think what Sapphire wanted to show was the resilience of people, of
women.
At least that's what she said to me.

what's in a name?

2009-10-22T14:34:00.000-07:00

I'm not always sure i can exactly explain the significance a name has, but i've changed mine. so if you ever use the url to get here, it's different now.

art to science

2009-10-07T14:33:00.000-07:00

When i was younger, i had no interest in anything science. That was the thing my mom did. that was what my brother did. it was for geeks. it was too much memorization. It had nothing to do with me, and it wouldn't affect me if i didn't pay attention to it. ...why did i think that?
and the environment. all through college, i had these super hippy friends who were obsessive about recycling and reusable water bottles and stuff. and i just figured, that's their thing, i've got mine. even in americorps, when i started, i just shrugged off all the environmental stuff. i figured, sure, i'll recycle, that's a good thing to do. this reusable water bottle is kind of nice, saving me money and all, and never thought beyond that. i liked hiking, but i didn't want a project to build trails. what a waste! i thought.
and then i changed my mind. when? i'm not sure. Maybe it was going to a place (st. bernard, louisiana) that didn't have things like recycling. a place where my reusable water bottle wasn't quite so much use to me since the water wasn't drinkable. a place where trash was piled everywhere. maybe it was going to a place where we couldn't swim in the gulf because of the pollution (biloxi, mississippi) even 2 1/2 years after the hurricane. How scary is that!

So now, i find that all this science stuff is incredibly interesting. Instead of tossing away the science section of the NY Times, i pick it up eagerly. (Did you see this?

Science helps art

FINDINGS

A High-Tech Hunt for Lost Art

By JOHN TIERNEY

Published: October 6, 2009

Leonardo da Vinci probably would have loved the use of scientific gadgetry to locate his lost masterpiece.

How amazing is that?)

and today, i listened to an entire radio program on radiolab about parasites. and found it interesting! in fact, i found it fascinating, it made me laugh, i was so intrigued that i got home and had to go online to find the podcast and listen to the rest of it.

have i changed? has the nature of presentation changed to make it more palatable for me? or have i just started finally paying attention?
and why did i ever stop liking science?

actually, i think i know the answer to that question. When i was in 8th grade, i started really struggling in my science class. I'd never struggled to grasp an idea before. i'd never had trouble learning and getting good grades. and for the first time, i did. and i tried, but i never quite got good at it, so i was frustrated. so i guess i gave up.
all those years of learning cool sciencey things i missed out on!

have you hugged a tree recently? because it's awesome.

(photo from this guy)

what makes a friend?

2009-10-05T21:30:00.001-07:00

I was watching Dexter tonight. i know, all my references are to tv shows these days. don't hold it against me. but anyway, i was watching in the 3rd season(if anyone who reads this is familiar with the show, and i don't think you are) in which dexter, the lonesome sociopath, meets a friend. he questions how far to trust a friend, how far does he go for this person and how far does this person go for him.

and to me, the questions were always so simple. maybe it was the way i was raised, but i think part of it is just me. i have this notion that everything i have is for the giving, that a true friend is the person who is eager to talk to you about anything, and will bend over backwards for you when you need something. I've needed my friends to deal with me going crazy, and coming back again. Family, of course, is there when you need them, and there when you don't. that's a given to me. (and yes i know how lucky i am that i have them to take for granted)

who would i get up in the middle of the night for? and would you do the same for me? how does a friendship survive when the parties involved have different definitions of who they are to each other? we each have our own value systems, our own upbringing, and our own self preservation.

::tangent::
i just looked up where the phrase bleeding heart liberal came from. turns out it means someone who is excessively compassionate. excessively compassionate? how does one have sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it too much? feeling sorry for someone, having pity, those are apparently synonyms of compassion. but i disagree. because pity and feeling sorry for someone have, in this day in this country, the implication that you feel you are better than someone. but compassion? com means with, and i don't think compassion means with passion. not to me, at least. to me it means that you are, in your own mind, sitting just next to this person feeling bad right along with them about what is happening. it means you want to do something about it because you see that something needs to be done. it means taking power with your sadness and turning them together into good. so when i hear the term bleeding heart, and someone tries to make it a negative thing, it doesn't work. because i just think, yeah. that's me.

::end tangent::

it's just that i think that if i can feel that much emotion towards someone i don't know, other than they are a fellow human being, how can i not feel that for a friend? and if i feel that strong connection toward my friends, how can it not be mutual?

so, dexter, what makes a friend? trust? respect? mere company? does a person have to have something in common with you to be a friend? i've found it remarkable recently to realise the people i talk to the most i have the least in common with. no similar music taste. or work. no shared history. no shared outlook on the world. what do we have in common? nothing. what do we talk about? well, i couldn't quite tell you sometimes. but somehow, i've learned, all humans are connected. once you find the point of entry, any person can be a friend.

so. making friends, i can do. keeping them... i'm having a harder time with that. and what do we do when the other person isn't living up to that friend code? then what?

what ends a friendship? how many of those secret rules must be broken, how many days of disappointment until you cross a person off the list? i've crossed 3 people quite definitively off my list in the last 6 years. does this make me more harsh with my list? does this make me a bad person?

A great fear

2009-09-30T10:54:00.000-07:00

I just read an article in bitch magazine. It was interesting and incredibly well written. The blurb at the end led me to the auther's blog, which is also interesting well written. I felt engaged and curious about topics unrelated to me that usually I would just ignore.
But the writer herself is a person I am most afraid of, so I won't be reading that blog anymore.
I don't think I have ever encountered something that so completely filled me with "I don't want to be that person" fear. Single, intelligent, even funny. Also, 40 years old, single, and having never held a meaningful job.
This is a position I had never considered for myself until recently. I have a housemate who is in his mid 40s and his aloneness overwhelms me, and on some level, (though I hate to admit it) disgusts me. But I think my disgust is like that of the homophobe who is really a closeted homosexual. Is that me? I know I am only 25 and that in any person's life, anything can happen and life can change so quickly... But I am alone. This fact is brought home to me regularly as I encounter so many of my friends paired off. And in my priority of finding a job that I can be passionate about and proud of, well I'm not doing so hot in that category either.
A lot of this fear comes from my recent life experience, which has solidified in my mind that I am an Adult. And as TV tells us, once you are an adult, life is really just one long drone. Days, months, and years run together. Once a person achieves the status of grown up, the time from 25 to 40 can happen in the blink of an eye. Right?
Goodness, I hope not. It is my greatest fear.

2009-09-23T17:20:00.000-07:00

Coming Out in Middle School

By BENOIT DENIZET-LEWIS

Published: September 27, 2009

How 13-year-old kids are dealing with their sexual identity — and how others are dealing with them.

link to article

This is the reason i no longer feel the need to carry my sexuality as a secret and a burden. 12 year olds are proudly coming out. And while i know i was too shy and not self aware and all that to be able to even know who i was at 12, i'm impressed that kids today are not afraid. So if people half my age are talking openly about their sexuality in big cities and small towns all over the country, who am i to think that my sexuality will matter to anyone other than the people i want to date.

2009-09-20T11:21:00.000-07:00

So here i am, once again, questioning what to do next. And what i'm doing now.
Let's review, I took this theatre job because i missed theatre, i missed the idea of it, and wondered if i really missed it. I thought, surely this place where i started out is a good place to test this.
Now here i am, a little more than halfway through and realizing either this wasn't the right place, or i in fact don't want to do this. Which is it, though?
The thing I loved so much about theatre, when i actually loved theatre, was that I was able to combine my creative side with my practical side. I could climb ladders, hang and build things, creatively problem solve, and create art in collaboration.
Well, my current job allows me to take part in all but that last part, and that's the part i think may have been essential. Maybe i need to find a good community theatre to work at in my spare time, while doing something else. (And here we get into my cycle of obsessive questioning)

I obviously don't know what i want. I want somethign different every day, and the only thing i'm certain i don't want are the things i've already done and therefor eliminated. So living with a team of teenagers is a no. a career as a barista is a no. and a lifetime as an electrician is a no.

I know that i am not alone in this search and struggle. I know that each time i figure something out it helps me further make these decisions. But what happens when i run out of things to try?
And even harder for me, scariest of all at the moment, is breaking into a new field. I feel like I have no qualifications to do anything else. Or maybe i don't even feel qualified to do what i'm doing now.
I walked around campus this morning, wondering at the uselessness of my education here. What good did it do me to have this degree with no tangible skills? Here i am, 4 years of education and 3 years of "real life" later and i feel like i am no more prepared to be an adult than i was at 18. And less even. At 18 i had the arrogance of youth to tell me i was good at things and going to be great. Now i don't even have that.

fear

2009-08-19T23:47:00.000-07:00

Sunday night, someone broke my car window in an effort to break into my car. Lucky for me, they found nothing valuable, or maybe they got scared off. But either way, nothing was taken. I sighed, thought about how grateful i was that it was sunny on monday and tuesday until i could get it replaced, and moved on. I went and had a relaxing day on the beach... I just moved one.
But not quite. I find myself looking at the various groups of teenagers, who i see regularly in my neighborhood, and wondering if these were the kids that broke my window. I find that i am a little less comfortable walking from my car to my house at midnight after work.
And this makes me mad. I like my neighborhood. I do feel safe here. but now what? I have a new window, but i find myself thinking, is this a safe street for my car? Do i want to walk down this area where the street light is blocked by the trees? How save can i be when my car can be brokent into in front of a church?
I feel better thinking about it as if it's a couple of obnoxious kids. I had made the mistake of having my window cracked, which i think probably makes it easier to break. Because if it's just a couple of kids playing a prank, then i can go on thinking of this as a safe place. But right now, i find myself feeling suspicious of every person i see wearing hood styles and out late at night. And i hate that i am thinking that way.

2009-08-19T08:39:00.000-07:00

I've had an epiphany. and then i didn't know what to do with this new self knowledge. And so i held it, and it festered... for a week. which inside my head feels like a long time. And finally yesterday, i sat and talked to one of the run crew guys about this new sudden awareness i had.. and then this morning, i woke up with a weight lifted off my chest. i felt that i was able to finally spring out of bed again, after the last month of each day being harder and harder. I guess, on the surface, nothing has changed. but in my head, there is clarity. this makes all the difference.

flying by

2009-07-06T07:35:00.000-07:00

does it seem to anyone else that life happens at a different speed in the summer? Friends get married, school is over, living situations change. it feels as i read my facebook newsfeed, which is pretty much my only connection to the world outside of the Shakespeare Theatre of New Jersey these days, that people are out there living life at a speed that astounds me. how do i catch up? keep up? do i need to?
I remind myself sometimes, when i start doubting what exactly it is that i am doing here, that this current place i am in was not something i stumbled into or let fall into my lap. I consciously thought out each step of it with planning and awareness.

And what i most need to learn is that sometimes, you need to stop worrying about the next step and live. I am still certain that i want to have adventures, that i want to have a blast and a thousand stories by the time i turn 30. But i also feel that i don't want to sacrifice real experience and real connections for always finding the next thing. It's not as if i'm going to be dead at 30.
There are so many things that i still want to do, and they range from here to the other side of the world. But at the same time, i look at the people around me who have been in this company for a few years and see, beyond the frustration that comes with this company, the fact that they have connections and assurances. They have confidence (which sometimes comes across as arrogance) that they know what they are doing and they know how things work here. I just feel unsettled. and sometimes frustrated. and often like perhaps this wasn't the right path. but each time i question my decision to come and work here and live on the east coast again, i remind myself that i made this decision consciously, and that in some way that i am not yet fully aware of, following through on this commitment to the end is going to be a great benefit to me and lead me to better places.
so i've made myself feel better once again. but man, does it sound amazing to live in nepal or sudan or china or go to grad school in england or wales.

100th blog, 25th birthday

2009-06-21T23:19:00.000-07:00

I'm 25 now. I am not so young as to think i'm now a grown up and know all there is to know.
I do feel that 25 is significant. I was concerned about where i'd be when i turned 25. Living at home and working at barnes and noble part time was not an option. I feel more confident recently that the decision to come back east and work here at the shakespeare theatre for the season was the right one. Whether it is followed by more work in theatre or something entirely different, this was a decisive step for me.
I'm also finding that there are a great number of benefits to my life sabbatical (aka my 8 months at home). I spent the first 2 months recuperating from ...various things. And as anyone who is a regular reader of this blog knows, i spent a good 6 months obsessively thinking about careers and my future. With no real answer. But in the process I find that i came to peace with a lot of things. I found some perspective. Working with Sarah, working at B&N with people from all walks of life all searching for the right thing. Walking away from theatre for 2 years to do some very real world things and come back to it. I think I am able to see things in better perspective than i was able to 2 years ago. Or even one year ago.
Life Lesson Learned.
I know that the knowledge I have gained is entirely personal, and the understandings i have may not be true for any other person, but i know what is true for me. I even understand that my own truths and beliefs probably will change. A determination to have perspective allows me to be open and flexible when i am introduced to new ideas and new ways of doing things. (at least that is the plan)

I wish very much at this moment in the tech marathon i'm running that i could take a moment to take a day to myself, to simply be by myself and with myself. But tech is upon us and time is limited, so i will use my time and do what i can. finding zen in 30 minutes or less

This is awesome

2009-05-20T05:57:00.000-07:00

A 9 year old third grader speaking out for equal marriage rights of
his own volition. How amazing is that?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKB4sOdy-PI

Incomplete

2009-05-12T09:43:00.000-07:00

I feel somehow incomplete today. I've checked all the ordinary things,
I am wearing all required items of clothing, I have my wallet, cell
phone, and iPod with me. In the most basic sense, that's all I need.
I'm not sure what it is.
I feel it might have something to do with my weekend's activities. The
simple act of reconnecting with friends, remembering what it feels
like to be around people I have the purest affection for, and then
some... To be in that environment, the part of college I miss the
most, and then leave it again. I have gently covered that little hole
in myself with self-assurance. I don't need anyone. But then I find
myself melting back into the place where I both knew I needed that
community and had it, it's painful each time to depart again.
I don't know if I am making sense.
I have been dealing with this more often and more specifically lately.
Being at Drew without actually being at Drew, it's hard. I remember
the emotions of being there, and really being a part of something.
It's what I have been seeking since the moment I graduated. But can it
really be repeated? We all grew into ourselves together. Even seeing
the people I lived with or partied with, it's not quite the same.
I don't want to spend my life living on memories. I have always prided
myself on being firmly in the present. But I don't feel like I am.
Maybe STNJ wasn't the right destination after all. There is more
baggage in this place and this position than I was prepared to deal
with. But I am here, I am forging new paths through the ruin of the
old ones. Developing new friendships with old friends. This place
still has the chance to be right.
But how long will I have to walk around incomplete before I get there?

Oy Tech!

