Every year when people on blogs and papers and tv shows try to sum up their year, i'm confused.
I have yet to have a year that was all in one phase to the point that i could sum it up at all. i could either sum up the last few months. call it phase live-with-my-parents-and-do-nothing, maybe i could lump it onto Post New York, which is a phase of about 16 months. Or maybe I could try to summarize the Post College phase, which is a rather nutso all over the place and nothing exactly accomplished 2 1/2 years.
Wow. I've been out of school 2 1/2 years?
Which leads to a thought i had earlier.
I've been home for 4 months. By the end of what is looking like my minimum time here at this point, it'll be 6 months. I am already ashamed at how little i've accomplished here.
I'm not too specific on what i want to accomplish. it can really be in any area of life. but an accomplishment worth mentioning and a decision that i don't back out on every few hours. These are my goals for my time in New York. If i can leave here with a confident decision, i think i'll walk out with my head held high. Sounds like i have a goal.
Friday, December 19, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
arianna huffington and me
Tonight i went with my mom to a lecture by arianna huffington. (it was excellent and enlightening)
she spoke about how last week she guest hosted the rachel maddow show.
so i came home and was reading the huffington post. and found the clips from her guest spot on the rachel maddow show.
then i found myself on youtube watching clips of old radio shows by maddow.
which led me to this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qnZjg-NQXeM
and this is when i say, it's ok, i'm young and impressionable.
i have a lot of conflicting opinions on a lot of things, mostly because i keep trying desperately to learn of different perspectives on different issues and be as informed as i possibly can. and whenever i find a perspective that makes a great deal of sense to me and that i agree with, i find myself jumping over to get behind it, even if it may conflict with something i've said before.
after last week when i was kicking myself for skipping the protest, i was talking to a friend, who actually went, about our conflicting feelings on the gay marriage issue. not that she and i disagreed. just that within herself, and within myself, i feel conflicty about it. because while i'm all for supporting gay rights, i've been frustrated for years at the obsession of the gay 'community' with marriage. and as my very eloquent friend voiced, it's been at the sacrifice of so many issues that are arguably more important.
and before i continue with that thought too far, i'll just connect back to that link and say, good point, rachel maddow! i myself recall being confused with the name HRC. as my dad pointed out, it could actually be a lot of things. turns out, i meant the human rights campaign. which is actually lying in its name because while it sounds like it should be fighting for equal rights for all humans, it's not. it's fighting for rights for gay people in the US. and generally, it seems mostly to be fighting just for the big ticket issues. so, marriage!
but hey look, i found my way back to my point. or my friend's point.
Actually, i find i need to step back to another beginning.
OK. Prop 8 passed. yuck. black voters were significantly against it. as were latino voters. and apparently mormons. But there has been constant complaints of both women's rights movements and gay rights movements that the fail to make efforts to reach out to or include people of color in their efforts. the taboos and visibility in these communities is almost incomparable to the white or mainstream community. if we worked on this , we'd probably get them to like us better. and fewer queer people of color would be victims of discrimination, recrimination, verbal abuse and hate crimes.
There's also the fact that there is a disproportionally high number of homeless queer youth.
Back when i was in college, contemplating writing a thesis, i actually decide what i wanted my thesis to be. but i realised that it couldnt' be an undergraduate thesis. it was something that actually required years of research and finding my way into practically invisible communities. I always wanted to write about that disproportionally high number of homeless queer youth. Where are they, what support system exists for them, and do they become homeless queer adults, or do they eventually find their way back into society? And i kept thinking, surely someone's written about this. but if they had up until 2006, it hadnt' been published in any media i could find in my multiple searches of our database, including lexisnexis (newspapers and magazines), and all sorts of peer reviewed journals.
i digress. but that's the point of a hardly read blog, now, isnt' it?
so many incomplete thoughts/ but i have to go to sleep! arianna huffington says that it's important to get a good night's sleep every night. it will make me a more successful person
she spoke about how last week she guest hosted the rachel maddow show.
so i came home and was reading the huffington post. and found the clips from her guest spot on the rachel maddow show.
then i found myself on youtube watching clips of old radio shows by maddow.
which led me to this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qnZjg-NQXeM
and this is when i say, it's ok, i'm young and impressionable.
i have a lot of conflicting opinions on a lot of things, mostly because i keep trying desperately to learn of different perspectives on different issues and be as informed as i possibly can. and whenever i find a perspective that makes a great deal of sense to me and that i agree with, i find myself jumping over to get behind it, even if it may conflict with something i've said before.
after last week when i was kicking myself for skipping the protest, i was talking to a friend, who actually went, about our conflicting feelings on the gay marriage issue. not that she and i disagreed. just that within herself, and within myself, i feel conflicty about it. because while i'm all for supporting gay rights, i've been frustrated for years at the obsession of the gay 'community' with marriage. and as my very eloquent friend voiced, it's been at the sacrifice of so many issues that are arguably more important.
and before i continue with that thought too far, i'll just connect back to that link and say, good point, rachel maddow! i myself recall being confused with the name HRC. as my dad pointed out, it could actually be a lot of things. turns out, i meant the human rights campaign. which is actually lying in its name because while it sounds like it should be fighting for equal rights for all humans, it's not. it's fighting for rights for gay people in the US. and generally, it seems mostly to be fighting just for the big ticket issues. so, marriage!
but hey look, i found my way back to my point. or my friend's point.
Actually, i find i need to step back to another beginning.
OK. Prop 8 passed. yuck. black voters were significantly against it. as were latino voters. and apparently mormons. But there has been constant complaints of both women's rights movements and gay rights movements that the fail to make efforts to reach out to or include people of color in their efforts. the taboos and visibility in these communities is almost incomparable to the white or mainstream community. if we worked on this , we'd probably get them to like us better. and fewer queer people of color would be victims of discrimination, recrimination, verbal abuse and hate crimes.
There's also the fact that there is a disproportionally high number of homeless queer youth.
