It's a good kind of sad, I think. I am going to miss these new friends and new safe spaces I've created for myself here in StL. But I feel no hurt, no betrayal. Obviously I am still feeling those past situations as I said, what, 2 days ago? But it just makes the good stuff that
much sweeter.
I always make those friends at the end, the kind that make you say, why didn't we do this sooner? I like those. Those people that still seem cool in the intriguing sort of way. So I want to hold on to this moment. I feel good about who I am and who I have been in this space. (I think I have hurt my dad in my determination to stay firmly planted in my own head, but I'm not convinced I really could have helped that.)
Remember when you were sad in that happy kind of way?
Let's smile about it a little bit together.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Saturday, March 28, 2009
saying goodbye
I've had my last day of work at both of my little jobs. Part time work at barnes and noble, and substitute personal care assistant at the smiths.
When i got home in august, i felt so completely defeated. I faild at americorps, i failed at camp. how do you fail at that, how did i fail at that? but i felt very much that i had, no matter what my friends and family said. I had this idea that i just needed to get a job, and be good at it, prove to myself that i can do well, i can be likeable and succeed.
I can confidently say that i have walked away from both places in a good way. I know they like me, respect me, appreciate my work, and will miss me.
But i wonder if this feeling of constantly proving to myself that i can succeed and i'm not a quitter... i wonder how long i will continue to feel the need to prove this to myself. I certainly feel it with this new job. I know that i will be in charge again. not completely or all the time, but there will be people who will report to me, and i want very much to prove to myself that i am not a bad leader. I don't want to be the scary bitch that everyone hates. i would rather be a minimum wage cafe server at barnes and noble for the rest of my life than feel the way that i did about myself for most of this summer.
but this was supposed to be positive! I've left this place in such a good way. I could go back to these jobs, i can get references from them. i have good memories and good friends. and the best part of this 8 month life sabbatical of mine, i feel better. i feel rested and ready to tackle the world. i have this sense that i can walk into something new without the weight of years of stress and anxiety on my shoulders. i think that's how it should be.
When i got home in august, i felt so completely defeated. I faild at americorps, i failed at camp. how do you fail at that, how did i fail at that? but i felt very much that i had, no matter what my friends and family said. I had this idea that i just needed to get a job, and be good at it, prove to myself that i can do well, i can be likeable and succeed.
I can confidently say that i have walked away from both places in a good way. I know they like me, respect me, appreciate my work, and will miss me.
But i wonder if this feeling of constantly proving to myself that i can succeed and i'm not a quitter... i wonder how long i will continue to feel the need to prove this to myself. I certainly feel it with this new job. I know that i will be in charge again. not completely or all the time, but there will be people who will report to me, and i want very much to prove to myself that i am not a bad leader. I don't want to be the scary bitch that everyone hates. i would rather be a minimum wage cafe server at barnes and noble for the rest of my life than feel the way that i did about myself for most of this summer.
but this was supposed to be positive! I've left this place in such a good way. I could go back to these jobs, i can get references from them. i have good memories and good friends. and the best part of this 8 month life sabbatical of mine, i feel better. i feel rested and ready to tackle the world. i have this sense that i can walk into something new without the weight of years of stress and anxiety on my shoulders. i think that's how it should be.
Monday, March 16, 2009
life changes
When i decided to take this trip i just returned from to Europe and the east coast, i had this sense that i was starting the ball rolling again. Ania echoed that thought when she said she saw good things coming my way soon.
I'm glad i took this time to live under a rock for a few months. Actually, it'll be 8 months total. I think i needed it. I think everybody probably needs time to just be without stress and bills and pressure to move up in the world. Now i feel actually ready to jump in and work the long hours, to find a place to live and pay all my bills and be a responsible adult. I feel ready to consider my future as an actuality instead of just imagining different directions i could go. I mean, i'm still going to imagine. But then i think i'm ready to actually jump forward and do something.
It seems to be something of a pattern for me. I think about and consider things forever, then when i finally make the decision, it feels sudden to me. I thought about theatre and non profits and different places to move and directions to go. And i always came back to moving back east and working in new york. So to have decided to move back to new jersey and work at Shakespeare Theatre of New Jersey, in a position (lighting assistant) that was offered to me year after year starting when i was a sophomore, it just seems like the right choice.
And with that simple decision, comes so many others! Now i have to find a place to live, and put the car in my name and find new car insurance and finally get rid of all teh crap here and figure out what to take with me and so on and so on.
This is my first "real" job. I guess everyone has their own definition of a real job. And i've had a lot of jobs both before and after graduating from college. But this is the first one that feels like a real, you've finished school and now you have a job kind of job. I'm nervous, worried that i don't know enough but know at the same time that i do. I feel like for the first time i'm doing something that will truly challenge me.