2009-05-08T21:05:00.000-07:00

The tech process for this last show was particularly grueling, and I am still catching up from it. We opened a week ago.
I finally put away my clean clothes, now that most of them are dirty again. And i put new blinds in the bathroom- the old ones were disgusting. I still haven't taken the shelves out of my back seat because I still haven't made room for them. My tv doesn't talk to my DVD player for a reason I can't figure out. And I have picked out just the right futon that I want, and have decided I want to buy these curtains I saw in the city last week. I'm just not prepared to spend that kind of money right now.
But in general, this place suits me. There is a layer of dirt covering much of the place, which I am attacking bit by bit. I wish the landlord would take care of a lot of things. But the list is so long I suspect that he will not. But the area is wonderful. Literally everything is close by. The parking is a headache, but even when I park far away I find I do not mind because I like looking at the trees and architecture.

Even so, I feel very temporary. I have been here a month but it feels still like I just got here. I guess it is better than already being sick of a place, huh?
There are some things, like moaning about work and family stuff, that I am not prepared to talk on in a public forum. But if you're curious, email me. We can catch up:)

Grass isn't really as green as you remember, or half thoughts on the topic of stress

2009-04-28T22:24:00.000-07:00

I'm struggling. It's been a rough tech, and it's not really the hours. Though they are long. It's the fact that there is so much anger and tension in every moment of the day. No one seems particularly happy and everyone is killing themselves. For what?
And so, in this environment, I think to myself, why did I do this again? I could be in st louis. But that's just the stress talking. It was time for me to leave st louis no matter what. And I did want this. I think I just need to find something to help shield me from the things at work that hurt the most.
I do have a lot of it covered. Whenever people start being really negative, I start to hum whatever little tune pops into my head. Examples this weekend include the toys r us song and the theme from I dream of jeanie. It works. I end up just laughing and think everyone probably thinks I'm crazy.
What I struggle with is when someone speaks to me in a disrespectful tone. Or treats me as if I were incapable of... Well the list is long.
But I realized today that with that tone, the one that irks me so very much? I know I have heard that very tone come out of my mouth. And I wonder that I alienated people? But I want to learn from this. I want to be able to have responsibility and operate under stress and still have the people who report to me feel that I respect them. And I know I need to let myself be in that position in order to test it. When I left camp in august I said I wouldn't take any position of leadership for years and possibly ever again. Probably impossible. But now I wince at having to ask others to do the most straightforward things. I literally think to myself each time, please don't hate me for this...
I'd rather never use my head again and be liked/respected by the people around me than be in a position that I get that tone and make those enemies.

I think this often. That's all I'm going to say on that topic.

Nose to the grindstone

2009-04-25T14:29:00.000-07:00

You have to take the bad with the good, it isn't always fun, it isn't
always sunshine and roses. I appreciate that reality check. Andy just
reminded me of these things. And while it didn't specifically make it
any better, I do feel better because I've regained my perspective. I
promised myself I wouldn't lose it and I did.
But I'm back now, and hopefully the rest of the day will go better.

Typical

2009-04-12T21:14:00.000-07:00

I'm typical me fashion, I expended so much effort focusing on not worrying that I went in the opposite direction and failed to prepare at all for my first day of work. I forgot I still had boxes upstairs to load into my car until midnight and I never found that moleskine of mine and I've lost my glasses. So I have to get up in the morning with plenty of time to get all these things done and still be on time- preferably early tomorrow.
I think I would have been better off letting myself think ok this while the sun was still out rather than sitting here now when I should be sleeping.
(I still want to come back here tomorrow night and avoid my new place, as silly as that may be.)

big day tomorrow

2009-04-12T18:08:00.000-07:00

I start tomorrow at STNJ. I guess i could write out all my worries about my first day, but there isn't much of a point, to be honest. I trust myself enough to know that I will get there tomorrow and it will happen and it will work. I will be honest about what i don't know and careful with what i do. I will wade cautiously through the first show, but when i get through it i will be ok.
that's what i keep saying to hush all the fears that are running full speed through my head. it wil be ok. i will be ok.

then i am going to go be in my new apartment by myself tomorrow night. I think i'm actually more worried about that then the work. for reasons i can't really explain, considering my love of alone time and my appreciation for the space i had to myself while living at home, i'm afraid of that first night alone in the apartment, and i'd like to continue postponing it, but i don't think i can. this is the time.

and yet, alone

2009-04-10T19:00:00.000-07:00

I keep having these moments when i am struck by the fact that striking out on my own means i am alone. I begin a day at a freelancing job, and i am struck that i am in this alone. I go to see an apartment that i will share with 2 strangers, and i realize how much i will be living alone. These people will not be my friends. They will be strangers that i share space with. We may share a kitchen and a bathroom, but this is not an equation for friendship.
It's a little sad to me. I yearn for community. I know that i will have the community i am looking for in my job. I know that i will be supported in this, and i like the area. but i don't know. i came to like living with my parents. I had the space to myself that i needed and wanted, but when i wanted to be with family, they were there. and they need me too, it's nice to be needed.
i can't live in my parents house or woco all my life, but i wonder if it's what i'm going to always be looking for.

i'm moving into a new apartment tomorrow. And just like every step of this journey that i'm on, i should be excited, but instead i am nervous, worrying and planning and considering, but not excited. i hope that like my trip to europe and my return to the east coast last week, the excitement will come later, and that the good of this situation will outweigh the not-so-good.

Adjusting my brain

2009-03-31T21:25:00.000-07:00

It's a good kind of sad, I think. I am going to miss these new friends and new safe spaces I've created for myself here in StL. But I feel no hurt, no betrayal. Obviously I am still feeling those past situations as I said, what, 2 days ago? But it just makes the good stuff that
much sweeter.
I always make those friends at the end, the kind that make you say, why didn't we do this sooner? I like those. Those people that still seem cool in the intriguing sort of way. So I want to hold on to this moment. I feel good about who I am and who I have been in this space. (I think I have hurt my dad in my determination to stay firmly planted in my own head, but I'm not convinced I really could have helped that.)

Remember when you were sad in that happy kind of way?
Let's smile about it a little bit together.

saying goodbye

2009-03-28T13:38:00.000-07:00

I've had my last day of work at both of my little jobs. Part time work at barnes and noble, and substitute personal care assistant at the smiths.
When i got home in august, i felt so completely defeated. I faild at americorps, i failed at camp. how do you fail at that, how did i fail at that? but i felt very much that i had, no matter what my friends and family said. I had this idea that i just needed to get a job, and be good at it, prove to myself that i can do well, i can be likeable and succeed.
I can confidently say that i have walked away from both places in a good way. I know they like me, respect me, appreciate my work, and will miss me.
But i wonder if this feeling of constantly proving to myself that i can succeed and i'm not a quitter... i wonder how long i will continue to feel the need to prove this to myself. I certainly feel it with this new job. I know that i will be in charge again. not completely or all the time, but there will be people who will report to me, and i want very much to prove to myself that i am not a bad leader. I don't want to be the scary bitch that everyone hates. i would rather be a minimum wage cafe server at barnes and noble for the rest of my life than feel the way that i did about myself for most of this summer.

but this was supposed to be positive! I've left this place in such a good way. I could go back to these jobs, i can get references from them. i have good memories and good friends. and the best part of this 8 month life sabbatical of mine, i feel better. i feel rested and ready to tackle the world. i have this sense that i can walk into something new without the weight of years of stress and anxiety on my shoulders. i think that's how it should be.

life changes

2009-03-16T08:06:00.000-07:00

When i decided to take this trip i just returned from to Europe and the east coast, i had this sense that i was starting the ball rolling again. Ania echoed that thought when she said she saw good things coming my way soon.
I'm glad i took this time to live under a rock for a few months. Actually, it'll be 8 months total. I think i needed it. I think everybody probably needs time to just be without stress and bills and pressure to move up in the world. Now i feel actually ready to jump in and work the long hours, to find a place to live and pay all my bills and be a responsible adult. I feel ready to consider my future as an actuality instead of just imagining different directions i could go. I mean, i'm still going to imagine. But then i think i'm ready to actually jump forward and do something.
It seems to be something of a pattern for me. I think about and consider things forever, then when i finally make the decision, it feels sudden to me. I thought about theatre and non profits and different places to move and directions to go. And i always came back to moving back east and working in new york. So to have decided to move back to new jersey and work at Shakespeare Theatre of New Jersey, in a position (lighting assistant) that was offered to me year after year starting when i was a sophomore, it just seems like the right choice.
And with that simple decision, comes so many others! Now i have to find a place to live, and put the car in my name and find new car insurance and finally get rid of all teh crap here and figure out what to take with me and so on and so on.

This is my first "real" job. I guess everyone has their own definition of a real job. And i've had a lot of jobs both before and after graduating from college. But this is the first one that feels like a real, you've finished school and now you have a job kind of job. I'm nervous, worried that i don't know enough but know at the same time that i do. I feel like for the first time i'm doing something that will truly challenge me.

When i think of my time as an intern and overhire for STNJ, i remember lots of climbing around, having a great time hanging lights and making things work. I remember also that many people around me always seemed so grumpy about the job we had to do, which confused me. It still confuses me. I mean, it's not a career you go into as a fallback, why would you work in theatre if you didn't absolutely love it?
I'm nervous because i know at some point i will have people who report to me. And i'm afraid because i know what an unlikeable hardass i was at camp, and i want to be liked. I want to be respected but also liked. I think it'll be different. No one goes into an unpaid internship thinking it'll be relaxing or easy. They go in expecting to work, hopefully they'll be like i was or morgan was, and eager to work.

You know what kind of sucks? When i get out of work in the evening and wish i could talk to my friends, the ones i've been hanging out with recently... and i realize that one, it's 3 am there, and 2, i they live a million miles away.
(ania, lena, i miss you)

reverse culture shock

2009-03-06T03:41:00.000-08:00

There really ought to be a better way to explain the feelings that apparently inevitably come upon returning to native soil. Upon arriving in a foreign country, i never feel like i am shocked by the different-ness. i'm more overwhelmed, and it comes on usually quite slowly. maybe they should call it culture-whelmed.
But being back! whoa! it all just came racing back! Every minute, from the time i sat down at the gate in Berlin. Is that an American accent? Why does Newark airport suck so much? How on earth did i go from an apartment in Berlin to doing my laundry in Riker's basement in less than 12 hours?
Sometimes I think traveling by boat across the ocean was sort of the right idea. It seems so strange and so wrong that i could go from having tea in my own kitchen to navigating the public transport system in a foreign city in one day, and then from an apartment in Berlin with friends from all over the world to doing laundry and eating dinner in a Jersey town that usually feels all too familiar.

I think I will attempt to recap my trip a little later on...
For now I'll just say a few things about yesterday.
I went to Shakespeare Theatre of New Jersey to have what I guess could be called an interview. The interview portion went like this: I know how you work, I know that you're good and i can trust you, we pretty much just need you to talk to the money guy about what would be a reasonable amount of pay for you. He also said he's got another guy to interview, which i am grumping about but i suppose is pretty acceptable since i don't even know if i want to take the job yet.
So. The plan is, in the next month i will be preparing to either move back to jersey and work at STNJ, which would be a job that would continue until december. OR i will be looking into jobs teaching at a montessori school in one of the small handful of cities i hear calling my name. (ie, going west) and hopefully signing up to WWOOF and spend my summer doing that. Which do i want? I don't know. The second one sounds more exciting, and more challenging. If i was to go back to STNJ, i am determined that despite being sort of back at the starting line again, i would make it a totally new experience. It would be a position with far more responsibility than i have had with them before, and i would be able to learn a lot. It's a little scary, actually, to think of how much responsibility i would be taking on with that job, which i think is why it appeals so much. I'm so ready to be challenged again. The thing that scares me is that i feel like my brain always goes all or nothing with theatre. Or maybe that's the nature of the beast, you can't be a theatre person halfway. I always think i sound like a wannabe/hasbeen when i talk about theatre while working my lame-o job at B&N. But being in theatre brain, i have trouble wrapping my head around my other interests, like teaching and traveling and volunteering, all things that are incredibly important to me.

And on the topic of being at Drew...which wasn't at all the topic, but i was there...
How weird! It was nice, too. Nice that i hardly knew the students, but also nice that when talking to professors, there was no need for background, they are my background. I mention that i was visiting morgan, and they say, oh it's nice that you two are still in touch [after your breakup]<--that last part was silent, but it was there. And i agree! It is nice that we are still in touch after our breakup. I'm glad we're friends now.

I'll finish out this ramblefest with something I told Morgan yesterday, and Lex for that matter.
This trip to Europe? It was the best, most anxiety free and wonderfully exciting trip I have ever taken to the other side of the Atlantic. It was, I believe, a combination of good people and the right mentality on my part. As I said to Elena a few days ago, something about being with the right people makes the good times better, and makes the bad times not so bad. I want to remember every minute of this trip, because the good times were great, and the bad times passed quickly and painlessly.
And so, to Elena, Oleg, Ania, and Filip, thanks for an amazing trip. I hope i see you soon.

Guten Tag from Germany!

2009-02-24T08:01:00.000-08:00

Hi! It has been quite a trip already. I am traveling with Elena and her brother. I am feeling a bit like i am the only person on earth who speaks only one language. But Lena and i are having a good time. We have picked up quite easily, and it definitely doesn't feel like it's been a year and a half since i last saw her.

You know, i had all these ideas of things to talk about and now that i'm sitting at a keyboard, they have all fallen out of my head. This is the exact cafe i sat in with Autumn when we first arrived in Berlin for our 2 day trip 4 years ago. I find one or 2 things every day that are familiar because of that trip. I feel, for one major point, that i have become a much better traveler since then.

and for all my worries ahead of time, this has been a refreshingly worry free trip!

well, until next time,
Bye!

ting

2009-02-17T19:13:00.000-08:00

That's the sound of the little light in my head going off, as i finally figure out what it is that i've been figuring out little by little specifically for the last 6 months and more generically for the last 2 1/2 years.
A few days ago, i realised that i could stay in st. louis. I could be happy here, have friends, meet someone, find a cool place to live, find a job that makes me happy, etc. Today, i was looking at facebook, and saw that somebody i used to know and still think a lot of is living in des moines, iowa. Not to knock des moines, but i'd never want to live there.
I finally figured out, for me personally, i actually could be happy in a lot of places. I've been spending all this time trying to figure out the right place to go and the right job to try for and so on, and i'm finally admitting to myself, and any of the 3 people who might still read this, that that place really could be anywhere. sure, i've got my ideals and specifics. but as far as people go? i could find people to click with in any city in the country. what's made it so much harder here has been my determination that i am not staying here. so i didnt' branch out. i didn't look for a place to live or join any real communities or anything. I think that if was simply to let myself be here, i could be happy here. so the real task is, and probably always has been, finding a way to let myself be happy where i am.

I've made a decision!

2009-01-26T12:43:00.001-08:00

I know, if you've been reading my blog for a little while, you're probably thinking, "again?"

But this feels like sort of a logical point of conclusion with all the different steps i've taken on this little thinktank path of mine. because while i've been thinking and thinking and thinking some more, the furthest i've gotten is downloading a few applications for different places. now they sit on my desktop and stare at me every time i turn on the computer.

I've decided i'm going to focus in, and apply for education programs through Americorps. I'm going to focus in the western United States, in states where i can also take the opportunity to do more hiking, hopefully learn about backpacking.