Back when i was in college, contemplating writing a thesis, i actually decide what i wanted my thesis to be. but i realised that it couldnt' be an undergraduate thesis. it was something that actually required years of research and finding my way into practically invisible communities. I always wanted to write about that disproportionally high number of homeless queer youth. Where are they, what support system exists for them, and do they become homeless queer adults, or do they eventually find their way back into society? And i kept thinking, surely someone's written about this. but if they had up until 2006, it hadnt' been published in any media i could find in my multiple searches of our database, including lexisnexis (newspapers and magazines), and all sorts of peer reviewed journals.
i digress. but that's the point of a hardly read blog, now, isnt' it?
so many incomplete thoughts/ but i have to go to sleep! arianna huffington says that it's important to get a good night's sleep every night. it will make me a more successful person
Saturday, November 15, 2008
prop 8
There was a prop 8 protest in st. louis today. (technically yesterday, as it's after midnight) it was part of a nation wide protest. i found out about it lateish last night, and already had plans to go to a movie with kristin. which, to be fair, we haven't hung out in weeks and haven't been able to go see a movie in like 2 months. and kristin said it wasn't a big deal it's not like prop 8 happened here.
but i knew that was wrong. i wanted to go the the protest, i just didn't. and now, as i'm finally staying up too late and catching up on all my news from the week, i'm kicking myself even more.
here i am, always wanting to get involved, be involved, know what's going on and be aware of events. but i didn't go to this one. no, prop 8 didn't happen here. and maybe my straight friend's perspective on the issue was in part right. but coming together nationwide to say, 'hey, you finally gave us this right, and now you took it away again?' is something i would have liked to be a part of.
it would have been nice to feel a part of something, actually feel the greater community that supports my side, instead of just reading about it on blogs.
stupid me.
but to assuage my guilt at least, i just joined HRC, something i've been meaning to do for like, oh, i don't know, like 4 years?
On Prop 8: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/California_Proposition_8_(2008)
On HRC(the Human Rights Campaign. aka glbt rights org.): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_Rights_Campaign
but i knew that was wrong. i wanted to go the the protest, i just didn't. and now, as i'm finally staying up too late and catching up on all my news from the week, i'm kicking myself even more.
here i am, always wanting to get involved, be involved, know what's going on and be aware of events. but i didn't go to this one. no, prop 8 didn't happen here. and maybe my straight friend's perspective on the issue was in part right. but coming together nationwide to say, 'hey, you finally gave us this right, and now you took it away again?' is something i would have liked to be a part of.
it would have been nice to feel a part of something, actually feel the greater community that supports my side, instead of just reading about it on blogs.
stupid me.
but to assuage my guilt at least, i just joined HRC, something i've been meaning to do for like, oh, i don't know, like 4 years?
On Prop 8: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/California_Proposition_8_(2008)
On HRC(the Human Rights Campaign. aka glbt rights org.): http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_Rights_Campaign
Thursday, November 6, 2008
the time traveler's wife
i just finished this book.
it was stunning. it completely enveloped me. moreso that usual. most books i can either get into and really read for hours, or i can pick up and put down at will. this on was not so. this was a pick-it-up-now-and-you'll-be-late book. a book that should have a warning label of 'don't read before bed, you'll stay up all night'
maybe it was just me.
laura gave me the time traveler's wife for my birthday. yes. in june. she actually gave it to me in may. it takes me a while to get around to reading sometimes, ok?
it made me sad, too. really sad. it goes from confusing to fascinating/riveting to sad. and then stays that way. i'm surprised that i didn't cry, actually..
==
in other news, work was alright again today. better, i stuck to tea. we actually had a pretty great guy teaching us all the starbucks drinks. he allowed everyone to relax and get comfortable with each other, so conversation quickly got less awkward and more interesting. i'm glad for that. back to the policy drones tomorrow, though. it's ok, we're learning the baked goods. this means sampling pastries and cheesecakes and sandwiches and soups. yum.
i wish i had a job that worked outside sometimes. maybe i'll go work for habitat. or there's always that farm...
it was stunning. it completely enveloped me. moreso that usual. most books i can either get into and really read for hours, or i can pick up and put down at will. this on was not so. this was a pick-it-up-now-and-you'll-be-late book. a book that should have a warning label of 'don't read before bed, you'll stay up all night'
maybe it was just me.
laura gave me the time traveler's wife for my birthday. yes. in june. she actually gave it to me in may. it takes me a while to get around to reading sometimes, ok?
it made me sad, too. really sad. it goes from confusing to fascinating/riveting to sad. and then stays that way. i'm surprised that i didn't cry, actually..
==
in other news, work was alright again today. better, i stuck to tea. we actually had a pretty great guy teaching us all the starbucks drinks. he allowed everyone to relax and get comfortable with each other, so conversation quickly got less awkward and more interesting. i'm glad for that. back to the policy drones tomorrow, though. it's ok, we're learning the baked goods. this means sampling pastries and cheesecakes and sandwiches and soups. yum.
i wish i had a job that worked outside sometimes. maybe i'll go work for habitat. or there's always that farm...
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
obama won and i got a job
overall, a good week.i'm thrilled to see obama having won. and that electoral vote margin pretty much makes me giddy.
but i'm sad to see that in 3 states(california, arizona, florida), a ban on gay marriage was passed. and arkansas passed a scary little bill to ban all gay people and actually, all single people from adopting. WTF??in positive news on the amanda front, i got a job at barnes and noble cafe. i'm in training this week, and today i learned how to steam milk and when i've had too many espresso drinks ... it's about 2:30. note to self, don't drink coffee anymore. i was too jittery. and i didn't really like it.
tomorrow: frappucinos!
i hear that working at a bookstore cafe is kind of the perfect job for me. now, if only i didn't have to sell things, i think this would be true... but we shall see how it goes.
and last night i went to a run thru of the show i'm asst. light designing... a little thing called Romeo and Juliet, you may have heard of it? and though i'm actually not a big fan of this play generally speaking. it's overdone and rarely well done. but i have to say, this is well done. at least the acting is. i was actually genuinely blown away. i often find myself sitting in these first run throughs thinking, how much longer, this is so painful! but this one, no. i am actually looking forward to running light board on this show. theatre optimism is on the way up again in my little world. (new york, i may yet be returning)
a strange phenomenon though... with all of this working stuff i've been doing, i'm finding myself with much less time to watch and read all the news and crap i usually get into online. i feel so out of touch with the world. i keep telling myself it's good to be actually getting out there. i have been acting more and more a recluse.
