June (or the happy post)

Summer brings a whole new feel to the city. And that sense of doom i felt when i looked forward at my empty calendar subsides as i remember the joys of sitting in a park on the grass long enough to finish an entire book. the mood of freedom and celebration is thick in the air. the mermaid parade today was great fun. i found myself exclaiming 'yay, i love summer!' at least 3 or 4 times.
it helps that i worked a ton in april and may. it helps that i finally connected with work friends. that i have found people to go to all the museums and things with me. that i'm happy.
i'm going to the beach tomorrow. third time this week, second time for swinging, first time for my birthday.

last summer, the heat of my room was unbearable. this summer, i think-well, i'll just go to the park around the corner (it was closed last year) or i'll just go to the mall (why did i never think of that before? everyone in the mall seems to be there hiding from the heat. none of us have AC)

Tonight I saw RED on broadway. with alfred molina and eddie redmayne. the lighting was incredible. the sound was great. they didn't use mics! (which was problematic when the inevitable cell phones went off, but the rest of the time great. and i was sitting as far from the stage as possible!)
i need to see a play a week, just to remember how i love theatre. because i do. (i know, i've said it before)

The end of discovery

The end of discovery

Can it be? This is what I thought about st. Louis when I was leaving
the first/second (not the last time).
And about NYC, it's not that I have seen everything. It's more that
it's all been seen, done, and redone. What can I possibly create or
discover in this city that hasn't been created, discovered, destroyed,
and created again.

...and here it is. Just this moment I have realized that beyond
exploration and discovery, I still have a drive to create. I want to
create. Be creative. Be on the cusp, the beginning of something. A
part of a new and better...something? (world. I still want to create a
better way for the world. Yes I want to be a part of it. But moreso, I
want to be at the forefront.)
Surprise, self! I still want that.

(Edit: I still feel that new york is all done. still don't know what i might do about this feeling)

It's the same as saying only i can say mean things about my family, i guess. for me, i mean. Or maybe it's not. i'm having trouble trying to figure it out, or at least how to explain it, but it feels like i'm protecting the fortress of my own decisions.
i wanted to be an occupational therapist for a hot minute, but i pursued that to a certain point, and it didn't feel right. i found a place in new york that is the kind of place i thought i wanted to work. basically, it was a gym with OTs and PTs and such and they worked with the NY public school system. conceptually, when i was exchanging emails and asking questions, even in person asking questions about schools, i was like, this is ok. And then i met a couple kids, they were cute, it was all quite familiar... and there was nothing particularly wrong. it just didn't feel right. this gut feeling telling me, i don't want to be here. i was ready to leave an hour earlier than i was supposed to, and by the time i did leave, i was done. no more questions, no more interest.
was it that school? is it the feeling i have every time i encounter the ny public school system, that it just seems so dirty and convoluted?
that was in november, and 6 months later, i'm still not sure. and i'm still not ready to cross that career off the list, i just know that i'm not doing it here.
the list of careers i could potentially have, just not here, is growing. does this mean i'm in the wrong place? or does it mean that i really don't want those jobs? i'm not sure.
i feel like there is something out there that may be more Right for me...but i haven't found it yet.
for me to leave theatre again, i need to feel compelled. the basic bleeding heart non profit stuff elicits little more than a shrug from me these days. i might be getting too new york or too disconnected, but i feel a lot of the time like i'm empty and something is missing. except, about 70 % of the time, when i'm working in theatre. the work may not be perfect for me, it may be mundane at times, and not well paying at times, but it's the only thing i keep returning to, so that must mean something, right?
i need to find more work. i know. my family i'm sure worries as i don't really seem to be using my college degree, and don't seem to be quite making a living.
and yes, i do spend about 3 days a week thinking that perhaps i should think about doing something else.
all i know is that i love this world of theatre. and where else can i see the most talented actors in the world doing any number of high quality shows any night of the week? nowhere. so i've got to stay here.
but, you know, ask me again tomorrow.

Poetical

I love memoirs. But lately they make me jealous. So often, when a
writer creates an autobiographical story, it is a part of that journey
to becoming a writer.
What about the rest of us? I don't want to be a writer. I don't have
the talent or inclination. But still I turn to books for guidance.
Maybe I should turn to people istead. But I find seeking career advice
is never very helpful. Either someone says, "well, what is it you want
to do?" Or they can only tell me how they came to be where they are
today. Neither is helpful.
I heard on NPR that kids in america today have a much higher rate of
anxiety because of how many choices we have before us. To become
anything we want to be. And knowing the choices before me... Well, it
mostly just makes me feel guilty. What right do I have? With my
moderate intelligence and excellent education, shouldn't I be doing
something important with my life?
I think that question keepse frozen in place. Well, and this one: you
can be anything in the world that you want to be. What do you want?
I Don't KNOW.
A few times I have given myself the advice to just pick something and
run with it. Well, I am running, but I think I am just running in
place. I feel no more certain or calm or confident than I did 6 months
or two years ago.