I came to this particular point today because i realised while i was looking at teach abroad programs a couple weeks ago that i really don't have any teaching experience. I'm not sure i'll even like teaching enough to do it for an entire year, let alone in a country where i don't speak the language and know no one? (also, i'm feeling cowardly)
Today i was looking at teaching programs that are short term or don't require a certification, and while none of the programs through Americorps are working as a teacher in a classroom, they are working in the schools with kids, the kids who need more help and attention.

I promised myself i'd have in at least one application to one program by the end of January. It's almost here, i needed to make this focusing decision so that i can get a move on. Here we go.

victims of ignorance

2009-01-21T21:26:00.000-08:00

i had in my head this afternoon the idea for a happy post. but after i got home and walked the dogs and all that, i'd forgotten half of it. and now, 6 hours later, i've forgotten the rest.

so unfortunately, this is an unhappy/angry post.
I have this idea that people who are in populations that are often marginalised as a result are more open people. Specifically, i have this idea that the queer community is more open because of the fact that many in that community have been at one time or another victims of ignorance.

But i'm obviously wrong. http://www.365gay.com/news/transwoman-ordered-to-serve-time-in-male-prison/
I was reading this article, reading a bunch of articles on this site actually. Then I made the mistake of reading the comments. The whole situation is disgusting. Then over on the sister site to this one, afterellen, they have forums on many things, including bisexuality... where dozens of people spout of reasons why they hate/will never date a bisexual woman.
In the article i linked to, people are calling the woman in question he/she and once even IT! They're saying she deserves to be raped and killed. And while I am horrified by the crime she committed and the short sentence she received, I'm even more horrified that there are people out there who would ever wish assault or rape on anyone. The very idea of wishing that kind of thing on any kind of person just scares me.

I read an article in BITCH magazine a while back that said we, collectively, as intelligent people, need to stop commenting online. Just stop. And i don't completely agree, but when i read stuff like this, i think, where are all these people coming from, and how and why is there so much ignorance?

not summing it up

2008-12-19T20:10:00.000-08:00

Every year when people on blogs and papers and tv shows try to sum up their year, i'm confused.
I have yet to have a year that was all in one phase to the point that i could sum it up at all. i could either sum up the last few months. call it phase live-with-my-parents-and-do-nothing, maybe i could lump it onto Post New York, which is a phase of about 16 months. Or maybe I could try to summarize the Post College phase, which is a rather nutso all over the place and nothing exactly accomplished 2 1/2 years.

Wow. I've been out of school 2 1/2 years?

Which leads to a thought i had earlier.
I've been home for 4 months. By the end of what is looking like my minimum time here at this point, it'll be 6 months. I am already ashamed at how little i've accomplished here.
I'm not too specific on what i want to accomplish. it can really be in any area of life. but an accomplishment worth mentioning and a decision that i don't back out on every few hours. These are my goals for my time in New York. If i can leave here with a confident decision, i think i'll walk out with my head held high. Sounds like i have a goal.

arianna huffington and me

2008-11-25T21:34:00.000-08:00

Tonight i went with my mom to a lecture by arianna huffington. (it was excellent and enlightening)

she spoke about how last week she guest hosted the rachel maddow show.

so i came home and was reading the huffington post. and found the clips from her guest spot on the rachel maddow show.

then i found myself on youtube watching clips of old radio shows by maddow.

which led me to this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qnZjg-NQXeM

and this is when i say, it's ok, i'm young and impressionable.

i have a lot of conflicting opinions on a lot of things, mostly because i keep trying desperately to learn of different perspectives on different issues and be as informed as i possibly can. and whenever i find a perspective that makes a great deal of sense to me and that i agree with, i find myself jumping over to get behind it, even if it may conflict with something i've said before.

after last week when i was kicking myself for skipping the protest, i was talking to a friend, who actually went, about our conflicting feelings on the gay marriage issue. not that she and i disagreed. just that within herself, and within myself, i feel conflicty about it. because while i'm all for supporting gay rights, i've been frustrated for years at the obsession of the gay 'community' with marriage. and as my very eloquent friend voiced, it's been at the sacrifice of so many issues that are arguably more important.
and before i continue with that thought too far, i'll just connect back to that link and say, good point, rachel maddow! i myself recall being confused with the name HRC. as my dad pointed out, it could actually be a lot of things. turns out, i meant the human rights campaign. which is actually lying in its name because while it sounds like it should be fighting for equal rights for all humans, it's not. it's fighting for rights for gay people in the US. and generally, it seems mostly to be fighting just for the big ticket issues. so, marriage!
but hey look, i found my way back to my point. or my friend's point.
Actually, i find i need to step back to another beginning.
OK. Prop 8 passed. yuck. black voters were significantly against it. as were latino voters. and apparently mormons. But there has been constant complaints of both women's rights movements and gay rights movements that the fail to make efforts to reach out to or include people of color in their efforts. the taboos and visibility in these communities is almost incomparable to the white or mainstream community. if we worked on this , we'd probably get them to like us better. and fewer queer people of color would be victims of discrimination, recrimination, verbal abuse and hate crimes.
There's also the fact that there is a disproportionally high number of homeless queer youth.

Back when i was in college, contemplating writing a thesis, i actually decide what i wanted my thesis to be. but i realised that it couldnt' be an undergraduate thesis. it was something that actually required years of research and finding my way into practically invisible communities. I always wanted to write about that disproportionally high number of homeless queer youth. Where are they, what support system exists for them, and do they become homeless queer adults, or do they eventually find their way back into society? And i kept thinking, surely someone's written about this. but if they had up until 2006, it hadnt' been published in any media i could find in my multiple searches of our database, including lexisnexis (newspapers and magazines), and all sorts of peer reviewed journals.

i digress. but that's the point of a hardly read blog, now, isnt' it?

so many incomplete thoughts/ but i have to go to sleep! arianna huffington says that it's important to get a good night's sleep every night. it will make me a more successful person

prop 8

2008-11-15T23:42:00.000-08:00

There was a prop 8 protest in st. louis today. (technically yesterday, as it's after midnight) it was part of a nation wide protest. i found out about it lateish last night, and already had plans to go to a movie with kristin. which, to be fair, we haven't hung out in weeks and haven't been able to go see a movie in like 2 months. and kristin said it wasn't a big deal it's not like prop 8 happened here.
but i knew that was wrong. i wanted to go the the protest, i just didn't. and now, as i'm finally staying up too late and catching up on all my news from the week, i'm kicking myself even more.
here i am, always wanting to get involved, be involved, know what's going on and be aware of events. but i didn't go to this one. no, prop 8 didn't happen here. and maybe my straight friend's perspective on the issue was in part right. but coming together nationwide to say, 'hey, you finally gave us this right, and now you took it away again?' is something i would have liked to be a part of.
it would have been nice to feel a part of something, actually feel the greater community that supports my side, instead of just reading about it on blogs.
stupid me.

but to assuage my guilt at least, i just joined HRC, something i've been meaning to do for like, oh, i don't know, like 4 years?

On Prop 8: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/California_Proposition_8_(2008)
On HRC(the Human Rights Campaign. aka glbt rights org.): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_Rights_Campaign

the time traveler's wife

2008-11-06T19:18:00.001-08:00

i just finished this book.
it was stunning. it completely enveloped me. moreso that usual. most books i can either get into and really read for hours, or i can pick up and put down at will. this on was not so. this was a pick-it-up-now-and-you'll-be-late book. a book that should have a warning label of 'don't read before bed, you'll stay up all night'
maybe it was just me.

laura gave me the time traveler's wife for my birthday. yes. in june. she actually gave it to me in may. it takes me a while to get around to reading sometimes, ok?

it made me sad, too. really sad. it goes from confusing to fascinating/riveting to sad. and then stays that way. i'm surprised that i didn't cry, actually..

==
in other news, work was alright again today. better, i stuck to tea. we actually had a pretty great guy teaching us all the starbucks drinks. he allowed everyone to relax and get comfortable with each other, so conversation quickly got less awkward and more interesting. i'm glad for that. back to the policy drones tomorrow, though. it's ok, we're learning the baked goods. this means sampling pastries and cheesecakes and sandwiches and soups. yum.
i wish i had a job that worked outside sometimes. maybe i'll go work for habitat. or there's always that farm...

obama won and i got a job

2008-11-05T20:56:00.000-08:00

overall, a good week.

i'm thrilled to see obama having won. and that electoral vote margin pretty much makes me giddy.

but i'm sad to see that in 3 states(california, arizona, florida), a ban on gay marriage was passed. and arkansas passed a scary little bill to ban all gay people and actually, all single people from adopting. WTF??

in positive news on the amanda front, i got a job at barnes and noble cafe. i'm in training this week, and today i learned how to steam milk and when i've had too many espresso drinks ... it's about 2:30. note to self, don't drink coffee anymore. i was too jittery. and i didn't really like it.
tomorrow: frappucinos!
i hear that working at a bookstore cafe is kind of the perfect job for me. now, if only i didn't have to sell things, i think this would be true... but we shall see how it goes.

and last night i went to a run thru of the show i'm asst. light designing... a little thing called Romeo and Juliet, you may have heard of it? and though i'm actually not a big fan of this play generally speaking. it's overdone and rarely well done. but i have to say, this is well done. at least the acting is. i was actually genuinely blown away. i often find myself sitting in these first run throughs thinking, how much longer, this is so painful! but this one, no. i am actually looking forward to running light board on this show. theatre optimism is on the way up again in my little world. (new york, i may yet be returning)

a strange phenomenon though... with all of this working stuff i've been doing, i'm finding myself with much less time to watch and read all the news and crap i usually get into online. i feel so out of touch with the world. i keep telling myself it's good to be actually getting out there. i have been acting more and more a recluse.

it is strange though. i haven't finished a book in like 4 days. i'm actually still working on 2 of the books i was reading last week. i had to renew!

and i haven't had my designated kristin time.

but i did get to talk to kathleen last night, which was really nice.

one thing about working at barnes and noble... turns out, i'm still in missouri. most of the people working in the store have never lived outside of missouri, most of the rest never outside of the midwest. i am trying to control my thoughts and hold my tongue against the idea that this is something against them. mostly, i need to remind myself that i am not too good for this job. yes, it's true, it's not really aiding in my goal of saving the world. but maybe i'll be inspired. or meet the person who will ultimately tell me what it is i'm supposed to be doing with my life. (and confirm that it does not include an office)
but what i actually meant to say before i started sounding like an asshole there is that i have met some interesting people and had some interesting conversations. i hope to have more.

my thoughts are a bit scattered... can you tell? time for bed! more starbucks training and overcaffeination tomorrow.

self-examination in the form of late night musings. or, from my written journal

2008-10-17T13:56:00.000-07:00

I'm afraid of time slipping by.
I'm afraid while i sit at home today thinking of what I'm going to do tomorrow, the world is passing me by.
I'm a always afraid to commit to any one thing. Afraid that in doing so i will miss out on where i am supposed to be and what i'm destined to do.
But i'm getting sick of that perspective in myself. i think we make our own destiny. i think that i am well past my time of sitting by and doing nothing, waiting for inspiration to come upon me
Life is a journey and we make our own destiny. so, self, stop worrying about missing out. go forward full throttle, and trust yourself to make the choices that will lead you where you were meant to be.

*(this portion of inspiration came from watching
Alix Olson's Left Lane documentary)

That being said, and continuing with the belief that in each choice i make i am shaping my own destiny, i am glad to be here. i am glad to ahve the chacne to take this time to step aside for a moment and breathe. I belive more and more each day that i am home that these weeks of peace and respite are doing me good.

I have noticed in myself a tendency to basically live up to others' expectations of me. so no matter what impression i give the community i live in, i am able to give them more and more proof that i am that great person they think i am, or more and more ammo to use against me. (recently, it's more of the latter)
I feair that i either come on too strong or that i am so mild in temper and manner tha ti make no impression at all.
What i want more than anything in my next destination and phase in life is to step between those two extremes to some sort of happy medium. but i don't know how to do this. because i have discovered in self examination that both come from the same place: shyness. Or to really break it down, Fear. I am afraid of people. Afraid of being not enough or too much . Afraid of just going on with the system and getting lost in the tide, afraid that with the sound of my own voice i may be drowning out my messsage.
so where do i go from here? I find myself asking the same question I asked 10 years ago. How do i become who i want to be? or if i am trusting that since i am past my formative years it is somwhere inside me already, how do I let it out? How do i speak with the voice that lets my words be heard?
The trap i seem to get caught in most often is that of Tone. And with observation and contemplation of myself and others, i realise that i am not alone in this struggle.
I also realise that the people on this path with me are not outgoing. We aer introverts. We are not people-persons. I love people, both individuals and humanity. But i feel most of the time like there is a pane of glass between me and the world. It acts as a filter, an I try to break it down. but when i do, it goes all wrong. the filter, like one on a stage light, sems to allow people to see me in a softer glwo, more the way i want to be seen. break it down, the light is harsh and blinding. leave it up, and i'm easy to dismiss.
So i guess what i need to do is figure out how to change the filter. good job, self, using that lovely theatre analogy. but how do i do that?

now what do i do?

2008-10-01T08:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, I woke up rested after a family vacation, with a purpose: call the hr dept and find out when i start this job.
But the response wasn't what i expected. Turns out this company has some serious miscommunication issues and the dept i'd be working for told me i was hired, while the hr dept hired someone else. so they don't need me. i'm jobless again. or still.
as you might guess, i was disappointed yesterday. but my mom was home from work, so we hung out, and the day passed, it was fine.
but today, i woke up and i thought, now what do i do? do i continue to look for a job i won't care about in a city i know i don't want to live in? do i get by with the few small opportunities i have succeeded in getting and just pass the time jobless? start volunteering, that kind of thing? or do i just say fuck it to everything and this whole city, and start my journey to somewhere new? and if i do that, where do i go? i'm leaning heavier and heavier towards new york. i've got the plan all worked out if i go there. but then, i had a plan all worked out for here, too, and it's not really working out.
i don't know. i'm stuck, jobless, and everyone keeps saying the economy sucks, and unfortunately i'm just feeling the effects of that. but i'm really not that picky. i just want A job. i'm not particular, really.
ugh ugh UGH

something new

2008-09-14T10:30:00.000-07:00

you know, you can learn something new every day, if you let yourself.

each time i've let myself calm down and relax enough, i'm realizing the luxury of this time i have right now, i'm actually reflecting on all the stuff of the last year, and letting it absorb. i'm realizing new things about experiences i had a month ago, or even last january. all it takes is lots of time on my own, not obsessively entertaining myself with movies, tv, and books. because when i let the quiet come, the most interesting thoughts come out.

i have a job interview tomorrow, and i feel pretty good about this job. with any luck, i'll start this week!
otherwise...it's back to the drawing board. again.

august rush

2008-09-07T20:01:00.000-07:00

I like fairytales. this movie was quite the fairy tale... it's got me dreaming again.
though i guess the dreams have never been my problem. next step is getting the guts to go out and get them.

tossing and turning

2008-09-01T20:44:00.000-07:00

so i told kristin today that i was up late last night tossing and turning contemplating moving back to new york. do i miss theatre? yes. do i miss theatre in new york? i'm not sure. do i have the guts to get back into it? at the moment, no. but i could probably build those.

so what do i want? my dearest friends ask me this question, and more often than that, i ask myself. what do i want to do? what do i want to do next? where do i want to go? do i want to work on a cruise ship? do i want to teach english abroad? where? do i want to become an electrician's journeyman's apprentice? Where do i want to live for the rest of my life? how about the next 6 months? do i want to pursue a career serving people with disabilities? do i want to teach?