it is strange though. i haven't finished a book in like 4 days. i'm actually still working on 2 of the books i was reading last week. i had to renew!
and i haven't had my designated kristin time.
but i did get to talk to kathleen last night, which was really nice.
one thing about working at barnes and noble... turns out, i'm still in missouri. most of the people working in the store have never lived outside of missouri, most of the rest never outside of the midwest. i am trying to control my thoughts and hold my tongue against the idea that this is something against them. mostly, i need to remind myself that i am not too good for this job. yes, it's true, it's not really aiding in my goal of saving the world. but maybe i'll be inspired. or meet the person who will ultimately tell me what it is i'm supposed to be doing with my life. (and confirm that it does not include an office)
but what i actually meant to say before i started sounding like an asshole there is that i have met some interesting people and had some interesting conversations. i hope to have more.
my thoughts are a bit scattered... can you tell? time for bed! more starbucks training and overcaffeination tomorrow.
Friday, October 17, 2008
self-examination in the form of late night musings. or, from my written journal
I'm afraid of time slipping by.
I'm afraid while i sit at home today thinking of what I'm going to do tomorrow, the world is passing me by.
I'm a always afraid to commit to any one thing. Afraid that in doing so i will miss out on where i am supposed to be and what i'm destined to do.
But i'm getting sick of that perspective in myself. i think we make our own destiny. i think that i am well past my time of sitting by and doing nothing, waiting for inspiration to come upon me
Life is a journey and we make our own destiny. so, self, stop worrying about missing out. go forward full throttle, and trust yourself to make the choices that will lead you where you were meant to be.
I'm afraid while i sit at home today thinking of what I'm going to do tomorrow, the world is passing me by.
I'm a always afraid to commit to any one thing. Afraid that in doing so i will miss out on where i am supposed to be and what i'm destined to do.
But i'm getting sick of that perspective in myself. i think we make our own destiny. i think that i am well past my time of sitting by and doing nothing, waiting for inspiration to come upon me
Life is a journey and we make our own destiny. so, self, stop worrying about missing out. go forward full throttle, and trust yourself to make the choices that will lead you where you were meant to be.
*(this portion of inspiration came from watching
Alix Olson's Left Lane documentary)
That being said, and continuing with the belief that in each choice i make i am shaping my own destiny, i am glad to be here. i am glad to ahve the chacne to take this time to step aside for a moment and breathe. I belive more and more each day that i am home that these weeks of peace and respite are doing me good.
I have noticed in myself a tendency to basically live up to others' expectations of me. so no matter what impression i give the community i live in, i am able to give them more and more proof that i am that great person they think i am, or more and more ammo to use against me. (recently, it's more of the latter)
I feair that i either come on too strong or that i am so mild in temper and manner tha ti make no impression at all.
What i want more than anything in my next destination and phase in life is to step between those two extremes to some sort of happy medium. but i don't know how to do this. because i have discovered in self examination that both come from the same place: shyness. Or to really break it down, Fear. I am afraid of people. Afraid of being not enough or too much . Afraid of just going on with the system and getting lost in the tide, afraid that with the sound of my own voice i may be drowning out my messsage.
so where do i go from here? I find myself asking the same question I asked 10 years ago. How do i become who i want to be? or if i am trusting that since i am past my formative years it is somwhere inside me already, how do I let it out? How do i speak with the voice that lets my words be heard?
The trap i seem to get caught in most often is that of Tone. And with observation and contemplation of myself and others, i realise that i am not alone in this struggle.
I also realise that the people on this path with me are not outgoing. We aer introverts. We are not people-persons. I love people, both individuals and humanity. But i feel most of the time like there is a pane of glass between me and the world. It acts as a filter, an I try to break it down. but when i do, it goes all wrong. the filter, like one on a stage light, sems to allow people to see me in a softer glwo, more the way i want to be seen. break it down, the light is harsh and blinding. leave it up, and i'm easy to dismiss.
So i guess what i need to do is figure out how to change the filter. good job, self, using that lovely theatre analogy. but how do i do that?
Alix Olson's Left Lane documentary)
That being said, and continuing with the belief that in each choice i make i am shaping my own destiny, i am glad to be here. i am glad to ahve the chacne to take this time to step aside for a moment and breathe. I belive more and more each day that i am home that these weeks of peace and respite are doing me good.
I have noticed in myself a tendency to basically live up to others' expectations of me. so no matter what impression i give the community i live in, i am able to give them more and more proof that i am that great person they think i am, or more and more ammo to use against me. (recently, it's more of the latter)
I feair that i either come on too strong or that i am so mild in temper and manner tha ti make no impression at all.
What i want more than anything in my next destination and phase in life is to step between those two extremes to some sort of happy medium. but i don't know how to do this. because i have discovered in self examination that both come from the same place: shyness. Or to really break it down, Fear. I am afraid of people. Afraid of being not enough or too much . Afraid of just going on with the system and getting lost in the tide, afraid that with the sound of my own voice i may be drowning out my messsage.
so where do i go from here? I find myself asking the same question I asked 10 years ago. How do i become who i want to be? or if i am trusting that since i am past my formative years it is somwhere inside me already, how do I let it out? How do i speak with the voice that lets my words be heard?
The trap i seem to get caught in most often is that of Tone. And with observation and contemplation of myself and others, i realise that i am not alone in this struggle.
I also realise that the people on this path with me are not outgoing. We aer introverts. We are not people-persons. I love people, both individuals and humanity. But i feel most of the time like there is a pane of glass between me and the world. It acts as a filter, an I try to break it down. but when i do, it goes all wrong. the filter, like one on a stage light, sems to allow people to see me in a softer glwo, more the way i want to be seen. break it down, the light is harsh and blinding. leave it up, and i'm easy to dismiss.
So i guess what i need to do is figure out how to change the filter. good job, self, using that lovely theatre analogy. but how do i do that?
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
now what do i do?
Yesterday, I woke up rested after a family vacation, with a purpose: call the hr dept and find out when i start this job.