When I see someone doing what they want to be doing, I ache with the
desire to be them. When I meet someone in a potentially romantic
encounter, I find confidence in career choice sexy. I find uncertainty
entirely unappealing. This is how I know that I am squarely in the
middle of a long single period of my life. I haven't any idea what I
want. How very unsexy.

something must be done about his brain

or the room. i had a great night. saw a wonderful play with autumn (Present Laughter) and was enjoying my nice walk home in only a light jacket. thinking positive thoughts about theatre and spring...
i got into the house, and i checked for mail, i washed my dishes, and climbed the stairs, tea in hand.
and then, as i mounted the stairs to my floor, the negative thoughts just sunk in. as i walked into my room, there they were. waiting for me.
so i've decided i need to redecorate somehow. not sure how yet. maybe a little rearranging of the furniture, an attempt at feng shui perhaps(not that i understand that art in the slightest)
if only i could be sure that the snow was done, i'd take teh plastic off the windows so i could get some fresh air. Do i dare? i feel like to unwrap the windows is to ask for the cold weather to return. or am i being too negative?

two things: one old one new

Old News: I still like working in theater. New jobs still make me happy. And without even getting to see the set, I find the experience of working on an actual production is more rewarding. This show sounds cool, i'd like to go see it (i'd probably even pay to see it)
People say i'm silly/misguided for this. Theatre isn't where the money is! But I keep telling them, if I was in it for the money, i never would have ended up in this career field.
I find that every day that i work, i discover new things that I want to learn, and things that i'm not very good at. I don't think that being bad at something is a bad thing. Room for improvement means room to grow.
As I have said many times to many people, including probably in this blog: When i stop wanting to do my job well, When i stop caring about the end product, regardless of how it may reflect on me, then i know it's time for me to leave this job.

It's old news because I feel like I've said it before. It's like when i say, as i most desperately wanted to say to every person i spoke to today: Warm sunny days make me happy! This pre-spring tease is making me so excited i'm nervous. I know it's not going to last. It'll probably snow next week or something. But Sunshine! T-shirt weather! this makes me so pleased with life.

New:
And what's better than a blog by me? A blog FOR me! http://blogforamanda.blogspot.com
my friend ania has made a new blog, it seems for my benefit. that's what the title says anyway.
It's only a couple days old, but so far quite nice!

the anti list

surprise! i keep dragging this blog back up from the forgotten depths of the interwebs. just when you and i both thought it was done.

See, i'm finding myself doing a lot of internet reading these days, and not a lot of actually doing anything. also, i read things an awful lot that are similar to sentiments i would have, but articulated better. or i find my own 'voice' annoying. or i think, why on earth would anyone want to read that?
but the internal dialog is persistent, and sometimes i need to let it ooze out my fingers so it can stop rattling around in my head.

i was thinking about lists. about how so many blogs are focused around them. how much people seem to enjoy putting things in lists. list your favorite albums. list your favorite movies. top ten internet faux pas. top 5 reasons why i never finished... whatever.

my new favorite blog did a "list your top ten favorite albums" which got lots and lots of responses. and i thought, i have nothing to add.
but today, a month later.. (i'm slow to think on things sometimes)...i realised that the idea that i have nothing to contribute to a discussion on music is silly. i listen to music. i love music.
i may not know and love every ani album ever. or every radiohead or u2 or any other appropriately cool band. but i love music. i tend to find something i like, and i devour it. i will listen to the same album daily for a week, a month, 6 months. even a year. ask my dad about the rent soundtrack.
so i looked at all these lists and i thought, how do i narrow it down to 10? and are there as many as 10? and it was too much pressure and i didn't do it.

me and lists. i have made lists of possible jobs/careers to pursue at least a dozen times in the last couple years. and i make to do lists. or made. not so much recently. not much to do recently.

but when it comes to ideas (not tasks), i find lists take away their strength. put it on a list and it's like it's already gone. oversimplifying and narrowing it down to a line on a page takes away its strength. like my resume. how do i squish all of the intangible and yet priceless lessons of failure into the space between two lines of text?