I don't know
i don't know
i don't know.

i want to prioritize. i want to figure out what i want.

i want to get the guts to finish filling out the job application for a part time job at barnes and noble. something tells me that this is an important step.

i have had lots of time on my hands. time for thinking. some might argue, too much thinking. but anyway, i've come to some conclusions. i want to get organized. yes, i need to organize the piles of books and clothes and papers that are strewn through at least 3 rooms in my parents house at the moment. but i also want to prioritize. when i do decide what i want, i'm not just going to jump on the ground and start running. i'm going to make a plan. budget. maybe i'll make a 10 year plan, get all the things i want to do into the plan in an order that makes sense and leads somewhere.
i've also realized that i need patience. i read about people who have opened an orphanage in malawi, started a farm in philadelphia, created great places that serve people in the way that i want to/need to. but i need patience, because i'm not in a place where i can do that. i need life experience and some marketable skills. i need to see something through.

which, actually, gets us back to new york. and me tossing and turning. everyone says, a year in new york is one of the hardest things you can do. if you can make it through your first year, then you've made it. so i made it through my first year. and i left. why did i leave? how could i have given up on that? i think i feel now that i need to go back and get a few more years under my belt, and prove to myself that i didn't quit because i couldn't do it, that i can do it. i need to rebuild that for myself. and maybe i can fulfill my wish to work on a cruise ship, my dream to work on a cirque de soleil tour, through working in new york. actually, that is the most direct line to both of those dreams. so maybe i was wrong when i said that my dream to live in new york is over. new york has just opened my eyes to new dreams. but i don't know how to unlock those, except through new york.
so maybe i need to go back to new york.

i see more tossing and turning in my future.

getting there

2008-08-27T10:42:00.001-07:00

I've noticed a marked change in myself over the last few days. I can finally feel myself starting to calm down. It's like i'm slowly crawling out of a hole in the ground that i dug myself into for the last week. or few.
I spent all day yesterday reading. I read Twilight, that new all the rage teen girly book, in one day. I had sort of intended it to be a 2 day thing, but ended up just staying up til 3:30 to finish it.
I woke up today with energy, and no idea what i was going to do with my day. It's the first time that's happened. I actually want to do something, to leave the house and be productive. So it's a good sign, i'm going to apply for a few jobs today, i already applied to volunteer a couple places, and i think it'll be a good day.

I was thinking this morning about wanting to teach english abroad. I still very much want to do that, and i'm not at all sure where i want to go. I guess i'm looking for suggestions.

overwhelmed

2008-08-23T16:53:00.000-07:00

when i was in americorps, i found myself overwhelmed by all the new things to adjust to in each project. there was never time to fully adjust, you just had to deal with it while you did it. i found myself out of sorts for 2 or 3 days in each new location, as we dove straight into work and life in a new place.
but i must have gotten used to that mentality, because since i left the program, i've thrown myself from thing to thing with little chance to catch up.

so now i'm home, and it's all starting to absorb. i'm finally trying to give myself the time i need. give myself a chance to just curl up with a memory and let it be there for a while. be in that moment, remember the weather and the streets and the colors on the trees and who i was with and how i was feeling that day... it feels right to take the time.

in constant motion

2008-08-19T05:15:00.000-07:00

It is August 19th. i have been gone from camp for 2 weeks and 2 days. i have visited lesley and jack and abby and lex and britt and sean and kateri and morgan and laura and kristin. i have said goodbye to my most recent love, and continued to struggle with long distance communications.
i have spent surprisingly little time on my own, for the amount i've traveled and ostensibly been travelling on my own.
i'm worn out. my patience is worn thin with everything and everyone around me. i think it's a miracle that people are still talking to me at this point, because i feel like i've gone completely crazy.
i intended to go home and hit the ground running. i wanted to go begin being an efficient and productive member of society from the minute i get home.
...but i don't think that's going to work.
i think i need some time. some time to really just be, by myself and with my family, and get back to myself. for all that i've invited every one of my friends to live with me, visit me, crash with me, i think i might just need to be on my own for a little while.

i'm looking forward to going home. to playing with my dogs, to watching tv with my mom, to helping my dad repaint the family room.

i keep thinking and telling myself that everything will make sense when i get home. that everything will work out when i get home. that i'll find all the stuff i've lost in the abyss of my messy chaotic 2-week-road-trip-with-everything-i-own car. i think that my dad was right. when things weren't working out with my lodge at camp, when tensions were high and i was handling it all wrong, he suggested that the troubles at camp weren't unrelated to the troubles in americorps, perhaps i never recovered from one before beginning the next.
so despite my instinct to not live alone, despite my desire to want to be in those intense situations with my peers and have the live-in insanity of a camp or americorps nccc experience, it's time for me to do this.

so, now that i've convinced myself one more time that it's alright that i'm going home, i'm ready to go. i am supposed to spend one more day relaxing on the beach before i go. but is it awful that i don't want to? i don't feel like i can relax just now. my urge to move and get to that final destination is itching in me so bad, i can hardly sit in this chair.
so i'm going to get moving, and packing, and get on the road before i lose something else.

it's about me

2008-08-07T10:40:00.001-07:00

click on the image to make it bigger or just go to the comic page here:
http://questionablecontent.net/comics/1203.png

in a daze

2008-08-07T09:22:00.000-07:00

I feel a disconnect with my life right now. people keep asking, are you alright? and i say immediately, yes! i'm fine!
but i'm starting to realize that i'm walking around in a cloud. like i'm on my own in a bubble away from the world. i'm not sure what i'm doing, and i'm having trouble getting moving because i can't really believe that i'm here.
i don't do well with change. not a good thing for someone who likes changing everything as much as i do. but i need time to adjust to it. and when the change is something that others control instead of being my decision, i get more lost.
so now, i'm on my own. not that that's a bad thing, i'm pretty good at being on my own. but after riding the wave of camp, and then mike and i riding together after getting kicked off camp... it's always easier with someone else.
i'm on my own now, and i've done very little. and somehow i've woken up today more dazed than any day before.
i know that i need to get moving. i need to get my shit together, leave my aunt's house. i need to drive to the city and meet my friends for dinner and lword.
but it sure is nice to spend all day sat on the couch on the computer talking to friends and not being particularly productive.

but now i'm going to get moving. time to travel a long way and find my way home again.

a strange summer

2008-08-03T04:52:00.000-07:00

in the last 6 weeks, or 3 sessions at camp, so much has happened that i can't begin to even comprehend enough to summarize it right now.

but the last 4 days had such a series of bizarre events, i have to tell you where i'm at right now. if you know me at all, you'll probably be as shocked as i am at my current place.

4 days ago i had a fight with one of the counselors in my lodge. then i cried most of the rest of the day. 3 days ago i had confrontation with 2 other counselors in my lodge, and went to the director of the camp to ask if i could leave the lodge because it had become clear that things weren't working for me in there. i asked to move to maintenance, he said yes.

2 days ago, my friend mike got into it again with his lodge leader, and then quit.

yesterday, i was asked to leave camp.

and if i had to summarize the reasons the director gave me for asking me to leave, it would basically boil down to the fact that i was unhappy.

so now i'm in a little in in tannersville, ny with mike, trying to process everything that's happened and wrap my head around what to do next with my life.

sounds like i'm going to make my way home to st. louis again. i might want to visit a few people before i leave the east coast. if you want to be in on that, let me know.

love to all

It has begun

2008-06-28T21:28:00.000-07:00

The first session of camp at Harriman Lodge is in full swing. And fully crazy. I'm not sure how this works, but somehow all of the time i spent volunteering my time and serving my community this year made me less compassionate and less patient with the guests of Harriman Lodge.
So it's been something of a refresher course. I'm sure it's going to get better. I'll get better. I'll fall back into it more as the days go on. I'm getting impatient with the staff, wishing they'd get it earlier. I guess it's the same way i've felt in situations when i had to train a second or third round of people to do something.
Liya, my crazy Russian, has finally arrived. So, for me, the summer has finally begun. Whatever else happens, I'm ready for it. I miss the rest of the support system i had built last year, the friendships, connections, and fellow adventure seekers. But i'm trying my best to be patient and let things work themselves out. I've been trying to not force friendships with anyone, just be as nice to everyone as i can. No serious connections yet. But i remember, my first year, it didn't happen like that. So i'll wait.

Does anyone still read this thing, now that i've jumped ship from americorps?

time to put the dock in

2008-06-10T17:22:00.000-07:00

Today we did one of my favorite things to do on camp. or at least, my favorite part of being here before camp starts. We put the dock in!
We have this metal dock, and each summer we put it in as soon as there are enough people on camp to move it. and each year, before everyone leaves in september, we take it out again.
I love putting the dock in. It's such a simple task, but i love it. I like it even when it's freezing out and no one wants to go in the water. I always volunteer to go on the deep end, the heavy side. The guys always say "are you sure you can do that?" or "look how strong amanda is" or "why are the boys too lazy to come do this part." Of course, they don't realize that i do it because i love going into the water. It's one of only a handful of times that we're oked to go into the lake at all, because we aren't insured to swim in it. Everyone comes together and it only takes 10 minutes, even though there's about half an hour of waiting for everyone to show up, and 3 days of talking about it before it happens.
What a perfect camp event!

Today, it was hot and sticky and perfect weather for jumping in the lake. We would all have loved actually going for a swim.

I realized tonight as i was walking through a darkened corridor in one of the buildings that this place is probably the only place i'm never afraid. i never hesitate to walk anywhere in the dark, i never fear what may come out of the shadows. And i hope i never will be.

I keep thinking on the fact that i know this is my last year here. and if it isn't, it really should be. i've come to a time that i need to stop quitting jobs to come back to camp. so, seeing as it's probably my last year, i'm going to make the most of it. I'm going to try to make it as positive an experience as possible for myself and everyone that i work with.
I may need to be reminded of this goal later on in the summer, as things get stressful and people make me upset, but i want so much for it to be true, i hope that it will be.

spinning out of orbit

2008-06-03T22:25:00.000-07:00

i'm leaving st. louis. already. i feel like i've hardly been here. i worked so hard to fully appreciate everything and everyone and take everything in fully. But i suppose, since i was only here a week, i really have hardly been here.
the things that struck me the most this time, and in the most positive way, was the consistencies. i've felt like my life is in chaos. and i kind of like it, but i need to ground somewhere, and looking to my home feels like the right place.
i found myself appreciating things like the grocery list always being in the same place. and the calendar where the stuff that's happening hangs on the fridge. the tea and sugar and hot chocolate haven't moved. i still know where everything is, and it's always been there. my parents say i come by my disorganisation honestly, they have the same traits. but how do i overcome them? i'd like to always know where my papers are, because i've always put them back in the same place. i'd like to be able to find a dvd easily because it's where it goes, instead of running in circles rummaging through everything i have, like i've been doing for the last hour.
how do i organize my own chaos? i've been trying. i've been sorting through things and getting rid of old crap. i've emptied my desk entirely of the years of notebooks and vocab cards and pens and all the other shit that builds up. i've gotten rid of all the shoes that i've kept only because no one's made me throw them away, and i'm going to get rid of my prom dresses.
i think i'd like to come back here, clean this room out entirely. i'd like to be able to look at my room and not see a pile of boxes containing my college life and my post college life as they clutter the chaos of my high school life. i'd like to look instead and see the things i value, the books, the pictures. the sentimentally valued things.

so i'm leaving in the morning. and i hardly feel like i've been here at all.
i felt, when kristin was here earlier, it was like she'd always been, and i'd always been, and we were hanging out, not for the last time for months or longer, but for just another time. and as much as i tried to tell myself, this is a bigger goodbye, i just said goodbye like i'd see her tomorrow, same as i always do.
my brother came to visit while i was here, and it felt like we ought to have some major celebration for his presence, but it was nothing out of the ordinary, it seemed. the strange part has been him not here. him here, at home, and me here at home is the most natural thing.

it's funny, i know, that the girl who's spent so long running away from everything is sitting here reminiscing and grasping at the straws of past times. i'm trying to find my roots again.
time for a cliche? i suppose... the stronger the root system the higher a tree can grow.
i can't even say a cliche eloquently. not my day.

so tomorrow night, chicago.

stay....here??

2008-05-31T14:48:00.000-07:00

Each time i talk to kristin, she tells me how great it would be if i just stayed here in st. louis. and every time, i say, no! i don't want to move back to st. louis. but here I am, 3 days at home, and thinking...maybe... maybe i could live here. i like it right now. i think about moving back to new york, and there's so much anxiety in that. do i want to do that? i'm not sure. staying here would be easier. i know i could find a job. i could think about going back to school. i could get ready to go on trips and adventures abroad.
and then i think, what are you doing? i was never going to stay here! i was never going to come back here. but then, i don't hate it like i used to. there's a lot of great things in this city, maybe it'd be ok to live here for a little while? til i get tired of hiding and want to bust out on my own again?
we'll see. but i don't hate the idea.

in a year's time

2008-05-30T07:33:00.000-07:00

So much can happen in a year's time. And so much has happened! My Americorps adventure is over now. I talked to Addie and Jenn last night. Sweet Addie called me to see how home was and tell me she missed me. I do miss my team.
I know that the 2 breaks i had during americorps, i didn't hesitate to blow off any connection i may have had with my teammates, and sort of happiness i had in this program. i was just happy to be home, with my friends and family. But now that it's really over, and the people i lived and worked with so closely for the last 8 months might easily end up among the ranks of those close friends that fall by the wayside as life moves on, i find myself feeling much more attached to those people. They were my friends and my family and my coworkers and my teammates. I trust that there are at least 3 among their ranks that i will see again. And another 3 or 4 i'd very much like to see again. I can say with confidence that i will now have a place to crash in each corner of the country.

I remember a couple years ago, expressing a sentiment of wondering. I commented that the people i know now have made such an impact on my life, and how many people i will meet that i don't yet know who will have an even greater impact on me.

And how many there have been!
I'm excited to move on. I don't feel trapped into a path whose direction i don't like anymore. I feel once again like i have the freedom to go anywhere and do anything. But unlike before, it doesn't feel like a burden anymore, it simply feels like the freedom it is. I'm so lucky! I'm nearly 24, with a college degree, energy, and experience and a desire to experience life to the fullest. How many places i can go with that!!