But the response wasn't what i expected. Turns out this company has some serious miscommunication issues and the dept i'd be working for told me i was hired, while the hr dept hired someone else. so they don't need me. i'm jobless again. or still.
as you might guess, i was disappointed yesterday. but my mom was home from work, so we hung out, and the day passed, it was fine.
but today, i woke up and i thought, now what do i do? do i continue to look for a job i won't care about in a city i know i don't want to live in? do i get by with the few small opportunities i have succeeded in getting and just pass the time jobless? start volunteering, that kind of thing? or do i just say fuck it to everything and this whole city, and start my journey to somewhere new? and if i do that, where do i go? i'm leaning heavier and heavier towards new york. i've got the plan all worked out if i go there. but then, i had a plan all worked out for here, too, and it's not really working out.
i don't know. i'm stuck, jobless, and everyone keeps saying the economy sucks, and unfortunately i'm just feeling the effects of that. but i'm really not that picky. i just want A job. i'm not particular, really.
ugh ugh UGH
But the response wasn't what i expected. Turns out this company has some serious miscommunication issues and the dept i'd be working for told me i was hired, while the hr dept hired someone else. so they don't need me. i'm jobless again. or still.
as you might guess, i was disappointed yesterday. but my mom was home from work, so we hung out, and the day passed, it was fine.
but today, i woke up and i thought, now what do i do? do i continue to look for a job i won't care about in a city i know i don't want to live in? do i get by with the few small opportunities i have succeeded in getting and just pass the time jobless? start volunteering, that kind of thing? or do i just say fuck it to everything and this whole city, and start my journey to somewhere new? and if i do that, where do i go? i'm leaning heavier and heavier towards new york. i've got the plan all worked out if i go there. but then, i had a plan all worked out for here, too, and it's not really working out.
i don't know. i'm stuck, jobless, and everyone keeps saying the economy sucks, and unfortunately i'm just feeling the effects of that. but i'm really not that picky. i just want A job. i'm not particular, really.
ugh ugh UGH
Sunday, September 14, 2008
something new
you know, you can learn something new every day, if you let yourself.
each time i've let myself calm down and relax enough, i'm realizing the luxury of this time i have right now, i'm actually reflecting on all the stuff of the last year, and letting it absorb. i'm realizing new things about experiences i had a month ago, or even last january. all it takes is lots of time on my own, not obsessively entertaining myself with movies, tv, and books. because when i let the quiet come, the most interesting thoughts come out.
i have a job interview tomorrow, and i feel pretty good about this job. with any luck, i'll start this week!
otherwise...it's back to the drawing board. again.
each time i've let myself calm down and relax enough, i'm realizing the luxury of this time i have right now, i'm actually reflecting on all the stuff of the last year, and letting it absorb. i'm realizing new things about experiences i had a month ago, or even last january. all it takes is lots of time on my own, not obsessively entertaining myself with movies, tv, and books. because when i let the quiet come, the most interesting thoughts come out.
i have a job interview tomorrow, and i feel pretty good about this job. with any luck, i'll start this week!
otherwise...it's back to the drawing board. again.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
august rush
I like fairytales. this movie was quite the fairy tale... it's got me dreaming again.
though i guess the dreams have never been my problem. next step is getting the guts to go out and get them.
though i guess the dreams have never been my problem. next step is getting the guts to go out and get them.
Monday, September 1, 2008
tossing and turning
so i told kristin today that i was up late last night tossing and turning contemplating moving back to new york. do i miss theatre? yes. do i miss theatre in new york? i'm not sure. do i have the guts to get back into it? at the moment, no. but i could probably build those.
so what do i want? my dearest friends ask me this question, and more often than that, i ask myself. what do i want to do? what do i want to do next? where do i want to go? do i want to work on a cruise ship? do i want to teach english abroad? where? do i want to become an electrician's journeyman's apprentice? Where do i want to live for the rest of my life? how about the next 6 months? do i want to pursue a career serving people with disabilities? do i want to teach?
I don't know
i don't know
i don't know.
i want to prioritize. i want to figure out what i want.
i want to get the guts to finish filling out the job application for a part time job at barnes and noble. something tells me that this is an important step.
i have had lots of time on my hands. time for thinking. some might argue, too much thinking. but anyway, i've come to some conclusions. i want to get organized. yes, i need to organize the piles of books and clothes and papers that are strewn through at least 3 rooms in my parents house at the moment. but i also want to prioritize. when i do decide what i want, i'm not just going to jump on the ground and start running. i'm going to make a plan. budget. maybe i'll make a 10 year plan, get all the things i want to do into the plan in an order that makes sense and leads somewhere.
i've also realized that i need patience. i read about people who have opened an orphanage in malawi, started a farm in philadelphia, created great places that serve people in the way that i want to/need to. but i need patience, because i'm not in a place where i can do that. i need life experience and some marketable skills. i need to see something through.
which, actually, gets us back to new york. and me tossing and turning. everyone says, a year in new york is one of the hardest things you can do. if you can make it through your first year, then you've made it. so i made it through my first year. and i left. why did i leave? how could i have given up on that? i think i feel now that i need to go back and get a few more years under my belt, and prove to myself that i didn't quit because i couldn't do it, that i can do it. i need to rebuild that for myself. and maybe i can fulfill my wish to work on a cruise ship, my dream to work on a cirque de soleil tour, through working in new york. actually, that is the most direct line to both of those dreams. so maybe i was wrong when i said that my dream to live in new york is over. new york has just opened my eyes to new dreams. but i don't know how to unlock those, except through new york.
so maybe i need to go back to new york.
i see more tossing and turning in my future.
so what do i want? my dearest friends ask me this question, and more often than that, i ask myself. what do i want to do? what do i want to do next? where do i want to go? do i want to work on a cruise ship? do i want to teach english abroad? where? do i want to become an electrician's journeyman's apprentice? Where do i want to live for the rest of my life? how about the next 6 months? do i want to pursue a career serving people with disabilities? do i want to teach?
