I just read an article in bitch magazine. It was interesting and incredibly well written. The blurb at the end led me to the auther's blog, which is also interesting well written. I felt engaged and curious about topics unrelated to me that usually I would just ignore.
But the writer herself is a person I am most afraid of, so I won't be reading that blog anymore.
I don't think I have ever encountered something that so completely filled me with "I don't want to be that person" fear. Single, intelligent, even funny. Also, 40 years old, single, and having never held a meaningful job.
This is a position I had never considered for myself until recently. I have a housemate who is in his mid 40s and his aloneness overwhelms me, and on some level, (though I hate to admit it) disgusts me. But I think my disgust is like that of the homophobe who is really a closeted homosexual. Is that me? I know I am only 25 and that in any person's life, anything can happen and life can change so quickly... But I am alone. This fact is brought home to me regularly as I encounter so many of my friends paired off. And in my priority of finding a job that I can be passionate about and proud of, well I'm not doing so hot in that category either.
A lot of this fear comes from my recent life experience, which has solidified in my mind that I am an Adult. And as TV tells us, once you are an adult, life is really just one long drone. Days, months, and years run together. Once a person achieves the status of grown up, the time from 25 to 40 can happen in the blink of an eye. Right?
Goodness, I hope not. It is my greatest fear.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Coming Out in Middle School
How 13-year-old kids are dealing with their sexual identity — and how others are dealing with them.
link to article
This is the reason i no longer feel the need to carry my sexuality as a secret and a burden. 12 year olds are proudly coming out. And while i know i was too shy and not self aware and all that to be able to even know who i was at 12, i'm impressed that kids today are not afraid. So if people half my age are talking openly about their sexuality in big cities and small towns all over the country, who am i to think that my sexuality will matter to anyone other than the people i want to date.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
So here i am, once again, questioning what to do next. And what i'm doing now.
Let's review, I took this theatre job because i missed theatre, i missed the idea of it, and wondered if i really missed it. I thought, surely this place where i started out is a good place to test this.
Now here i am, a little more than halfway through and realizing either this wasn't the right place, or i in fact don't want to do this. Which is it, though?
The thing I loved so much about theatre, when i actually loved theatre, was that I was able to combine my creative side with my practical side. I could climb ladders, hang and build things, creatively problem solve, and create art in collaboration.
Well, my current job allows me to take part in all but that last part, and that's the part i think may have been essential. Maybe i need to find a good community theatre to work at in my spare time, while doing something else. (And here we get into my cycle of obsessive questioning)
I obviously don't know what i want. I want somethign different every day, and the only thing i'm certain i don't want are the things i've already done and therefor eliminated. So living with a team of teenagers is a no. a career as a barista is a no. and a lifetime as an electrician is a no.
I know that i am not alone in this search and struggle. I know that each time i figure something out it helps me further make these decisions. But what happens when i run out of things to try?
And even harder for me, scariest of all at the moment, is breaking into a new field. I feel like I have no qualifications to do anything else. Or maybe i don't even feel qualified to do what i'm doing now.
I walked around campus this morning, wondering at the uselessness of my education here. What good did it do me to have this degree with no tangible skills? Here i am, 4 years of education and 3 years of "real life" later and i feel like i am no more prepared to be an adult than i was at 18. And less even. At 18 i had the arrogance of youth to tell me i was good at things and going to be great. Now i don't even have that.
Let's review, I took this theatre job because i missed theatre, i missed the idea of it, and wondered if i really missed it. I thought, surely this place where i started out is a good place to test this.
Now here i am, a little more than halfway through and realizing either this wasn't the right place, or i in fact don't want to do this. Which is it, though?
The thing I loved so much about theatre, when i actually loved theatre, was that I was able to combine my creative side with my practical side. I could climb ladders, hang and build things, creatively problem solve, and create art in collaboration.
Well, my current job allows me to take part in all but that last part, and that's the part i think may have been essential. Maybe i need to find a good community theatre to work at in my spare time, while doing something else. (And here we get into my cycle of obsessive questioning)
I obviously don't know what i want. I want somethign different every day, and the only thing i'm certain i don't want are the things i've already done and therefor eliminated. So living with a team of teenagers is a no. a career as a barista is a no. and a lifetime as an electrician is a no.
I know that i am not alone in this search and struggle. I know that each time i figure something out it helps me further make these decisions. But what happens when i run out of things to try?
And even harder for me, scariest of all at the moment, is breaking into a new field. I feel like I have no qualifications to do anything else. Or maybe i don't even feel qualified to do what i'm doing now.
I walked around campus this morning, wondering at the uselessness of my education here. What good did it do me to have this degree with no tangible skills? Here i am, 4 years of education and 3 years of "real life" later and i feel like i am no more prepared to be an adult than i was at 18. And less even. At 18 i had the arrogance of youth to tell me i was good at things and going to be great. Now i don't even have that.
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