So yes, i'm glad that Americorps is over, at least for me. There may be consequences later on for this decision, but I can say with a lot of confidence, this was the right decision for me right now.

a lot has happened

2008-05-29T06:59:00.000-07:00

So it's been 3 weeks since i updated. and it's probably an understatement to say a lot has happened in that time.
The short version is this:
I quit Americorps, and i'm back home in st. louis. I am going back to camp this summer. my camp in new york.
i'll explain more later. now i'm going to go buy tickets to tonight's cards game.

another weekend gone

2008-05-05T07:02:00.001-07:00

Look at me updating my blog regularly!
It's monday, i'm back at school. yesterday and this morning, about half the members of my team said at one point or another, 'i don't want to go to school today...'
but here we are.
it was a great weekend. we spent saturday at jazz fest, saw the roots and diana krall and this fun zydeco band after my shift of tshirt selling. I had originally wanted to stay and see jazz fest sunday as well, especially after a friend offered me a free ticket. but my team wasn't staying, and by the end of the day saturday, i was glad to be going back to biloxi for a day of relaxing.
yesterday was definitely relaxing! we spent the whole day at the beach, reading, playing, and hanging out.
hopefully sometime this week we'll find out our next project. only 3 weeks of school left!

Jazz Fest!

2008-04-28T07:24:00.000-07:00

<--shamarr allen.
Jazz fest this past weekend was awesome. Saturday was rainy, overwhelming, and slightly miserable. i left grumpy, cold, wet, and disheartened. i'd tried to see the whole festival in the hour that i was there before my shift, and obviously that didn't happen. and my shift was spent standing in the rain helping people get in and out of the musicians shuttle for which i was the assistant. no, i have no idea who i met.
But day 2 was a thousand times better. we got there first thing, so we got to see about 3 acts before our shift started. and the rain didn't come until about 10 minutes before our shifts, so i did get wet, but then i was under a tent selling tshirts and able to dry off. AND, i got to see 1. a great zydeco group. name? no idea. 2. asheson, a group from cuba, so awesome. 3. SHAMARR ALLEN. i'm going to be this guy's number one pr and advertiser from here on out, beware. but he's amazing. trust you will be hearing this name more as time passes.

And next weekend, we're working saturday, and we're working the early shift, from 11-3. which means we'll get off in time to see the roots! and the evening shows include: diana krall! and jimmy buffet! i don't know how i'll decide! well, i'll probably go to diana krall. but so cool! and a lot of us want to stay for sunday, and more than a couple people are willing to pay to get in sunday so we can see the final day, it should be pretty amazing.

oh, school's ok.. kind of meh. i won't go into it.

but we did PT on the beach this morning, which was awesome. it was amanda (the other one)'s birthday today, so it was a day for her. she led pt, which was great, we played games the whole time. and tonight we went to the casinos, where i won a dollar at the penny slots. and we played arcade games and got ice cream. all in all, i think it was a great birthday. i hope she thinks so too.
and the cake didn't get to happen tonight, so it'll happen tomorrow. which really just means her birthday gets to last just a little while longer.

(if you can't tell, i'm much happier here, despite my indifference to the project)

playing hooky

2008-04-24T07:17:00.001-07:00

I'm working at a school now, as i've said. and this is a wonderful school, the teachers are great, the students are great. the district is struggling, but this place is strong. they've done things like get a program called Accelerated Reader that all the kids participate in. it encourages them to read, and allows them to read at their specific level and improve at their own pace.
They applied for, and got, a grant to buy promethean boards for every classroom. These are sort of a cross between a projection screen and a white board. if you write on it, it saves the notes on the computer. the students can work together and use it themselves. fantastic machines.

so what am i doing here?

the classroom i'm supposed to be in right now, the students love me, but the teacher obviously sees my presence as a burden. so i didn't go today. i spoke to the principal who's going to try to find a better place for me, and i'm going to talk to the teacher later, but it seems like i serve as nothing more than a distraction for the students. particularly the one student who i'm supposed to be helping. she won't let me look at her math homework, but she will show me all the toys she has in her desk to keep her distracted.

this isnt' to say that i'm not being utilized at other times of the day, there's just a few periods where i think, what am i doing here?

a new phase, a new place, a new leaf

2008-04-20T19:15:00.001-07:00

Within days of arriving in St. Bernard, Louisiana, I was depressed and felt trapped. I wanted to leave. I started smoking again. My team leader took to his bed and didn't surface again til we left the parish. There was tension between everyone on the team, showing that clearly everyone had trouble living in that environment. I determined as the feelings of being trapped and the tension pulsing through my team became overwhelming. So i made a plan, i gave myself an out. I went so far as to actually commit to going back to camp. But i wanted to give this phase a chance. I waited to tell anyone i was leaving.
On the plane from New Orleans to Sacramento, I told my friend, teammate, and confidant that i was planning on quitting to go back to camp for the summer. By that time, i'd justified it to myself in so many ways, i was sure there was no talking me out of it. But then again, i suppose up to that point, no one had tried. Kdogg was the first person who, when i said i was quitting, was like, 'no! you can't do that? and so late? don't leave the team! don't you want to finish?' Up to that point, the only person telling me that was me. I spent so much time thinking and weighing my options and ignoring everything negative about camp just to convince myself i really was making the right decision. I spent 2 months thinking, not talking, not connecting, just getting deeper and deeper into my head.
One day in sacramento reminded me why i was in americorps and what i liked about the program, all of which i'd all but forgotten.
Spring break was a break i desperately needed. The last weekend when kateri came down from albany and we had a dinner party with 3 of my favorite ladies, it was just perfect. The perfect weekend. I stopped thinking, worrying, just lived and enjoyed. I didn't want it to end, didn't really want to go back to americorps. But i was refreshed, i survived the bullshit of transition, and now i'm in mississippi.
My impressions and preconceived notions about mississippi all come from those depressing novels about the south, where women are oppressed, where the gay girl figures out she's gay then runs away. families are abusive, everyone's poor, the education system is horrible, and it's all ugly.
First off, the gulf coast is not ugly. It's actually beautiful. Sure, the beaches are man made, and the main source of income for the community is casinos, but it's a pretty place. It's still true that mississippi has some of the worst schools in the country, but somehow, i'm working at one of the best schools in the state. (we'll leave the rant about that for another night.)
Today, we went to Bay St. Louis, a very artsy community about half an hour away. There's another arts community on the other side of biloxi called Ocean Springs that i'm going to make sure i check out while i'm down here. I've already gotten in touch with the biloxi community theatre, and i'm going to go on wednesday to meet with and talk to them. with any luck, i'll get to even do some lights stuff with them. i miss it, a lot.

So, things are looking up. Kdogg and i have already started and made a plan for our team position. last phase we wanted to do more, and she tried, but i was no help. i checked out for the phase, figuring i'd be leaving anyway, so what did it matter? but i'm back. I don't know how i'm going to do working in this school. The first day was flustering, but i'm trying very hard to mentally prepare myself so tomorrow doesn't feel so crazy. hopefully i didn't lose my schedule...

Just a few pictures from Lousiana

2008-04-02T20:15:00.000-07:00

Gas lamps. On during the day. Why? i dont' know. but i guess they're pretty cool...

Kristin drove all the way from St. Louis to visit! We had an awesome time. This is from when we went to the zoo for soul fest

At the st bernard irish italian islenos st patricks day parade. they throw produce (hence the reason i'm holding a lemon)

We went on a swamp tour. this is a little gator. we gave the gators marshmallows. it helps them remember not to eat people.

second phase...summary?

2008-03-27T21:09:00.000-07:00

Ok. I realize it's been 6 weeks since i wrote in this thing. Sorry.

I'm still at camp hope. we had a few weeks when we were at full capacity, 800 people. There are now 4 teams plus to STLs (support team leaders) living in my room. That means there are 30 girls in here. It's a lot. But i don't actually hate it. I have trouble dealing, i get overwhelmed, i've made a cave. But i don't hate it. Probably because it feels like camp. I'd hoped to get to know some of the volunteers living here, but my job has not lead me to really meet any volunteers, so that hasn't happened.

My job. I basically got my dream job as far as NCCC positions with St. Bernard Project go. I've been working with a crew as electricians. We go into houses before the drywall and insulation is up and do rough electric work. This sort of feels like i'm loading in a new show every day. except it's permanent and someone has to live here. but it's lots of crawling in attics, running wires, labeling, measuring. I'm pretty good at it. I'm slowly mastering the concept of 3 way switches.
The other thing we do is finish electric. Which means once the walls are up and painted and the floor is in, we go in and put in outlets and switches and light fixtures. We've become experts at assembling and mounting ceiling fans/lights because here in the south, every bedroom and living room gets a ceiling fan.

And now, this project is almost over. We actually leave wednesday. so in...5 days? Then sacramento for thursday and friday. Then spring break. i'm spending the weekend in san francisco, and flying to new york on monday. i'm pretty excited about the break.

Next phase, we're in biloxi, miss. we're working at an elementary school in reading/tutoring and at the afterschool program at the school.
It's going to be kind of strange because this phase we've had so much responsibility. Most of my team worked as site supervisors, and i was even in charge of rewiring a house for part of a week. Now to go be teacher's aides? It feels a little strange. It also feels strange because, while i understand that it's necessary, i wonder how it is for the kids having their support being different people who are thrown in and pulled out every couple months. And are they going to give us any training? I mean, i can help a kid with homework, but i don't really know anything about education, formally speaking. So it'll be interesting.
I hear we're living less than a mile from the beach. That's pretty cool. Living near the gulf in april and may? sounds kinda like paradise to me. And who knows, maybe i'll love the school.

sorry it's been so long. the work's been great, but i'm not gonna lie, it's been a rough phase. But my whole team is optimistic that it will get better.

a new path

2008-02-16T08:46:00.001-08:00

I'm giving up a dream. It sounds really sad when i say it like that, and I am kind of sad, but i'm making a choice. For a while now, i've had this idea that i'd like to go to grad school for design. And talking to Carly, who's actually going to grad school for scenic, makes me think about it again, longingly. But I think i've known for a while, and i'm coming to terms with the fact that professional light designer just isn't the direction my path in life is going. And i'm ok with it. The only part that really makes me sad is that I feel like i've lost my creative outlet. But really, i haven't done light design or anything in the creative part of theatre since before i graduated. i think it's because 1)i didn't want to do it in new york. for a dozen reasons, i didn't want to do it in new york. 2)i don't think i'm really that great at it. and 3)i feel selfish doing it. it's just an unending struggle to convince myself i'm special for doign something that i'm not even that great at. I prefer being an electrician and helping other people realize their creative notions. I function better when i'm a work horse.
Now i'm making the decision of whether or not to go back to new york next year. It's been my plan since i said goodbye to the city this fall that i'd be back next fall. But now i wonder, is that what i want? is that where i would be most useful or happiest? and am i ready to say goodbye to new york and try to make a home somewhere else? and if i do go somewhere else, where would that be?
I have an instinct to do nonprofit stuff. like, maybe i'd like to do americorps state and work directly with an organization like st bernard project or habitat for humanity. but how long can a person just go around doing one year volunteer experiences like that? can i work long term in the non profit world without getting stuck in an office?
and finally, what do i want to do when i grow up?

First day..whoa

2008-02-07T21:07:00.001-08:00

So i'm definitely still processing just the things i've heard and seen today, and there's more coming tomorrow.
We had our orientation at St. Bernard Project this morning. Then we spent the afternoon working at various sites mudding and sanding drywall. Which would be a large chunk of my job if i was going to be working as a site supervisor. But I'm not. I'm starting tomorrow as a starter. My job is going to be going into new houses, doing structural work and framing and doors and windows. I don't actually know what else i'll be doing and what all my job is going to involve, but i know that i needed to be a driver in order to do it, and i know that it doesn't really involve working with volunteers and homeowners to the same degree that site supervisor does. Which i'm really more than ok with. The thought of leading new volunteers each week and working with homeowners and just having to be ON all the time overwhelmed me. I don't know, I sort of fell into my head while i was in Sacramento, and i haven't really gotten out. I know that i'm capable of working hard and leading and being on all the time. But maybe that's why it's ok that i'm not doing that job. I know i'm capable of it, it just isn't what i want to do right now. Zac and Liz, the co-directors of St. Bernard Project said that they wanted us to have jobs that would challenge us. There are many people on my team who will be very stretched by the job of site supervisor. Not to say it would be easy for me, I'm sure i would find it incredibly challenging, but my goals for this phase are to become more proficient with building, and to be more chill about things. So maybe this job will be the way for me to do that.

Then tonight we had an orientation to living at camp hope. Camp Hope is at its lowest numbers for the whole 8 weeks we'll be here... the second week of march there will be over 1100 people here, and the building has a capacity for 800. Exciting! We live in converted class rooms. We shower in a shower truck that's outside between the school building and the cafeteria. (Camp Hope used to be Beauregard Middle School.) This morning at breakfast, i just wandered in circles, i was hardly awake and had no idea what to do with myself. I couldn't figure out what i wanted to eat, i wanted them to have yogurt, and soy milk, and i wished that i had remembered to bring tea into the cafeteria, because i was just grumpy and out of it. But i found something to make for lunch after a while, and we found out we didn't have to be at work until 9:30, so i had a chance to wake up, take a shower, and relax before work.

Sorry it's a bit rambly. Please ask any questions, i'm sure i've been spotty about explaining everything.

I think living at camp hope's gonna be pretty ok.

Now...Bed.

Welcome to Camp Hope

2008-02-06T18:56:00.000-08:00

Where you shower outside, sleep in converted classrooms, and share your home with 700-1200 of your closest friends.
I hate the rush for the best beds that always happens in a communal sleeping situation. Everyone races into the room, and for one reason or another, certain beds are the preferred places to see. And when the bed that you are looking for is the one you will have for the next 2 months, most people are looking for a corner, a wall, a bottom bunk, a way to have space you can claim as your own.
All this, the crash course in Camp Hope, after an exceedingly long day of travel. We flew out of Oakland this morning, the earliest flights were at about 6. Which means that we had to get to the airport by 4. So we had to meet the buses at 2:20 am. And so..why sleep? I slept on the bus, and then on the plane. It was enough to give me the energy i needed to sit in the airport for 3 hours, then sit in the van for over an hour. Now, we're finally here, i'm completely and devastatingly overwhelmed, and i'm just going to go to bed and hope everything looks better in the morning.

Personals

2008-01-28T14:04:00.000-08:00

Last week, the photojournalist was looking for ideas for our next entry for the Common Ground, the NCCC newsletter that generally is just for the rest of NCCC to read and appreciate. But i thought that these might be amusing even if you don't know my team. Anyone want to guess which one's me? (I didn't write it)

Gold 1 Love Connection

Lonely Portland team seeks other adventurous colors and numbers for dates and general merriment in New Orleans. Must be able to handle all of this…

WSM interested in clogs, plate-tectonics and uncontrollable laughter. Looking for a special man to sweep her off her feet, literally, and carry her to the construction site each morning. Must be burley, tattoos optional.

MSW likes thrifty fun and spooning, beaches okay, forests and mountains RULE! Call 919-475-6921 ask for Rufus.

WSW loves photography, installing doors and long walks on the Oregon coast (probably the Gulf coast too). Seeking fun ISP buddy…or maybe more. Must love grey shirts, being the safety and eating Eggos.

WS endless supply of chocolate donuts and candy. Not interested in sugar-free or artificial flavorings.

WSM blessed with a slight touch of sarcasm seeking Cypress tree loving man who stays out late but hates mornings. Must be cool with a 30 gallon fish tank filled with shaving cream.