I don't know
i don't know
i don't know.
i want to prioritize. i want to figure out what i want.
i want to get the guts to finish filling out the job application for a part time job at barnes and noble. something tells me that this is an important step.
i have had lots of time on my hands. time for thinking. some might argue, too much thinking. but anyway, i've come to some conclusions. i want to get organized. yes, i need to organize the piles of books and clothes and papers that are strewn through at least 3 rooms in my parents house at the moment. but i also want to prioritize. when i do decide what i want, i'm not just going to jump on the ground and start running. i'm going to make a plan. budget. maybe i'll make a 10 year plan, get all the things i want to do into the plan in an order that makes sense and leads somewhere.
i've also realized that i need patience. i read about people who have opened an orphanage in malawi, started a farm in philadelphia, created great places that serve people in the way that i want to/need to. but i need patience, because i'm not in a place where i can do that. i need life experience and some marketable skills. i need to see something through.
which, actually, gets us back to new york. and me tossing and turning. everyone says, a year in new york is one of the hardest things you can do. if you can make it through your first year, then you've made it. so i made it through my first year. and i left. why did i leave? how could i have given up on that? i think i feel now that i need to go back and get a few more years under my belt, and prove to myself that i didn't quit because i couldn't do it, that i can do it. i need to rebuild that for myself. and maybe i can fulfill my wish to work on a cruise ship, my dream to work on a cirque de soleil tour, through working in new york. actually, that is the most direct line to both of those dreams. so maybe i was wrong when i said that my dream to live in new york is over. new york has just opened my eyes to new dreams. but i don't know how to unlock those, except through new york.
so maybe i need to go back to new york.
i see more tossing and turning in my future.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
getting there
I've noticed a marked change in myself over the last few days. I can finally feel myself starting to calm down. It's like i'm slowly crawling out of a hole in the ground that i dug myself into for the last week. or few.
I spent all day yesterday reading. I read Twilight, that new all the rage teen girly book, in one day. I had sort of intended it to be a 2 day thing, but ended up just staying up til 3:30 to finish it.
I woke up today with energy, and no idea what i was going to do with my day. It's the first time that's happened. I actually want to do something, to leave the house and be productive. So it's a good sign, i'm going to apply for a few jobs today, i already applied to volunteer a couple places, and i think it'll be a good day.
I was thinking this morning about wanting to teach english abroad. I still very much want to do that, and i'm not at all sure where i want to go. I guess i'm looking for suggestions.
I spent all day yesterday reading. I read Twilight, that new all the rage teen girly book, in one day. I had sort of intended it to be a 2 day thing, but ended up just staying up til 3:30 to finish it.
I woke up today with energy, and no idea what i was going to do with my day. It's the first time that's happened. I actually want to do something, to leave the house and be productive. So it's a good sign, i'm going to apply for a few jobs today, i already applied to volunteer a couple places, and i think it'll be a good day.
I was thinking this morning about wanting to teach english abroad. I still very much want to do that, and i'm not at all sure where i want to go. I guess i'm looking for suggestions.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
overwhelmed
when i was in americorps, i found myself overwhelmed by all the new things to adjust to in each project. there was never time to fully adjust, you just had to deal with it while you did it. i found myself out of sorts for 2 or 3 days in each new location, as we dove straight into work and life in a new place.
but i must have gotten used to that mentality, because since i left the program, i've thrown myself from thing to thing with little chance to catch up.
so now i'm home, and it's all starting to absorb. i'm finally trying to give myself the time i need. give myself a chance to just curl up with a memory and let it be there for a while. be in that moment, remember the weather and the streets and the colors on the trees and who i was with and how i was feeling that day... it feels right to take the time.
but i must have gotten used to that mentality, because since i left the program, i've thrown myself from thing to thing with little chance to catch up.
so now i'm home, and it's all starting to absorb. i'm finally trying to give myself the time i need. give myself a chance to just curl up with a memory and let it be there for a while. be in that moment, remember the weather and the streets and the colors on the trees and who i was with and how i was feeling that day... it feels right to take the time.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
in constant motion
It is August 19th. i have been gone from camp for 2 weeks and 2 days. i have visited lesley and jack and abby and lex and britt and sean and kateri and morgan and laura and kristin. i have said goodbye to my most recent love, and continued to struggle with long distance communications.
i have spent surprisingly little time on my own, for the amount i've traveled and ostensibly been travelling on my own.
i'm worn out. my patience is worn thin with everything and everyone around me. i think it's a miracle that people are still talking to me at this point, because i feel like i've gone completely crazy.
i intended to go home and hit the ground running. i wanted to go begin being an efficient and productive member of society from the minute i get home.
...but i don't think that's going to work.
i think i need some time. some time to really just be, by myself and with my family, and get back to myself. for all that i've invited every one of my friends to live with me, visit me, crash with me, i think i might just need to be on my own for a little while.
i'm looking forward to going home. to playing with my dogs, to watching tv with my mom, to helping my dad repaint the family room.
i keep thinking and telling myself that everything will make sense when i get home. that everything will work out when i get home. that i'll find all the stuff i've lost in the abyss of my messy chaotic 2-week-road-trip-with-everything-i-own car. i think that my dad was right. when things weren't working out with my lodge at camp, when tensions were high and i was handling it all wrong, he suggested that the troubles at camp weren't unrelated to the troubles in americorps, perhaps i never recovered from one before beginning the next.
so despite my instinct to not live alone, despite my desire to want to be in those intense situations with my peers and have the live-in insanity of a camp or americorps nccc experience, it's time for me to do this.
so, now that i've convinced myself one more time that it's alright that i'm going home, i'm ready to go. i am supposed to spend one more day relaxing on the beach before i go. but is it awful that i don't want to? i don't feel like i can relax just now. my urge to move and get to that final destination is itching in me so bad, i can hardly sit in this chair.
so i'm going to get moving, and packing, and get on the road before i lose something else.
i have spent surprisingly little time on my own, for the amount i've traveled and ostensibly been travelling on my own.
i'm worn out. my patience is worn thin with everything and everyone around me. i think it's a miracle that people are still talking to me at this point, because i feel like i've gone completely crazy.
i intended to go home and hit the ground running. i wanted to go begin being an efficient and productive member of society from the minute i get home.
