self-examination in the form of late night musings. or, from my written journal

I'm afraid of time slipping by.
I'm afraid while i sit at home today thinking of what I'm going to do tomorrow, the world is passing me by.
I'm a always afraid to commit to any one thing. Afraid that in doing so i will miss out on where i am supposed to be and what i'm destined to do.
But i'm getting sick of that perspective in myself. i think we make our own destiny. i think that i am well past my time of sitting by and doing nothing, waiting for inspiration to come upon me
Life is a journey and we make our own destiny. so, self, stop worrying about missing out. go forward full throttle, and trust yourself to make the choices that will lead you where you were meant to be.

*(this portion of inspiration came from watching
Alix Olson's Left Lane documentary)

That being said, and continuing with the belief that in each choice i make i am shaping my own destiny, i am glad to be here. i am glad to ahve the chacne to take this time to step aside for a moment and breathe. I belive more and more each day that i am home that these weeks of peace and respite are doing me good.

I have noticed in myself a tendency to basically live up to others' expectations of me. so no matter what impression i give the community i live in, i am able to give them more and more proof that i am that great person they think i am, or more and more ammo to use against me. (recently, it's more of the latter)
I feair that i either come on too strong or that i am so mild in temper and manner tha ti make no impression at all.
What i want more than anything in my next destination and phase in life is to step between those two extremes to some sort of happy medium. but i don't know how to do this. because i have discovered in self examination that both come from the same place: shyness. Or to really break it down, Fear. I am afraid of people. Afraid of being not enough or too much . Afraid of just going on with the system and getting lost in the tide, afraid that with the sound of my own voice i may be drowning out my messsage.
so where do i go from here? I find myself asking the same question I asked 10 years ago. How do i become who i want to be? or if i am trusting that since i am past my formative years it is somwhere inside me already, how do I let it out? How do i speak with the voice that lets my words be heard?
The trap i seem to get caught in most often is that of Tone. And with observation and contemplation of myself and others, i realise that i am not alone in this struggle.
I also realise that the people on this path with me are not outgoing. We aer introverts. We are not people-persons. I love people, both individuals and humanity. But i feel most of the time like there is a pane of glass between me and the world. It acts as a filter, an I try to break it down. but when i do, it goes all wrong. the filter, like one on a stage light, sems to allow people to see me in a softer glwo, more the way i want to be seen. break it down, the light is harsh and blinding. leave it up, and i'm easy to dismiss.
So i guess what i need to do is figure out how to change the filter. good job, self, using that lovely theatre analogy. but how do i do that?

now what do i do?

Yesterday, I woke up rested after a family vacation, with a purpose: call the hr dept and find out when i start this job.
But the response wasn't what i expected. Turns out this company has some serious miscommunication issues and the dept i'd be working for told me i was hired, while the hr dept hired someone else. so they don't need me. i'm jobless again. or still.
as you might guess, i was disappointed yesterday. but my mom was home from work, so we hung out, and the day passed, it was fine.
but today, i woke up and i thought, now what do i do? do i continue to look for a job i won't care about in a city i know i don't want to live in? do i get by with the few small opportunities i have succeeded in getting and just pass the time jobless? start volunteering, that kind of thing? or do i just say fuck it to everything and this whole city, and start my journey to somewhere new? and if i do that, where do i go? i'm leaning heavier and heavier towards new york. i've got the plan all worked out if i go there. but then, i had a plan all worked out for here, too, and it's not really working out.
i don't know. i'm stuck, jobless, and everyone keeps saying the economy sucks, and unfortunately i'm just feeling the effects of that. but i'm really not that picky. i just want A job. i'm not particular, really.
ugh ugh UGH