It's the same as saying only i can say mean things about my family, i guess. for me, i mean. Or maybe it's not. i'm having trouble trying to figure it out, or at least how to explain it, but it feels like i'm protecting the fortress of my own decisions.
i wanted to be an occupational therapist for a hot minute, but i pursued that to a certain point, and it didn't feel right. i found a place in new york that is the kind of place i thought i wanted to work. basically, it was a gym with OTs and PTs and such and they worked with the NY public school system. conceptually, when i was exchanging emails and asking questions, even in person asking questions about schools, i was like, this is ok. And then i met a couple kids, they were cute, it was all quite familiar... and there was nothing particularly wrong. it just didn't feel right. this gut feeling telling me, i don't want to be here. i was ready to leave an hour earlier than i was supposed to, and by the time i did leave, i was done. no more questions, no more interest.
was it that school? is it the feeling i have every time i encounter the ny public school system, that it just seems so dirty and convoluted?
that was in november, and 6 months later, i'm still not sure. and i'm still not ready to cross that career off the list, i just know that i'm not doing it here.
the list of careers i could potentially have, just not here, is growing. does this mean i'm in the wrong place? or does it mean that i really don't want those jobs? i'm not sure.
i feel like there is something out there that may be more Right for me...but i haven't found it yet.
for me to leave theatre again, i need to feel compelled. the basic bleeding heart non profit stuff elicits little more than a shrug from me these days. i might be getting too new york or too disconnected, but i feel a lot of the time like i'm empty and something is missing. except, about 70 % of the time, when i'm working in theatre. the work may not be perfect for me, it may be mundane at times, and not well paying at times, but it's the only thing i keep returning to, so that must mean something, right?
i need to find more work. i know. my family i'm sure worries as i don't really seem to be using my college degree, and don't seem to be quite making a living.
and yes, i do spend about 3 days a week thinking that perhaps i should think about doing something else.
all i know is that i love this world of theatre. and where else can i see the most talented actors in the world doing any number of high quality shows any night of the week? nowhere. so i've got to stay here.
but, you know, ask me again tomorrow.

Poetical

I love memoirs. But lately they make me jealous. So often, when a
writer creates an autobiographical story, it is a part of that journey
to becoming a writer.
What about the rest of us? I don't want to be a writer. I don't have
the talent or inclination. But still I turn to books for guidance.
Maybe I should turn to people istead. But I find seeking career advice
is never very helpful. Either someone says, "well, what is it you want
to do?" Or they can only tell me how they came to be where they are
today. Neither is helpful.
I heard on NPR that kids in america today have a much higher rate of
anxiety because of how many choices we have before us. To become
anything we want to be. And knowing the choices before me... Well, it
mostly just makes me feel guilty. What right do I have? With my
moderate intelligence and excellent education, shouldn't I be doing
something important with my life?
I think that question keepse frozen in place. Well, and this one: you
can be anything in the world that you want to be. What do you want?
I Don't KNOW.
A few times I have given myself the advice to just pick something and
run with it. Well, I am running, but I think I am just running in
place. I feel no more certain or calm or confident than I did 6 months
or two years ago.

When I see someone doing what they want to be doing, I ache with the
desire to be them. When I meet someone in a potentially romantic
encounter, I find confidence in career choice sexy. I find uncertainty
entirely unappealing. This is how I know that I am squarely in the
middle of a long single period of my life. I haven't any idea what I
want. How very unsexy.

something must be done about his brain

or the room. i had a great night. saw a wonderful play with autumn (Present Laughter) and was enjoying my nice walk home in only a light jacket. thinking positive thoughts about theatre and spring...
i got into the house, and i checked for mail, i washed my dishes, and climbed the stairs, tea in hand.
and then, as i mounted the stairs to my floor, the negative thoughts just sunk in. as i walked into my room, there they were. waiting for me.
so i've decided i need to redecorate somehow. not sure how yet. maybe a little rearranging of the furniture, an attempt at feng shui perhaps(not that i understand that art in the slightest)
if only i could be sure that the snow was done, i'd take teh plastic off the windows so i could get some fresh air. Do i dare? i feel like to unwrap the windows is to ask for the cold weather to return. or am i being too negative?

two things: one old one new

Old News: I still like working in theater. New jobs still make me happy. And without even getting to see the set, I find the experience of working on an actual production is more rewarding. This show sounds cool, i'd like to go see it (i'd probably even pay to see it)
People say i'm silly/misguided for this. Theatre isn't where the money is! But I keep telling them, if I was in it for the money, i never would have ended up in this career field.
I find that every day that i work, i discover new things that I want to learn, and things that i'm not very good at. I don't think that being bad at something is a bad thing. Room for improvement means room to grow.
As I have said many times to many people, including probably in this blog: When i stop wanting to do my job well, When i stop caring about the end product, regardless of how it may reflect on me, then i know it's time for me to leave this job.

It's old news because I feel like I've said it before. It's like when i say, as i most desperately wanted to say to every person i spoke to today: Warm sunny days make me happy! This pre-spring tease is making me so excited i'm nervous. I know it's not going to last. It'll probably snow next week or something. But Sunshine! T-shirt weather! this makes me so pleased with life.

New:
And what's better than a blog by me? A blog FOR me! http://blogforamanda.blogspot.com
my friend ania has made a new blog, it seems for my benefit. that's what the title says anyway.
It's only a couple days old, but so far quite nice!