When i think of my time as an intern and overhire for STNJ, i remember lots of climbing around, having a great time hanging lights and making things work. I remember also that many people around me always seemed so grumpy about the job we had to do, which confused me. It still confuses me. I mean, it's not a career you go into as a fallback, why would you work in theatre if you didn't absolutely love it?
I'm nervous because i know at some point i will have people who report to me. And i'm afraid because i know what an unlikeable hardass i was at camp, and i want to be liked. I want to be respected but also liked. I think it'll be different. No one goes into an unpaid internship thinking it'll be relaxing or easy. They go in expecting to work, hopefully they'll be like i was or morgan was, and eager to work.
You know what kind of sucks? When i get out of work in the evening and wish i could talk to my friends, the ones i've been hanging out with recently... and i realize that one, it's 3 am there, and 2, i they live a million miles away.
(ania, lena, i miss you)
I'm glad i took this time to live under a rock for a few months. Actually, it'll be 8 months total. I think i needed it. I think everybody probably needs time to just be without stress and bills and pressure to move up in the world. Now i feel actually ready to jump in and work the long hours, to find a place to live and pay all my bills and be a responsible adult. I feel ready to consider my future as an actuality instead of just imagining different directions i could go. I mean, i'm still going to imagine. But then i think i'm ready to actually jump forward and do something.
It seems to be something of a pattern for me. I think about and consider things forever, then when i finally make the decision, it feels sudden to me. I thought about theatre and non profits and different places to move and directions to go. And i always came back to moving back east and working in new york. So to have decided to move back to new jersey and work at Shakespeare Theatre of New Jersey, in a position (lighting assistant) that was offered to me year after year starting when i was a sophomore, it just seems like the right choice.
And with that simple decision, comes so many others! Now i have to find a place to live, and put the car in my name and find new car insurance and finally get rid of all teh crap here and figure out what to take with me and so on and so on.
This is my first "real" job. I guess everyone has their own definition of a real job. And i've had a lot of jobs both before and after graduating from college. But this is the first one that feels like a real, you've finished school and now you have a job kind of job. I'm nervous, worried that i don't know enough but know at the same time that i do. I feel like for the first time i'm doing something that will truly challenge me.
When i think of my time as an intern and overhire for STNJ, i remember lots of climbing around, having a great time hanging lights and making things work. I remember also that many people around me always seemed so grumpy about the job we had to do, which confused me. It still confuses me. I mean, it's not a career you go into as a fallback, why would you work in theatre if you didn't absolutely love it?
I'm nervous because i know at some point i will have people who report to me. And i'm afraid because i know what an unlikeable hardass i was at camp, and i want to be liked. I want to be respected but also liked. I think it'll be different. No one goes into an unpaid internship thinking it'll be relaxing or easy. They go in expecting to work, hopefully they'll be like i was or morgan was, and eager to work.
You know what kind of sucks? When i get out of work in the evening and wish i could talk to my friends, the ones i've been hanging out with recently... and i realize that one, it's 3 am there, and 2, i they live a million miles away.
(ania, lena, i miss you)
Friday, March 6, 2009
reverse culture shock
There really ought to be a better way to explain the feelings that apparently inevitably come upon returning to native soil. Upon arriving in a foreign country, i never feel like i am shocked by the different-ness. i'm more overwhelmed, and it comes on usually quite slowly. maybe they should call it culture-whelmed.
But being back! whoa! it all just came racing back! Every minute, from the time i sat down at the gate in Berlin. Is that an American accent? Why does Newark airport suck so much? How on earth did i go from an apartment in Berlin to doing my laundry in Riker's basement in less than 12 hours?
Sometimes I think traveling by boat across the ocean was sort of the right idea. It seems so strange and so wrong that i could go from having tea in my own kitchen to navigating the public transport system in a foreign city in one day, and then from an apartment in Berlin with friends from all over the world to doing laundry and eating dinner in a Jersey town that usually feels all too familiar.
I think I will attempt to recap my trip a little later on...
For now I'll just say a few things about yesterday.
I went to Shakespeare Theatre of New Jersey to have what I guess could be called an interview. The interview portion went like this: I know how you work, I know that you're good and i can trust you, we pretty much just need you to talk to the money guy about what would be a reasonable amount of pay for you. He also said he's got another guy to interview, which i am grumping about but i suppose is pretty acceptable since i don't even know if i want to take the job yet.