...but i don't think that's going to work.
i think i need some time. some time to really just be, by myself and with my family, and get back to myself. for all that i've invited every one of my friends to live with me, visit me, crash with me, i think i might just need to be on my own for a little while.
i'm looking forward to going home. to playing with my dogs, to watching tv with my mom, to helping my dad repaint the family room.
i keep thinking and telling myself that everything will make sense when i get home. that everything will work out when i get home. that i'll find all the stuff i've lost in the abyss of my messy chaotic 2-week-road-trip-with-everything-i-own car. i think that my dad was right. when things weren't working out with my lodge at camp, when tensions were high and i was handling it all wrong, he suggested that the troubles at camp weren't unrelated to the troubles in americorps, perhaps i never recovered from one before beginning the next.
so despite my instinct to not live alone, despite my desire to want to be in those intense situations with my peers and have the live-in insanity of a camp or americorps nccc experience, it's time for me to do this.
so, now that i've convinced myself one more time that it's alright that i'm going home, i'm ready to go. i am supposed to spend one more day relaxing on the beach before i go. but is it awful that i don't want to? i don't feel like i can relax just now. my urge to move and get to that final destination is itching in me so bad, i can hardly sit in this chair.
so i'm going to get moving, and packing, and get on the road before i lose something else.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
it's about me
click on the image to make it bigger or just go to the comic page here:
http://questionablecontent.net/comics/1203.png
in a daze
I feel a disconnect with my life right now. people keep asking, are you alright? and i say immediately, yes! i'm fine!
but i'm starting to realize that i'm walking around in a cloud. like i'm on my own in a bubble away from the world. i'm not sure what i'm doing, and i'm having trouble getting moving because i can't really believe that i'm here.
i don't do well with change. not a good thing for someone who likes changing everything as much as i do. but i need time to adjust to it. and when the change is something that others control instead of being my decision, i get more lost.
so now, i'm on my own. not that that's a bad thing, i'm pretty good at being on my own. but after riding the wave of camp, and then mike and i riding together after getting kicked off camp... it's always easier with someone else.
i'm on my own now, and i've done very little. and somehow i've woken up today more dazed than any day before.
i know that i need to get moving. i need to get my shit together, leave my aunt's house. i need to drive to the city and meet my friends for dinner and lword.
but it sure is nice to spend all day sat on the couch on the computer talking to friends and not being particularly productive.
but now i'm going to get moving. time to travel a long way and find my way home again.
but i'm starting to realize that i'm walking around in a cloud. like i'm on my own in a bubble away from the world. i'm not sure what i'm doing, and i'm having trouble getting moving because i can't really believe that i'm here.
i don't do well with change. not a good thing for someone who likes changing everything as much as i do. but i need time to adjust to it. and when the change is something that others control instead of being my decision, i get more lost.
so now, i'm on my own. not that that's a bad thing, i'm pretty good at being on my own. but after riding the wave of camp, and then mike and i riding together after getting kicked off camp... it's always easier with someone else.
i'm on my own now, and i've done very little. and somehow i've woken up today more dazed than any day before.
i know that i need to get moving. i need to get my shit together, leave my aunt's house. i need to drive to the city and meet my friends for dinner and lword.
but it sure is nice to spend all day sat on the couch on the computer talking to friends and not being particularly productive.
but now i'm going to get moving. time to travel a long way and find my way home again.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
a strange summer
in the last 6 weeks, or 3 sessions at camp, so much has happened that i can't begin to even comprehend enough to summarize it right now.
but the last 4 days had such a series of bizarre events, i have to tell you where i'm at right now. if you know me at all, you'll probably be as shocked as i am at my current place.
4 days ago i had a fight with one of the counselors in my lodge. then i cried most of the rest of the day. 3 days ago i had confrontation with 2 other counselors in my lodge, and went to the director of the camp to ask if i could leave the lodge because it had become clear that things weren't working for me in there. i asked to move to maintenance, he said yes.
2 days ago, my friend mike got into it again with his lodge leader, and then quit.
yesterday, i was asked to leave camp.
and if i had to summarize the reasons the director gave me for asking me to leave, it would basically boil down to the fact that i was unhappy.
so now i'm in a little in in tannersville, ny with mike, trying to process everything that's happened and wrap my head around what to do next with my life.
sounds like i'm going to make my way home to st. louis again. i might want to visit a few people before i leave the east coast. if you want to be in on that, let me know.
love to all
Saturday, June 28, 2008
It has begun
The first session of camp at Harriman Lodge is in full swing. And fully crazy. I'm not sure how this works, but somehow all of the time i spent volunteering my time and serving my community this year made me less compassionate and less patient with the guests of Harriman Lodge.
So it's been something of a refresher course. I'm sure it's going to get better. I'll get better. I'll fall back into it more as the days go on. I'm getting impatient with the staff, wishing they'd get it earlier. I guess it's the same way i've felt in situations when i had to train a second or third round of people to do something.
Liya, my crazy Russian, has finally arrived. So, for me, the summer has finally begun. Whatever else happens, I'm ready for it. I miss the rest of the support system i had built last year, the friendships, connections, and fellow adventure seekers. But i'm trying my best to be patient and let things work themselves out. I've been trying to not force friendships with anyone, just be as nice to everyone as i can. No serious connections yet. But i remember, my first year, it didn't happen like that. So i'll wait.
Does anyone still read this thing, now that i've jumped ship from americorps?
So it's been something of a refresher course. I'm sure it's going to get better. I'll get better. I'll fall back into it more as the days go on. I'm getting impatient with the staff, wishing they'd get it earlier. I guess it's the same way i've felt in situations when i had to train a second or third round of people to do something.
Liya, my crazy Russian, has finally arrived. So, for me, the summer has finally begun. Whatever else happens, I'm ready for it. I miss the rest of the support system i had built last year, the friendships, connections, and fellow adventure seekers. But i'm trying my best to be patient and let things work themselves out. I've been trying to not force friendships with anyone, just be as nice to everyone as i can. No serious connections yet. But i remember, my first year, it didn't happen like that. So i'll wait.
Does anyone still read this thing, now that i've jumped ship from americorps?
Tuesday, June 10, 2008
time to put the dock in
Today we did one of my favorite things to do on camp. or at least, my favorite part of being here before camp starts. We put the dock in!
We have this metal dock, and each summer we put it in as soon as there are enough people on camp to move it. and each year, before everyone leaves in september, we take it out again.