WSM fresh on the market ATL with rockin’ abs enjoys sarcasm, drinking maple syrup and spilling nails. Searching for a sensitive man with a beard, 2 legs, and at least one arm. Must be willing to move to Vermont.

Do you like to ask a lot of question when talking, and then answer them yourself? Well, I do. Do you think your team hates you, but actually doesn’t? Well, I do. Are you looking for a short team leader, who talks excessively? If so, you are in luck! Seeking a TL to spend some quality time with (maybe at Camp Hope, PHASE 2). Grey shirts need not apply.

WSW enjoys flooring, yoga, people that share her name and Thai food. Interested in a crazy late-nighter who knows the hard streets of New Orleans. Prefers someone who is warmer than her Ameri-sleeping bag. Commitment not necessary.

W seeking ride to New Orleans to join her Ameri-boo.

M seeking sunshine and a long run. Should be able to understand jibberish and historical tangents based off of nothing. Ladies must enjoy being pampered and purpling. Polygamists need not apply.

WSMultipleMen loves laughing, telling long detailed stories and driving sticks. Searching for men ages 18-?, she’s not picky. Bonus points if you are from Wisconsin, have a beard, majored in ministry, love Jimmy Buffet and the color green.

MS eco-friendly city that produces great bread.

WSM with positive upbeat attitude interested in chipping out your teeth with a tiny, tiny hammer. Enjoys ending her day with hot chocolate and a sweet romantic love story, seeks same. Requires man who can read maps and find her Ameri-hat.

See someone you like? Mail Gold 1!

Bye bye Oregon

2008-01-25T22:24:00.000-08:00

It was really hard, heartbreaking even, to say goodbye to Portland this morning. As we drove out of the city, the sun was rising on the left over the mountains, and to the right were the lights of our lovely city. Portland was amazing. I'd have to say that this is my best winter ever, as far as both weather and my enjoyment of it. I'm still taking in all the experiences i had there, so i'm sure you can expect a steady trickle of blogs over the next few days.
After a lovely 11 1/2 hour drive, we're back in Sacramento now. I think i have friends who are around here, and there are some people i will want to see soon enough. But tonight, i was quite content to be with my teammates, and now i'm going to bed. It feels like i must be crashing out early, but it's 10:30 and i've been up since 5:30. The last few days, i've been pushing and staying up later no matter what time i had to get up, wanting to get every last drop of the experience out, trying to make the most of every day.

Saying goodbye to the guys at Habitat was sad. It all feels so final. But for me, i suppose i've just added another corner of the world where i will miss people and wonder if they are missing me.

Passing out now... more tomorrow.

too busy living life

2008-01-22T17:08:00.000-08:00

The last couple weeks have been awesome. We've done lots of stuff to make the most of our time here and see all that this city and Oregon have to offer. Yesterday we went to the Oregon Coast, which was beautiful. it was a perfectly clear day and it was amazing. we had dinner at the portland city grill, which is on the 30th story and had a great view of the city. we had sushi at this place where it's typical to wait 2 hours to get in, but once you get in and get your food, it's completely worth the wait. Last week we worked a ton and had meetings every night, and it felt like the longest week ever. But maybe as a result or to balance that, this weekend felt pretty long too. I did lots and had a great time. I hung out with teammates who i don't usually hang out with, and was able to really enjoy my time with them.
I'm pretty sad to be leaving Portland. I don't know when i'll get a chance to get back here, and i don't know if i'll ever get a chance to live here again. But while i've been here, it's been great. I wanted to make the most of it, because we've got a big change coming. Going from living in a metropolis to living basically in the middle of nowhere. To be honest, i'm pretty nervous about going to New Orleans and living at Camp Hope. Relatively speaking for this program, i've had a lot of luxuries (the city) and a lot of freedom to come and go as i please. It's definitely something i will miss.

Pictures!

2008-01-14T17:39:00.000-08:00

Time flies

2008-01-14T08:01:00.000-08:00

"We only have 12 days left here in Portland"~said by a fellow NCCCer at the worksite on saturday
Now it's 10.
It feels like we only just got here, and I'm starting to finally get into a sort of groove with this job and this city. Met some nice people, Almost got some theatre stuff happening... And now it's winding down. I have to have some final reports for this project finished by midweek. Next weekend we're going to seattle, because it's only 3 hours away, and how can i not go see it when i'm so close?

And since i haven't updated in a while, here's a week in review:
Last Sunday i went to the L Word premiere with one of my teammates. It was cool, it was a fundraiser for HRC (Human Rights Campaign) and it was fun to know that i had friends going to different premiers in different cities the same time i was going in mine. The after party wasn't bad either :)
Monday we went to the falls at Columbia River Gorge. It was amazing. So many beautiful waterfalls, so many great hikes. When we got to the top of a few of the falls, it was snowing! I wish we'd had more time to spend, i would have liked to do the longer hikes. With any luck, i'll be back in this area again and i can.
Tuesday thru saturday was the work week, of course. I spent the week, along with half of the team, doing things like reorganizing the Habitat storage shed and the garage at the office (which was a lot more fun than it sounds) and doing a few 'warranty' projects on older houses. There was a house built 8 years ago where half of the porch roof shingles were stapled on instead of nailed down. So we had to take them all off and then nail them down row by row. It was a fun easy project, and it was nice to look at the end of the day and see what we'd done, to have a finished product. But it was also frustrating to know that this house wasn't completed correctly in the first place, and they've had half their roof sliding off for the last few months until we went out and fixed it.
The next day, we went to complete the handrails of a porch on another house. When we got there, we discovered the frame of the hand rails was there, and pieces of plywood had been put up temporarily because the individual vertical posts (which have a name that i can't remember) had never been put in. I asked again how old this house was, it was 9 years old! They completed this project 9 years ago, and just never went back to finish the porch. How do you do that!? It's pretty appalling. The habitat office has had a complete turnover since that era, and now these are just papers that are filed and processed and then we go out and fix things. None of the people in charge now were around then. But it's still appalling to me that such neglect could happen. How can you say you're providing people with decent homes when you don't finish them?
Saturday was one of my teammates' 21st birthday, so we went out. I've never gone out for someone's 21st when it was intended to be a wild and crazy party before. And i actually wasn't even going to go. And then i agreed to go for one drink, and a few of us were just going to get a ride back in the van. But the van came to pick us up about 10 minutes after it left, and we had only just gotten our drinks. So 2 of us agreed we'd just stay to finish our drinks and then go... Yeah, that didn't happen. There was a private party happening in the back room of the bar, and we crashed it. Our birthday girl met the birthday boy, he got super excited and said of course we were all welcome in his party. We met a few people and ended up going to a different bar with them and stayed out dancing til 2 am. So much for being tired....
Yesterday, we went to the Rose Garden and Pittock Mansion. It was a beautiful clear day and we'd heard the views were great. It was awesome! We got to see Mt. Hood, Mt. Adams, Mt. St. Helens and Mt. Rainier! I tried to get some pictures, i'm not sure yet if they'll turn out. I'll post a couple if they did.
Last night, after walking miles and miles up and down hills i was exhausted and fell asleep at 7. I woke up at 9:30, ate dinner, read for a bit, and went back to sleep til 7:45 this morning. I guess my week caught up with me.

And now it's monday again, i'm going to spend my day doing laundry and reading and hopefully not too much else.

We're Back!

2008-01-04T11:32:00.000-08:00

It's nice to be back in Portland, in this tiny little house. As soon as we started getting close to the city, it felt good, it was like coming home. It's sad that we're only here a few more weeks, but i've got a renewed energy to do as much as i can in the time that we're here.
The sky is blue, which means it's probably cold out today. I haven't been out yet, but I'm excited about sunshine!
We're working tomorrow, then we've got our regular weekend on Sunday and Monday. I'm going to try and get in touch with a friend from college about meeting up this weekend, and she's given me a contact with a friend of hers who i'm going to do some theatre work with. I've missed it.

It'll be good to get back in the swing of things. It was nice to be home with family, and i had a blast in Chicago, but i've had enough sitting around to last me a while.

St. Louis... Home?

2007-12-23T15:44:00.000-08:00

Home again home again. St. Louis doesn't really change much. It does, of course. Clayton Rd is wider now on what used to be my drive to high school. They're building a new shopping center with a Target and a Whole Foods right next to the Schnucks up the street. And the bar that is in the storefront that was once Fitz's has changed ownership yet again. (it's now called End Zone, just like the local sports bar in McClellan! goodie!)
But really, things are pretty constant here. The stockings on the chimney are the same ones we've always had, that my grandmother gave us back before i can remember. My parents and my brother are still annoying each other. The food is in the same place in the pantries and the house is always clean. I know, it's pretty basic, boring stuff. It doesn't make much difference, except to the child who leaves and comes back again, over and over.
Each time i come home, it feels different and it means something different to me. I've been home a total of 18 days in the last 2 years. It's sometimes a safe haven, and sometimes it feels like a trap. I have made choices that mean my environment and my circumstances are constantly changing. So I suppose it would make sense then, that depending on how i feel about the place i've come from, i feel differently about this one.
Right now, i feel idle. I've been home less than a day, but i've already done more sitting around than I have in the last month. And it's so quiet! And having my own room is strange, i can't believe how much space i have. My room here is twice the size of my room in the house in Portland. My house has never seemed so big or so quiet to me.

But it's nice to be home, looking at things, once again, with new eyes.
And i get to see Kristin soon! Can't wait. :)

Hello McClellan, you ugly ugly town

2007-12-22T08:57:00.000-08:00

That's right! I'm back in Sacramento. My flight is this afternoon, then i'm home for Christmas, then Chicago for New Years, then back here to drive back up to Portland. And each time i spell that out, my break starts sounding very short. But i think i will definitely have time to relax while I'm home. Appreciate family, and alone time.

Driving into McClellan yesterday, my whole team was like... man. this place is ugly. I sort of didn't notice it before. And in the 5 weeks we were here, i kind of convinced myself it wasn't so bad. But really, it is. It's ugly.
But! The sun shines here. The sky is blue all the time. And sometimes, that's enough to make me happy.
I just looked up the weather, and it's warmer in St. Louis than it is here. But at least i know how to dress to run over to the BX (Base Exchange)

Every day is a new chance for me to learn how to live on this limited budget. I didn't fully understand what kind of impact it would make on the lifestyle i'm used to that i'd be living on about 70 dollars a week. Sure, my regular food is covered. But Portland is a city of coffeeshops, and awesome thrift stores and music stores. I said to one of my teammates yesterday in the gas station, the dollar has never had quite so much value to me. I used to 'treat myself' and get the drink at the coffee shop or the beer or whatever that was just slightly more every time. Now i think about what i could do with that one dollar, and i think , perhaps not. I have some cash in my wallet that i got out last week so i'd be able to use it in the airports on the way home. And it's hidden in my wallet so i couldn't use it in my daily purchases. So last night when i went to the bar, i had 4 dollars. Luckily, here in McClellan, 4 dollars goes a long way...as long as you get budweiser. So, going against my beer snob ways, i got bud. Not something i plan to do often. I feel that it's better to spend money on beer less often and get good beer, than get beer all the time and get the cheap shit.

I am very excited about going home, but i feel completely unprepared for Christmas. I don't know what i'm giving my family, i didn't have time to do proper christmas shopping, and i didn't ask anyone what they wanted. And even though i've seen christmas decorations around everywhere since thanksgiving, I think it's going to feel strange to see the (live!) Christmas tree sitting in my parent's house.
I suppose it feels even stranger because i didn't go home for christmas last year, i went to morgan's. Which was cool, but definitely different.

But at this point, it's hardly worth worrying over. I'll be home in about 12 hours!

I'm off to the bx for some cough drops. Speak to you all soon!

Macaroni Grill tonight!

2007-12-19T15:52:00.000-08:00

Today was our last day of work with Habitat before break. Tonight, we're getting a complimentary dinner at Macaroni Grill. Macaroni Grill sponsored the sites that we just dedicated last week, and now the owner is buying us dinner! It's going to be not just our team, the site supervisors and the Americorps guys that work full time with Habitat will be there as well, so it'll be a nice way to wrap up the year before we all go our separate ways for the holiday.

At work today, I spent the morning making a small retaining wall. And after lunch, I bolted some steps up to the back porches into the concrete, and then laid sod. Then, all muddy from laying sod in the rain, we played pass the baby with the last roll of sod and then wiped mud all over each other's faces. Some of the volunteers seemed to think we were acting like children! I don't know why, honestly!

I'm starting to really look forward to going home. I think i want to find a book or something so i can start doing more yoga on my own. I like yoga classes, but with time constraints and no income, it's not really an option for me at this point.

I must go, i need to pack for break before i go to dinner tonight.
Happy Holidays!

Portland bridges

2007-12-16T23:12:00.000-08:00

Today i took advantage of the day off, and walked downtown with one of my teammates. We walked across the broadway bridge, which has a drawbridge, and stopped often so that said teammate could take pictures. I can't wait til i can bring my camera back in january, there are so many things i want to capture. there's a great combination of industry and residential and commercial in this city, they practically intertwine.
We went to Powell's again, i love that bookstore, every time i go in i find myself wishing i had a million dollars and a million hours so i could get and read all the books in that store that i find interesting. Other people say they find the layout overwhelming, but i disagree. I find that finally, i can walk into a bookstore, just one, and find all the books i'm looking for in one place. And they're all for selling used books, so i can find it cheap too.
Tomorrow we're going to go hawthorne st and explore, and probably explore the area around there as well.
I have a bit of a cough that's been quite persistent this week, but other than that, it's been a great week.
We had the dedication on one of the habitat sites we've been working on. That means that the board of habitat and the families that are going to be buying the homes and the people who've been regular volunteers on the homes all got together and had a small ceremony and celebration acknowledging all the support and work that goes into making Habitat homes possible. It was nice to finally meet the families and to see what we're really doing and why it matters. It was strange though, to look at the floors and banisters and trim that we put in, and see it as something that isn't just the flooring i put in, or the banister my teammates put in, but it's someone's home, and the work we're doing is soon going to be a place where a family will live and grow. Will they notice the little nick in that, or the spot over here? will it matter? can they fix it?

We have some really great times as a team here in our cozy house, but i'm definitely going to be glad to leave for break. I'm only going to be in Sacramento for about a day, but i'm hoping that the weather will be nice and warm. Right before i go off to St. Louis, where they have snow right now. I'm looking forward to break so much. I just got an email from Laura today. She's in Spain for a few weeks before Christmas, and it sounds like she's having a great time. I can't wait to hear them at New Years.

Hope all is well in your part of the world.

Goodnight.

