fear

Sunday night, someone broke my car window in an effort to break into my car. Lucky for me, they found nothing valuable, or maybe they got scared off. But either way, nothing was taken. I sighed, thought about how grateful i was that it was sunny on monday and tuesday until i could get it replaced, and moved on. I went and had a relaxing day on the beach... I just moved one.
But not quite. I find myself looking at the various groups of teenagers, who i see regularly in my neighborhood, and wondering if these were the kids that broke my window. I find that i am a little less comfortable walking from my car to my house at midnight after work.
And this makes me mad. I like my neighborhood. I do feel safe here. but now what? I have a new window, but i find myself thinking, is this a safe street for my car? Do i want to walk down this area where the street light is blocked by the trees? How save can i be when my car can be brokent into in front of a church?
I feel better thinking about it as if it's a couple of obnoxious kids. I had made the mistake of having my window cracked, which i think probably makes it easier to break. Because if it's just a couple of kids playing a prank, then i can go on thinking of this as a safe place. But right now, i find myself feeling suspicious of every person i see wearing hood styles and out late at night. And i hate that i am thinking that way.

I've had an epiphany. and then i didn't know what to do with this new self knowledge. And so i held it, and it festered... for a week. which inside my head feels like a long time. And finally yesterday, i sat and talked to one of the run crew guys about this new sudden awareness i had.. and then this morning, i woke up with a weight lifted off my chest. i felt that i was able to finally spring out of bed again, after the last month of each day being harder and harder. I guess, on the surface, nothing has changed. but in my head, there is clarity. this makes all the difference.