I love putting the dock in. It's such a simple task, but i love it. I like it even when it's freezing out and no one wants to go in the water. I always volunteer to go on the deep end, the heavy side. The guys always say "are you sure you can do that?" or "look how strong amanda is" or "why are the boys too lazy to come do this part." Of course, they don't realize that i do it because i love going into the water. It's one of only a handful of times that we're oked to go into the lake at all, because we aren't insured to swim in it. Everyone comes together and it only takes 10 minutes, even though there's about half an hour of waiting for everyone to show up, and 3 days of talking about it before it happens.
What a perfect camp event!
Today, it was hot and sticky and perfect weather for jumping in the lake. We would all have loved actually going for a swim.
I realized tonight as i was walking through a darkened corridor in one of the buildings that this place is probably the only place i'm never afraid. i never hesitate to walk anywhere in the dark, i never fear what may come out of the shadows. And i hope i never will be.
I keep thinking on the fact that i know this is my last year here. and if it isn't, it really should be. i've come to a time that i need to stop quitting jobs to come back to camp. so, seeing as it's probably my last year, i'm going to make the most of it. I'm going to try to make it as positive an experience as possible for myself and everyone that i work with.
I may need to be reminded of this goal later on in the summer, as things get stressful and people make me upset, but i want so much for it to be true, i hope that it will be.
We have this metal dock, and each summer we put it in as soon as there are enough people on camp to move it. and each year, before everyone leaves in september, we take it out again.
I love putting the dock in. It's such a simple task, but i love it. I like it even when it's freezing out and no one wants to go in the water. I always volunteer to go on the deep end, the heavy side. The guys always say "are you sure you can do that?" or "look how strong amanda is" or "why are the boys too lazy to come do this part." Of course, they don't realize that i do it because i love going into the water. It's one of only a handful of times that we're oked to go into the lake at all, because we aren't insured to swim in it. Everyone comes together and it only takes 10 minutes, even though there's about half an hour of waiting for everyone to show up, and 3 days of talking about it before it happens.
What a perfect camp event!
Today, it was hot and sticky and perfect weather for jumping in the lake. We would all have loved actually going for a swim.
I realized tonight as i was walking through a darkened corridor in one of the buildings that this place is probably the only place i'm never afraid. i never hesitate to walk anywhere in the dark, i never fear what may come out of the shadows. And i hope i never will be.
I keep thinking on the fact that i know this is my last year here. and if it isn't, it really should be. i've come to a time that i need to stop quitting jobs to come back to camp. so, seeing as it's probably my last year, i'm going to make the most of it. I'm going to try to make it as positive an experience as possible for myself and everyone that i work with.
I may need to be reminded of this goal later on in the summer, as things get stressful and people make me upset, but i want so much for it to be true, i hope that it will be.
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
spinning out of orbit
i'm leaving st. louis. already. i feel like i've hardly been here. i worked so hard to fully appreciate everything and everyone and take everything in fully. But i suppose, since i was only here a week, i really have hardly been here.
the things that struck me the most this time, and in the most positive way, was the consistencies. i've felt like my life is in chaos. and i kind of like it, but i need to ground somewhere, and looking to my home feels like the right place.
i found myself appreciating things like the grocery list always being in the same place. and the calendar where the stuff that's happening hangs on the fridge. the tea and sugar and hot chocolate haven't moved. i still know where everything is, and it's always been there. my parents say i come by my disorganisation honestly, they have the same traits. but how do i overcome them? i'd like to always know where my papers are, because i've always put them back in the same place. i'd like to be able to find a dvd easily because it's where it goes, instead of running in circles rummaging through everything i have, like i've been doing for the last hour.
how do i organize my own chaos? i've been trying. i've been sorting through things and getting rid of old crap. i've emptied my desk entirely of the years of notebooks and vocab cards and pens and all the other shit that builds up. i've gotten rid of all the shoes that i've kept only because no one's made me throw them away, and i'm going to get rid of my prom dresses.
i think i'd like to come back here, clean this room out entirely. i'd like to be able to look at my room and not see a pile of boxes containing my college life and my post college life as they clutter the chaos of my high school life. i'd like to look instead and see the things i value, the books, the pictures. the sentimentally valued things.
so i'm leaving in the morning. and i hardly feel like i've been here at all.
i felt, when kristin was here earlier, it was like she'd always been, and i'd always been, and we were hanging out, not for the last time for months or longer, but for just another time. and as much as i tried to tell myself, this is a bigger goodbye, i just said goodbye like i'd see her tomorrow, same as i always do.
my brother came to visit while i was here, and it felt like we ought to have some major celebration for his presence, but it was nothing out of the ordinary, it seemed. the strange part has been him not here. him here, at home, and me here at home is the most natural thing.
it's funny, i know, that the girl who's spent so long running away from everything is sitting here reminiscing and grasping at the straws of past times. i'm trying to find my roots again.
time for a cliche? i suppose... the stronger the root system the higher a tree can grow.
i can't even say a cliche eloquently. not my day.
so tomorrow night, chicago.
the things that struck me the most this time, and in the most positive way, was the consistencies. i've felt like my life is in chaos. and i kind of like it, but i need to ground somewhere, and looking to my home feels like the right place.
i found myself appreciating things like the grocery list always being in the same place. and the calendar where the stuff that's happening hangs on the fridge. the tea and sugar and hot chocolate haven't moved. i still know where everything is, and it's always been there. my parents say i come by my disorganisation honestly, they have the same traits. but how do i overcome them? i'd like to always know where my papers are, because i've always put them back in the same place. i'd like to be able to find a dvd easily because it's where it goes, instead of running in circles rummaging through everything i have, like i've been doing for the last hour.
how do i organize my own chaos? i've been trying. i've been sorting through things and getting rid of old crap. i've emptied my desk entirely of the years of notebooks and vocab cards and pens and all the other shit that builds up. i've gotten rid of all the shoes that i've kept only because no one's made me throw them away, and i'm going to get rid of my prom dresses.
i think i'd like to come back here, clean this room out entirely. i'd like to be able to look at my room and not see a pile of boxes containing my college life and my post college life as they clutter the chaos of my high school life. i'd like to look instead and see the things i value, the books, the pictures. the sentimentally valued things.
so i'm leaving in the morning. and i hardly feel like i've been here at all.
i felt, when kristin was here earlier, it was like she'd always been, and i'd always been, and we were hanging out, not for the last time for months or longer, but for just another time. and as much as i tried to tell myself, this is a bigger goodbye, i just said goodbye like i'd see her tomorrow, same as i always do.
my brother came to visit while i was here, and it felt like we ought to have some major celebration for his presence, but it was nothing out of the ordinary, it seemed. the strange part has been him not here. him here, at home, and me here at home is the most natural thing.
it's funny, i know, that the girl who's spent so long running away from everything is sitting here reminiscing and grasping at the straws of past times. i'm trying to find my roots again.
time for a cliche? i suppose... the stronger the root system the higher a tree can grow.
i can't even say a cliche eloquently. not my day.
so tomorrow night, chicago.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
stay....here??