The sun does shine here after all

2007-12-10T11:20:00.000-08:00

Week 2 at Habitat was much better than week 1. We had a much better sense of what we were doing, and they seemed to have a better idea of what to do with us, so we were better utilized. One of the houses is scheduled to be completed this coming week, so most of the team spent the entire week at that site. It was great because it's a walkable distance, and we can come back to the house for lunch, and it's a much more relaxed environment as well.
This week I:

-built a retaining wall with some guys who work for Adidas
-built a deck on a front porch
-more and more flooring
-trim in bathrooms and closets
-drove to home depot twice to pick up 1800 pounds of cement blocks
and on saturday, the sun was out and there wasn't a cloud in the sky all day! it was amazing. i was happy all day.

and then yesterday, on my day off, i went with some of my teammates to do an ISP (independent service project) in the northwest part of oregon that had been hit hard by the flooding last weekend. We spent the whole day ripping out wet insulation from underneath houses in one neighborhood. between my team and the other portland team, about 20 of us went, and we got 3 houses done.
It was hard, dirty work. It took me a while to convince myself i could do it, but once i was under there, i just worked hard on focusing on the work at hand. I only got scared a couple times. (i'm claustrophobic, and ordinarily, that kind of work would be very hard for me. but knowing how much it was needed pushed me to keep doing it.) More than the work itself, what hit me hardest was the people from neighboring houses who came by and said "how can we get help doing this to our house? how would we even do it if we had to do it ourselves?" there's definitely something striking about knowing how immediately necessary the work you're doing is.

<--the allstar crew i worked with

And in other exciting news, i got to talk to Kristin last night. It was a short conversation, but i've missed her terribly, it's been hard not talking to her. so speaking again was wonderful. we're going to have a lot to catch up when we go home for the holidays.

team blog

2007-12-04T18:13:00.000-08:00

You should definitely go check out the Gold 1 team blog. There's a great summary of what happened our first week here, and there's a link to team bios on the side!

http://ncccgold1.blogspot.com

(You can also find this link on the side menu!)

Just a quick update since... yesterday:
The rain this weekend was insane! Yesterday my teammate Ben and i went for a walk in downtown portland, and i can't recall seeing anything other than a sadlooking Chinatown and a LOT of rain. The wind was really strong, and i honestly don't think i've ever been so wet from rain before. My mom's raincoat was great at keeping my upper body warm and dry, but my jeans were soaked through. At one point, i could feel the water dripping from my knees under the leggings i was wearing under my pants.
Next time, i'll just stay in and read.

In a total change, today was beautiful! There was even a bit of sunshine! Sure, it was through the clouds and not exactly warm, but sunshine!
Oy, it's going to be a long Portland winter...

Welcome to Portland, I hope you brought your raincoat.

2007-12-03T10:10:00.001-08:00

Hello!
I've been in Portland for exactly a week now. It started raining not long after we crossed the border into Oregon, and it has rained at least part of every day since then.
We got to our house about 8:30 monday night, and started work 12 hours later.
What am i doing? Habitat! We're working on 2 different Habitat sites. One is in its final stages, putting on the porch and the inside trim and the flooring and stuff like that. The other was just the frame when we got there, and the last couple days, we were putting the roof on and starting the building of the porch. This week, i worked 3 days at the house that's just a frame, and 2 days at the house that's almost done. I got to do flooring, and on saturday when i was there, i trained other people on how to do flooring! I've gotten pretty comfortable with the jigsaw and chopsaw and table saw and skillsaw (i used the skillsaw while on the roof the other day) and a pneumatic stapler. I'm getting better at hammering. We're all going to have huge forearm muscles from hammering by the end of this project.
It was cool to be training other people on Saturday. Especially because they were my parents' age. At first, working with people outside of americorps was unnerving. We've spent all this time working and training together to prepare to do all these work projects together, and here i am working with other people! I forgot that there are people that don't know who we are. And when they see just one or two of us, they probably don't realize that the clothing we wear is a uniform.
Being able to drive manual has made me a commodity, as I am also one of the drivers, so i've spent a couple afternoons driving big old scary trucks. It was awesome! The first one i drove had a horrible sound because the muffler is just kinda hanging off. And whenever i downshifted, it sang to me.
It's really good to be working now. It's not always great, they're still figuring out exactly what to do with us, but we're all learning a lot, and portland is a really cool city.

Definitely check out the team blog for pictures, i'll try to post again soon. We don't have a connection in the house, so i'm at the coffeeshop down the street. I just need to have the time to get here, which i haven't had until today.
Hasta luega
Send me emails and comments!

Induction enthusiasm

2007-11-24T22:05:00.000-08:00

I've never been one to easily run with the crowd. I have to sit back and figure out what's really going on, and figure out whether i really want to go along with that particular movement. This has resulted often in my lack of enthusiasm at things like pep rallies. and most of the sporting events i've attended.

but at induction on wednesday, i felt really excited, really proud to be a part of something. It was a surprise to me. When i stepped back, looked at what i was doing and asked myself if i really agreed with it all, i said yes!

I was proud to be a part of the gold unit when we went around the room and each unit did our cheer. I was happy to stand and shout "GOOOOOOOOOOOOOLD!" and pound the nugget (pound fists with other gold members)

Thought i'd leave for interested parties out there the induction oath.

I, (insert name here), do solemnly pledge that as a member of the Americorps*National Civilian Community Corps, I will serve as a leader and active citizen of my community and my country and will accept equally the opportunities and responsibilities of citizenship.
I will support and uphold the mission of Americorps*National Civilian Community Corps to strengthen communities and develop leaders through team based national and community service and commit to my role as a full participant of the Americorps*National Civilian Community Corps, Sacramento Campus, agreeing to abide by the guidlelines established to ensurea healthy and productive community experience for all Corps Members.
I will participate as a self-governing member of our nation. I will inform myself about the problems of my community and my country. And i will work with other citizens to solve those problems.
Further, I agree to continue to serve my country as a leader and citizen, not only thoruhg my involvement in Americorps*National Civilian Community Corps, but throughout my life. I make this pledge freely and without promise of personal gain.

There, now it's like my whole family was there to see induction. (Hi family!)

Next time i post, I will be in Portland (and it may be a while, i dont' know when i'll get to a wireless port, or what the internet situation will be like when i get there.)

bitch

2007-11-20T10:49:00.000-08:00

Hey! Bitch magazine is based out of Portland, and their office is only about 2 miles from where i'll be staying! how awesome is that.
Hooray bitch magazine.

Sarah Jane

2007-11-19T22:19:00.000-08:00

This doesn't really have a lot to do with my NCCC experience. But it's a part of my path that led me here, so i guess it sorta does. In the summer of 2005, I worked as an aide for a little girl with a seizure disorder and severe brain damage. Her name is Sarah Jane, and she won my heart. She couldn't talk, or move on her own, but she has a smile that can melt anyone. She loves music, she loves school, she was learning and growing at a rapid pace that summer. I have gone a long way away from St. Louis since that summer with Sarah, but I've never forgotten. Her wonderful parents have kept me on their list for updates on how sarah is doing, and each one, with good news or bad, brings me right back to her and all the time i got to spend with her.

I learned a great deal that summer, helping the physical therapists and occupational therapists and speech therapists and music therapist. I went to doctor and hospital visits with Sarah and her amazing mother Sandy. Sandy is an incredibly strong and intelligent woman who I admire. She was pregnant that summer with her second child, Graham, who i sadly have not met. The last time i visited them was December 2005 and Graham was born in January.

I've listed the link to Sandy's website about Sarah, and i hope that at some point you'll head over there, and at least look at the pictures.

Hopefully i can go visit her while i'm home.

free time? what's that

2007-11-19T18:03:00.000-08:00

CTI is wrapping up. We had our second baseline this morning. I shaved a minute and a half off my run time! And i did twice as many pushups and 20 more situps. Hell yeah.

And now, in the last couple days of CTI, they're stuffing every day full of trainings. It feels like each day is busier than the last. My team has our project briefing in the morning, more trainings tomorrow afternoon, then that's it! Induction (we become official corps members, ready to be deployed at any time) and Thanksgiving!
I'm excited about going home. About eating all those great thanksgiving foods and participating in home traditions. I'm sad that Kristin and Laura aren't going to be there, but i'm glad that i get to see my family. And who knows? maybe i'll even start tackling the project of cleaning out my room? (don't get your hopes up too much, mom. you know how i procrastinate.)

Right now, the information i have about where i'll be living in Portland is that it's a 3 bedroom house. (5 girls sleeping in cots in a tiny bedroom? it's like a dream come true!) and it comes with no furniture. And yes, you read that right. we've been informed that we'll be sleeping in cots. We'll get furniture from the Habitat Reuse center within the first week that we're there, but we've been told that we start work tuesday morning (after driving the whole way on monday and arriving very late monday night). We're hoping that this schedule will change in our favor. It's overwhelming to think we might start work before we can even get a cot to sleep on?

Yesterday was diversity training. It was a lot of things i've heard before, of course. But i thought that the women who lead it (both former NCCC) did a great job with it. It was hard...ok, impossible to stay mentally and emotionally engaged in the training for the full 8 hours. but i feel like i got a lot out of it, and i hope that other people on my team did as well.

Towards the end, they talked about volunteering as charity or solidarity, and shared with us a quote that i really liked:
"I don't believe in charity. I believe in solidarity. Charidy is vertical, so it's humiliating. It goes form the top to the bottom. Solidarity is horizontal. It respects the others and learns from the others. I have a lot to learn from other people." -Eduardo Galeano

Lots of love to everyone. And comment! I want to know who's reading!

Camp Mendocino

2007-11-17T11:12:00.000-08:00

My unit was at camp mendocino wednesday thru sunday. It was awesome, a lot of fun, lots of team bonding. We did this thing called Flying Squirrel, which is a high ropes course thing where you are harnessed in and tied to one end of a rope attached to a pulley about 25 feet in the air, then the rest of the team is attached to the other end. The team runs, the one person runs in the other direction, and ends up flying through the air, swinging back and forth.

I took an awesome video when i was flying, and i was really excited about posting it. But my camera seems to have lost it. Also, my battery charger doesn't appear to be work, which i'm thinking i can blame on the day that i walked around in the rain in san fran all day and my backpack got soaked. SO, if you want to see pictures from Mendocino, head on over to my team's blog (ncccgold1.blogspot.com) and check out the links over there.
In the meantime, my camera and i are in a fight. i'm very unhappy with it right now, it has not treated me well.

more sanfran fotos

2007-11-14T05:36:00.000-08:00

San Francisco weekend

2007-11-13T22:27:00.000-08:00

What a relief it was to be in a real city again! I didn't even make it to the real tourist attractions of the city, i was so caught up in just enjoying the city. I spent 4 hours walking around the mission by myself on saturday, and had an amazing time! I never rushed myself, i wasn't in a hurry to be anywhere, and i had no agenda. I just got to walk around and be a part of the city, something i haven't been able to do probably since may, in new york.

The city was beautiful. I met up with some americorps friends saturday afternoon and stayed with them the rest of the weekend. Sunday afternoon, we went to a park near twin peaks and climbed one of those famous San Fran hills to a rock face where we stood above the city, admiring its beauty below us as the sun set. It was beautiful and amazing.

So! the next time i go to san francisco, i have to go to the golden gate bridge, Fisherman's wharf, ghirardelli (are there free samples?), City Lights bookstore, all those famous things.

Tomorrow morning, i head to camp mendocino with my team and the rest of the gold unit for a service project, probably some bonding, and a little bit of ruffing it.
Back friday evening!

I am one week from done with CTI! This is exciting because i get to go home, then go to Portland and start the work which is the whole reason i'm doing this. This is also sad because i've made some good friends in the last month who i may very well not see again until the end of July.

Coming Out of the "Americloset"

2007-11-08T22:06:00.000-08:00

That was the name of the event tonight. The Pride Alliance event.
It's funny, i didn't expect there to be a pride alliance here. but i'm realizing after tonight's event that i need it here more than i ever needed it in college. Drew, for all people may have said good and bad about the atmosphere, was incredibly accepting compared to the outside world. And especially for me, with the bubble i built for myself there, it was easy to be comfortable with being out.
Going to camp last year, I wasn't sure i wanted to be out... i just hadn't decided yet. But i did have a girlfriend that i was completely in love with, and the very idea that i wouldn't talk about her was pretty rediculous. So instead of not coming out to anyone, i came out within the first 5 minutes of conversation with the first person i had a conversation with. And Harriman 2006 wasn't 100% comfortable with my being gay, no one was ever mean to me about it. I hope that by my being just simply there and out, they became more comfortable with the world outside of heteronorms.
Pretty much the same thing happened last fall when i got to new york. the words "my girlfriend" just popped out of my mouth, and though i considered gender ambiguity for a second or two, i just didn't bother.
Back at camp this summer, i was so completely comfortable and in my zone that it was not even close to a question of being in or out.
So here I am, in yet another new situation. And I've been out to myself for years, to my friends for almost the same length of time. And now that i'm out to my parents, i guess i sort of feel invincible. They were the last frontier, and now that they know and are by and large ok, i don't even think about people being unaccepting. Generally i challenge people by dropping my sexuality like some sort of grenade, just to see how it'll hit them, whether they'll explode, implode, or just be cool with it. I don't care how it affects people. If someone i consider my friend doesn't accept me for who i am, then i pretty much think 'fuck them' and can't be asked to further pursue a friendship.
But my team... it's a completely different question. This is a group of people who have been thrown together. And despite our different beliefs and backgrounds, we are all going to be living and working together for the next 10 months. And for the first time in a long time, i feel that i need to approach the situation more gently, not just for my sake but for their sake. One by one, i'm feeling people out and getting to know them. I'm trying to figure out who would be able to handle knowing now and who needs some time. Basically, I want to know that the individuals on my team see me as a whole person, and not as a label. I really hate being pigeonholed into one label. I want them to see me first as a hardworking dedicated member of my team. Second as a compassionate individual invested in doing my part to improve the situations of people in this country who need my and our help. After that, i want them to see me as the opinionated, lighting obsessed, sociologically thinking, theatre loving, book loving, movie loving, music loving, quiet, intelligent, leadership qualityful, queer liberal feminist that i am. All of it.

Boys and Girls Club

2007-11-08T07:51:00.000-08:00

Just a quick note, i have to go to a meeting in about 5 minutes. Just wanted to say a word about my team's day project yesterday.
I was excited to work at a boys and girls club. I've done a lot of volunteer work that is similar, of course. Like the literacy thing i did in college a couple times, for one example. It was helping kids with their homework then playing with them. But unfortunately, it wasn't well organized. I think there was a lot of work to do, but they weren't prepared for us, so they didn't have enough tasks to fill our time. And while most people would be excited to have more free time in their work day, we're Americorps, we're here to work, and we like to work hard. So it was frustrating, and a slow start. And we weren't given a lot of information or direction, just told to play with the kids. But the kids were cute. Surprisingly will spoken, a lot of them had really strong language skills, well beyond their years i thought.
In the end, it was a good day of work, despite the slow start. And my TL said that it was good for us because it gave us a taste for the kind of patience we need to have, because things aren't always going to go as planned. Flexibility! that's our middle name.