So. The plan is, in the next month i will be preparing to either move back to jersey and work at STNJ, which would be a job that would continue until december. OR i will be looking into jobs teaching at a montessori school in one of the small handful of cities i hear calling my name. (ie, going west) and hopefully signing up to WWOOF and spend my summer doing that. Which do i want? I don't know. The second one sounds more exciting, and more challenging. If i was to go back to STNJ, i am determined that despite being sort of back at the starting line again, i would make it a totally new experience. It would be a position with far more responsibility than i have had with them before, and i would be able to learn a lot. It's a little scary, actually, to think of how much responsibility i would be taking on with that job, which i think is why it appeals so much. I'm so ready to be challenged again. The thing that scares me is that i feel like my brain always goes all or nothing with theatre. Or maybe that's the nature of the beast, you can't be a theatre person halfway. I always think i sound like a wannabe/hasbeen when i talk about theatre while working my lame-o job at B&N. But being in theatre brain, i have trouble wrapping my head around my other interests, like teaching and traveling and volunteering, all things that are incredibly important to me.
And on the topic of being at Drew...which wasn't at all the topic, but i was there...
How weird! It was nice, too. Nice that i hardly knew the students, but also nice that when talking to professors, there was no need for background, they are my background. I mention that i was visiting morgan, and they say, oh it's nice that you two are still in touch [after your breakup]<--that last part was silent, but it was there. And i agree! It is nice that we are still in touch after our breakup. I'm glad we're friends now.
I'll finish out this ramblefest with something I told Morgan yesterday, and Lex for that matter.
This trip to Europe? It was the best, most anxiety free and wonderfully exciting trip I have ever taken to the other side of the Atlantic. It was, I believe, a combination of good people and the right mentality on my part. As I said to Elena a few days ago, something about being with the right people makes the good times better, and makes the bad times not so bad. I want to remember every minute of this trip, because the good times were great, and the bad times passed quickly and painlessly.
And so, to Elena, Oleg, Ania, and Filip, thanks for an amazing trip. I hope i see you soon.
But being back! whoa! it all just came racing back! Every minute, from the time i sat down at the gate in Berlin. Is that an American accent? Why does Newark airport suck so much? How on earth did i go from an apartment in Berlin to doing my laundry in Riker's basement in less than 12 hours?
Sometimes I think traveling by boat across the ocean was sort of the right idea. It seems so strange and so wrong that i could go from having tea in my own kitchen to navigating the public transport system in a foreign city in one day, and then from an apartment in Berlin with friends from all over the world to doing laundry and eating dinner in a Jersey town that usually feels all too familiar.
I think I will attempt to recap my trip a little later on...
For now I'll just say a few things about yesterday.
I went to Shakespeare Theatre of New Jersey to have what I guess could be called an interview. The interview portion went like this: I know how you work, I know that you're good and i can trust you, we pretty much just need you to talk to the money guy about what would be a reasonable amount of pay for you. He also said he's got another guy to interview, which i am grumping about but i suppose is pretty acceptable since i don't even know if i want to take the job yet.
So. The plan is, in the next month i will be preparing to either move back to jersey and work at STNJ, which would be a job that would continue until december. OR i will be looking into jobs teaching at a montessori school in one of the small handful of cities i hear calling my name. (ie, going west) and hopefully signing up to WWOOF and spend my summer doing that. Which do i want? I don't know. The second one sounds more exciting, and more challenging. If i was to go back to STNJ, i am determined that despite being sort of back at the starting line again, i would make it a totally new experience. It would be a position with far more responsibility than i have had with them before, and i would be able to learn a lot. It's a little scary, actually, to think of how much responsibility i would be taking on with that job, which i think is why it appeals so much. I'm so ready to be challenged again. The thing that scares me is that i feel like my brain always goes all or nothing with theatre. Or maybe that's the nature of the beast, you can't be a theatre person halfway. I always think i sound like a wannabe/hasbeen when i talk about theatre while working my lame-o job at B&N. But being in theatre brain, i have trouble wrapping my head around my other interests, like teaching and traveling and volunteering, all things that are incredibly important to me.
And on the topic of being at Drew...which wasn't at all the topic, but i was there...
How weird! It was nice, too. Nice that i hardly knew the students, but also nice that when talking to professors, there was no need for background, they are my background. I mention that i was visiting morgan, and they say, oh it's nice that you two are still in touch [after your breakup]<--that last part was silent, but it was there. And i agree! It is nice that we are still in touch after our breakup. I'm glad we're friends now.
I'll finish out this ramblefest with something I told Morgan yesterday, and Lex for that matter.
This trip to Europe? It was the best, most anxiety free and wonderfully exciting trip I have ever taken to the other side of the Atlantic. It was, I believe, a combination of good people and the right mentality on my part. As I said to Elena a few days ago, something about being with the right people makes the good times better, and makes the bad times not so bad. I want to remember every minute of this trip, because the good times were great, and the bad times passed quickly and painlessly.
And so, to Elena, Oleg, Ania, and Filip, thanks for an amazing trip. I hope i see you soon.
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