something new

you know, you can learn something new every day, if you let yourself.

each time i've let myself calm down and relax enough, i'm realizing the luxury of this time i have right now, i'm actually reflecting on all the stuff of the last year, and letting it absorb. i'm realizing new things about experiences i had a month ago, or even last january. all it takes is lots of time on my own, not obsessively entertaining myself with movies, tv, and books. because when i let the quiet come, the most interesting thoughts come out.

i have a job interview tomorrow, and i feel pretty good about this job. with any luck, i'll start this week!
otherwise...it's back to the drawing board. again.

august rush

I like fairytales. this movie was quite the fairy tale... it's got me dreaming again.
though i guess the dreams have never been my problem. next step is getting the guts to go out and get them.

tossing and turning

so i told kristin today that i was up late last night tossing and turning contemplating moving back to new york. do i miss theatre? yes. do i miss theatre in new york? i'm not sure. do i have the guts to get back into it? at the moment, no. but i could probably build those.

so what do i want? my dearest friends ask me this question, and more often than that, i ask myself. what do i want to do? what do i want to do next? where do i want to go? do i want to work on a cruise ship? do i want to teach english abroad? where? do i want to become an electrician's journeyman's apprentice? Where do i want to live for the rest of my life? how about the next 6 months? do i want to pursue a career serving people with disabilities? do i want to teach?

I don't know
i don't know
i don't know.

i want to prioritize. i want to figure out what i want.

i want to get the guts to finish filling out the job application for a part time job at barnes and noble. something tells me that this is an important step.


i have had lots of time on my hands. time for thinking. some might argue, too much thinking. but anyway, i've come to some conclusions. i want to get organized. yes, i need to organize the piles of books and clothes and papers that are strewn through at least 3 rooms in my parents house at the moment. but i also want to prioritize. when i do decide what i want, i'm not just going to jump on the ground and start running. i'm going to make a plan. budget. maybe i'll make a 10 year plan, get all the things i want to do into the plan in an order that makes sense and leads somewhere.
i've also realized that i need patience. i read about people who have opened an orphanage in malawi, started a farm in philadelphia, created great places that serve people in the way that i want to/need to. but i need patience, because i'm not in a place where i can do that. i need life experience and some marketable skills. i need to see something through.

which, actually, gets us back to new york. and me tossing and turning. everyone says, a year in new york is one of the hardest things you can do. if you can make it through your first year, then you've made it. so i made it through my first year. and i left. why did i leave? how could i have given up on that? i think i feel now that i need to go back and get a few more years under my belt, and prove to myself that i didn't quit because i couldn't do it, that i can do it. i need to rebuild that for myself. and maybe i can fulfill my wish to work on a cruise ship, my dream to work on a cirque de soleil tour, through working in new york. actually, that is the most direct line to both of those dreams. so maybe i was wrong when i said that my dream to live in new york is over. new york has just opened my eyes to new dreams. but i don't know how to unlock those, except through new york.
so maybe i need to go back to new york.

i see more tossing and turning in my future.