Must run!

bikes and movies

2007-11-05T22:33:00.000-08:00

2 thoughts, neither of which i'm prepared to elaborate on at the moment, but i'm putting them out there.
the first, an article i found on portland, which calls it 'bike city, usa'
(that's the link.) it's the ny times.

the second is about the movie i saw tonight. My old pod leader, the lovely Ashlee who i still love and miss, had a showing of it tonight for everyone on campus, and quite a few people came out. It is a compelling documentary about the invisible children in northern Uganda. Uganda is next to Sudan, and many of the problems of the south of Sudan and of Northern Uganda are related and becoming worse together.
I haven't checked out the website yet, but it's invisiblechildren.com

and one more link, since Laura asked, and maybe everyone else would be interested as well: my team has a blog, which can be found at ncccgold1.blogspot.com
there are pictures of my team and such there. it's still a work in progress. eventually we will make it pretty, between trainings and meetings and everything else we do around here. :)

The next step

2007-11-03T09:51:00.000-07:00

It's November. We keep saying that to each other, as we sit outside with the beautiful weather, the clear blue sky, and the temperatures in the high 70s to low 80s. It's November. Really? None of the seasonal things that usually tell me that it's late fall have shown up. I don't mind though, really. I don't like winter, so I'd be happy if it never came. I think I am the only person in my group who spent yesterday crossing my fingers for a hot weather location.
Oh, i didn't say? We found out yesterday where we're going on our first spikes. I was hoping for a Gulf Coast spike, for lots of reasons. I'm eager to get down there, to do the work i've wanted to do ever since the hurricanes first happened. And i knew that most people would be there, it would be nice to have more time with my friends who aren't in my team. And selfishly, I wanted to be somewhere it would never get cold. But there will be time to go to the gulf. In fact, as my first project is in this region, there's a pretty good chance that I could spend the rest of my time in the Gulf.
So where am i going? Portland, Oregon. We'll be working with Habitat for Humanity there. We'll have a 4 bedroom house to share between our 13 person team. Which is actually a pretty nice deal as far as Americorps goes, since it'll only be our team living there. We'll have some space and some privacy. And while Portland isn't exactly warm, it's not going to snow. It's just going to rain. A lot. I'm going to have to work very hard against my seasonal depression. The work will help. (As work always does) We'll be working Tuesday thru Saturday 8:30 am to 4 pm. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me.
It'll also be a great place for me to do a lot of my ISPs, because of the city setting. (ISPs are Independent Service Projects, we're required to 80 hours of service on our own, in addition to the hours we work at our assigned project.) I'm also looking forward to being in what i hear is a pretty awesome, liberal, hip city. I've heard good things about public transportation, always a plus.
I've got a lot of friends going to the Gulf. In fact, 27 of the 37 teams will be in the gulf. I wish i could go too, i wanna be with my friends. What if we are on opposite ends of the country for the whole rest of the 10 month service? But a friend told me when i expressed this concern that i think too much. and worry too much. yeah yeah, i know.
A couple of my friends are doing local projects, right here in Sacramento. Which means they've got 7 more weeks to live here at McClellan Park. They're frustrated, but the projects they're doing sound awesome. I don't know how i'd feel about being here. Especially if all my friends were sent off other places. It's definitely going to be a challenging transition for all of us. So many of us have made friends who are all on different teams now, and after Thanksgiving, we'll all be sent off to different places around the country. Will we stay in touch? How many of the friends I've made during CTI will still be my friends next July? It's hard to say, but then, it's not why I'm here, is it.
I'm here to do service, to work hard and help others. To work through my perceptions and prejudices and have a greater understanding of the people of this country as a whole. It's all about the service, and the friendships can just be counted in the perks.

Well, It's November 3rd, but the sky is clear blue, and it's supposed to get up to the 70s again today. So i'm going to go get dressed and spend the rest of this lovely day reading outside!

Yoga Zen

2007-10-30T23:23:00.000-07:00

I realized tonight during yoga, when i was releasing stress and all that at the end, that while it is ok for me to miss new york, it doesn't make sense to use so much of my emotional energy on wishing i was in a place where i am not.
I learned as recently as this summer that it is only possible for me to fully enjoy an experience and a place once i invest myself in being there fully. Which is basically what kristin told me this morning as well.

Today was actually a great day. The daytime stuff was fine, nothing all that good or bad about the trainings. But after, i spent hours sitting in the grass with a group of people that changed constantly, having conversation, learning from everyone around me. And after dinner tonight, i went to yoga, led by my former pod leader, who was an awesome pod leader, and is an awesome yoga instructor. i felt so good about myself during and after the class. It was incredibly slow and relaxed, but i think that whether i realized it or not, that was just what i needed today.

And then tonight i watched My Neighbor Totoro with some friends! Such a cute movie, i feel so happy after that.

AND! I don't have to get for PT tomorrow. Wednesday is the day off. Yay!
PT's been ok, by the way. Yesterday was the first day and it was pretty easy. And today, we ran 2 miles, and i had running partners, we kept each other motivated, and even though i wanted to give up at one point, we ran(jogged) the whole thing, and after it ended, i was proud that i had been able to do that. I can't say i'm starting to enjoy running or anything, but i don't feel like a total slug. :)

amandas and MADD

2007-10-27T20:09:00.000-07:00

There are so many girls named Amanda here! I've known people named amanda before, but never so many. There's one other Amanda on my team, and we're still trying to figure out what to do with that, so that we aren't all confused all the time, because neither of us really wants to have a nickname. And, there's another Amanda in the group that i've been hanging out with recently. And there's at least one other Amanda on my floor... and 3 more that i've had conversations longer than 5 minutes with, and probably 10 or so more on campus. Why did they all have to take my name? It's not like my parents named me Laura or Lauren or Katy or Kate or Caitlin, those names that so many of my friends seem to have. I've never felt so unoriginal in regards to my name. And i think there's some Mandys too! Geez!

Today was great though. We finally did some actual work. It was Make a Difference Day, a national service movement to create community gardens and green spaces in cities across the country. I really enjoyed the place I was working. I know other people at the farm were doing things like breaking down dilapidated buildings and planting things and building things, all kinds of projects i'd have found much more interesting, but even painting and cleaning was nice after days of classrooms with no windows. I think i can enjoy any project that i can look at in the end and see that i've made an impact. The place i was working is called Soil Born Farm Urban Agriculture Project. It's a sustainable agriculture project. It's the first time i've really been exposed to things like this, i've always thought that it was just for the hippies and really environmental people, but i think that maybe these are projects i can get behind. Helps kids, lots of hard work, lots of being outside. And it was started by 2 people, including 1 former Americorps member.
I may have to look into spending more time at this place...
website, if you're curious (i haven't looked at it yet, but i will!): soilborn.org

baseline: check!

2007-10-25T14:17:00.000-07:00

I had my baseline test, the initial physical training test that determines which level i'm in for the rest of CTI (Corps Training Institute), and i'm so glad it's finally over! I thought they'd do it as soon as we got here, and now i'm glad they didn't, because it meant i had a chance to get comfortable here before doing something that could potentially make me feel really bad about myself.
But it's over now, and I do NOT feel bad about myself! At all! I ran (jogged) the whole way. Didn't stop once to walk. So i can now say i've run a mile and a half. And from what i hear, we will continue to push and push. I've got plenty of room for improvement, but i have done the test now. no more need to be nervous.
Now, i just have some early mornings ahead of me on monday, tuesday, thursday and friday of every week for the rest of CTI. I'm so sore right now!
But I've got a reading date with some people from my team soon. We're going to go to Starbucks (or maybe Jamba Juice) and sit and read our seperate books.... or more likely, we'll sit with our books in front of us and talk. But that's cool too!

Gold 1

2007-10-24T19:04:00.000-07:00

That's my team: Gold 1.
So for those of you who already have my address, add that after my name to get mail to me even faster. Especially once i go out on spike, it'll be good to have my team on there so they can send my mail to wherever i am.

Now for some definitions!
Muster=meet at a location, usually in the morning
Spike- the official definition is a project that is off campus. So my 4 projects, which will most likely not be in Sacramento, will be called Spikes.
other little trivial definitions just for interest include:
BDUs-Battle Dress Uniform (our uniform pants)
EBI- Even Better Ifs-we have these response sessions where we say what could be better and what we liked. the what could be betters are even better ifs
NCCC-National Civilian Community Corps
POC-Point of Contact
POS-Piece of shit (what my TL called our current van)
TL-Team Leader
CM-Corps Member - That's me!

I'm glad to have my team now. And we have our Baseline tests in the morning. 6:20 am baby!
So after that, i no longer have to be nervous about the baseline, just the PT itself.
(baseline is the initial test, PT is Physical Training)

So wish me luck! Though.. by the time many of you read this i'll have done the test already.
Yay Gold 1.

California Wildfires

2007-10-23T15:28:00.000-07:00

We learned today that the Red Cross disaster training we were supposed to have has been suspended because of fires in southern California. Because of the isolated environment we're in, despite having an internet connection i haven't been paying attention to the news. But today, when my browser opened, there they were, the california wild fires right on the front page of the NY times.
And when i was talking to people at lunch, we sort of realized that if we weren't still in training, we'd almost definitely be down there helping out in whatever way we could. But instead, I'm about to go to my intro to PT.

but here's a link.
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/10/23/us/23cnd-fire.html?_r=1&hp&oref=slogin

Dull Sacramento

2007-10-23T08:00:00.000-07:00

After taking the light rail into downtown Sacramento 2 days in a row, i think it's safe for me to say that 1. the light rail is easy to use and quite convenient (only a one mile walk!) and 2. Sacramento is boring.
That isn't to say that i've given up on it. I'm determined to find something valuable in this new city of mine. It must have something interesting to offer, right? Some artsy neighborhood or something...

I did determine yesterday when i was in Sacramento that everyone here is nicer than me. That's probably not actually true. And I like to think of myself as a fairly nice person, but i have never been very good at witholding my opinions. Like yesterday when we went into one restaurant for a potential lunch spot, but discovered that it would've been impossible to pay less than 15 dollars for a meal. Everyone was kinda like, ho hum, i suppose that's fine. And i said "i think that's a little bit more than i want to pay for lunch." so we went somewhere else. I really don't see anything wrong with that sort of expressing of my opinions, but i feel like an alien doing it when no one else is!!
I'm also pretty sure most of the time i'm the only cynical person here. I also know this isn't true.. I've in fact made friends with the one person here who is more cynical than me. She and i get along quite well. But around everyone else, i feel myself tip-toeing. and i know that everyone's doing that right now, none of us know each other very well... but i don't like it and i'm not good at it.

Final piece of news, I got to have decent length phone conversations with my dad, Autumn, and Kateri yesterday throughout the evening. I don't think i even realized how homesick i was, but to be able to talk to people i loved, it became blaringly obvious to me how much i miss everyone at home.... or wherever they are. And as i thought of that this morning, and started thinking maybe i want to go home, i realized that of the 4 people i talked to yesterday (yes, i can do math, i talked to Laura online) they are in 4 different places, no one closer than 3 hours away from each other. So while my friends are spread out literally all over the world, there is no reason for me to run home. I need to just embrace this adventure that i'm currently on and make the most of it. But it doesn't mean i can't miss people.

One last thing: I have my introduction to PT this afternoon. So i'll be able to determine fully how well i'll be able to handle this whole 5:30 am PT thing after today. I'm trying very hard to be optimistic. Think happy thoughts for me at about 4 pm California time!

i miss theatre!!!

2007-10-21T19:42:00.000-07:00

I was reading the Sacramento News & Review today. It's their version of the Riverfront Times or the Village Voice. I was just looking through the reviews, trying to get a feel of this city. And i got to the theatre page. there's one page. there's like 8 shows happening in the city, and that includes community theatre all the way up to fancy touring shows. How depressing!! It made me want to be back in new york more than anything else has. Even though most of the time i was in new york i didn't see many shows outside of the one i was working on, they were there, and i did take the opportunity about once a month to go see a show that i had been reading about and was interested in seeing. Aah, it scares me to think of not having theatre in my life.

American River

2007-10-21T08:20:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was awesome!
I'll go back a bit. We have basically the entire weekend off. I had my physical last night at 7:30, but beyond that, i've been off since mid afternoon on Friday, and the next thing i have is a community meeting tomorrow morning at 8 am. And then i'm actually off for the rest of the day tomorrow. I think it's because they're having to do the trainings in rotation, and only have so many people in the administrative staff, so some people have down time while others get to sit in meetings all day. I don't really know how it'll work for the rest of training, but that's what's happening right now.

Back to yesterday.
My pod (temporary team), along with a few others, went to the American River, which is about 20 minutes away. There's a beach at a slow moving part of the river, and you can swim, hike, and supposedly kayak. The kayak rental place was closed, unfortunately, but it was pretty, and the hiking, while not amazing, was still nice. It was really good to get off campus, get fresh air, move my legs and get some exercise. I know i should be running to get ready for this baseline test coming up, but i just don't want to. So hiking was great, i walked with a couple other people, one from my pod and one from another pod that i met as we were starting our walk, and we had a great conversation about fascinating things like what is art and how this guy i was walking with is going to do a mock moon landing on the 30 year anniversary of the original moon landing as art. It wasn't the longest, most interesting, or challenging hike i've done recently, but it was still really nice.

Then last night, after my physical, i was just walking through the two buildings looking for something to do. I was hoping people might be playing games again, because i played apples to apples a few nights ago, and heard people played spoons night before last. But i didn't get too far. I was in one of the other dorms, found a friend of mine looking at the bookshelf in the computer lab, and started talking to her. As we sat by the bookshelf talking, this other girl i'd met before came over and we started talking to her. The second girl decided to start organizing the bookshelf, the first girl had to leave, someone the second girl knew came over to look at the books, sat down, then another girl came over, and before i knew it i'd been sitting there an hour. The girl organizing left to go to bed, and another hour passed as i had this conversation with the other two girls there, who i'd just met. We ended up deciding to go to bed, but as we were on our way out, some other people taht we happened to all know came by the room, and I ended up sitting with them for 2 more hours in another room having a conversation that started out with quotes from mean girls and ended up as a discussion on abortion, faith, and how people of different views can benefit from listening to each other.
It was really cool, and there were people with completely different views from my own, and it was awesome to just sit there and talk to them, hear their views, speak my mind, but know that while we may not have all agreed, we were listening to each other and learning. I hope that i meet up with those people again, and that conversations like that happen more and more here.
I actually found myself incredibly challenged by that discussion to listen to people whose views were very different from my own. I realized that the environments i've been in through college and working in theatre didn't provide me with a very diverse group as far as mindsets and belief systems went.
I also realized that I had something of an evolution in college. When i first got there, I found the way so many of the people around me generalized and stereotyped incredibly frustrating, but somehow 4 years of living in an environment like that made me think in the same way. I heard myself speaking, and thought i sounded like such a snob, sitting there acting like i knew what it was all about and i had everything figured out. Truth is, I know i don't have everything figured out, and i was incredibly happy to be able to sit and have a respectful conversation with people i disagreed with.

I have today off as well, but there's nothing planned, i have no idea what i want to do. I hear that the bus system's a mess, but it is possible to get to downtown Sacramento by light rail, if you can figure out how to get to it. I also know that a few of the people i was with last night said they were going to try to get their team leader to organize a trip to the American River for this afternoon, so maybe i can jump on that and go there again. There were some great climbing trees, but i didn't have time to do any climbing because i spent my entire time on my walk.
And if nothing else, i wouldn't mind sitting and reading my book all day.