Each time i talk to kristin, she tells me how great it would be if i just stayed here in st. louis. and every time, i say, no! i don't want to move back to st. louis. but here I am, 3 days at home, and thinking...maybe... maybe i could live here. i like it right now. i think about moving back to new york, and there's so much anxiety in that. do i want to do that? i'm not sure. staying here would be easier. i know i could find a job. i could think about going back to school. i could get ready to go on trips and adventures abroad.
and then i think, what are you doing? i was never going to stay here! i was never going to come back here. but then, i don't hate it like i used to. there's a lot of great things in this city, maybe it'd be ok to live here for a little while? til i get tired of hiding and want to bust out on my own again?
we'll see. but i don't hate the idea.
and then i think, what are you doing? i was never going to stay here! i was never going to come back here. but then, i don't hate it like i used to. there's a lot of great things in this city, maybe it'd be ok to live here for a little while? til i get tired of hiding and want to bust out on my own again?
we'll see. but i don't hate the idea.
Friday, May 30, 2008
in a year's time
So much can happen in a year's time. And so much has happened! My Americorps adventure is over now. I talked to Addie and Jenn last night. Sweet Addie called me to see how home was and tell me she missed me. I do miss my team.
I know that the 2 breaks i had during americorps, i didn't hesitate to blow off any connection i may have had with my teammates, and sort of happiness i had in this program. i was just happy to be home, with my friends and family. But now that it's really over, and the people i lived and worked with so closely for the last 8 months might easily end up among the ranks of those close friends that fall by the wayside as life moves on, i find myself feeling much more attached to those people. They were my friends and my family and my coworkers and my teammates. I trust that there are at least 3 among their ranks that i will see again. And another 3 or 4 i'd very much like to see again. I can say with confidence that i will now have a place to crash in each corner of the country.
I remember a couple years ago, expressing a sentiment of wondering. I commented that the people i know now have made such an impact on my life, and how many people i will meet that i don't yet know who will have an even greater impact on me.
And how many there have been!
I'm excited to move on. I don't feel trapped into a path whose direction i don't like anymore. I feel once again like i have the freedom to go anywhere and do anything. But unlike before, it doesn't feel like a burden anymore, it simply feels like the freedom it is. I'm so lucky! I'm nearly 24, with a college degree, energy, and experience and a desire to experience life to the fullest. How many places i can go with that!!
So yes, i'm glad that Americorps is over, at least for me. There may be consequences later on for this decision, but I can say with a lot of confidence, this was the right decision for me right now.
I know that the 2 breaks i had during americorps, i didn't hesitate to blow off any connection i may have had with my teammates, and sort of happiness i had in this program. i was just happy to be home, with my friends and family. But now that it's really over, and the people i lived and worked with so closely for the last 8 months might easily end up among the ranks of those close friends that fall by the wayside as life moves on, i find myself feeling much more attached to those people. They were my friends and my family and my coworkers and my teammates. I trust that there are at least 3 among their ranks that i will see again. And another 3 or 4 i'd very much like to see again. I can say with confidence that i will now have a place to crash in each corner of the country.
I remember a couple years ago, expressing a sentiment of wondering. I commented that the people i know now have made such an impact on my life, and how many people i will meet that i don't yet know who will have an even greater impact on me.
And how many there have been!
I'm excited to move on. I don't feel trapped into a path whose direction i don't like anymore. I feel once again like i have the freedom to go anywhere and do anything. But unlike before, it doesn't feel like a burden anymore, it simply feels like the freedom it is. I'm so lucky! I'm nearly 24, with a college degree, energy, and experience and a desire to experience life to the fullest. How many places i can go with that!!
So yes, i'm glad that Americorps is over, at least for me. There may be consequences later on for this decision, but I can say with a lot of confidence, this was the right decision for me right now.
Thursday, May 29, 2008
a lot has happened
So it's been 3 weeks since i updated. and it's probably an understatement to say a lot has happened in that time.
The short version is this:
I quit Americorps, and i'm back home in st. louis. I am going back to camp this summer. my camp in new york.
i'll explain more later. now i'm going to go buy tickets to tonight's cards game.
The short version is this:
I quit Americorps, and i'm back home in st. louis. I am going back to camp this summer. my camp in new york.
i'll explain more later. now i'm going to go buy tickets to tonight's cards game.
Monday, May 5, 2008
another weekend gone
Look at me updating my blog regularly!
It's monday, i'm back at school. yesterday and this morning, about half the members of my team said at one point or another, 'i don't want to go to school today...'
but here we are.
it was a great weekend. we spent saturday at jazz fest, saw the roots and diana krall and this fun zydeco band after my shift of tshirt selling. I had originally wanted to stay and see jazz fest sunday as well, especially after a friend offered me a free ticket. but my team wasn't staying, and by the end of the day saturday, i was glad to be going back to biloxi for a day of relaxing.
yesterday was definitely relaxing! we spent the whole day at the beach, reading, playing, and hanging out.
hopefully sometime this week we'll find out our next project. only 3 weeks of school left!
It's monday, i'm back at school. yesterday and this morning, about half the members of my team said at one point or another, 'i don't want to go to school today...'
but here we are.
it was a great weekend. we spent saturday at jazz fest, saw the roots and diana krall and this fun zydeco band after my shift of tshirt selling. I had originally wanted to stay and see jazz fest sunday as well, especially after a friend offered me a free ticket. but my team wasn't staying, and by the end of the day saturday, i was glad to be going back to biloxi for a day of relaxing.
yesterday was definitely relaxing! we spent the whole day at the beach, reading, playing, and hanging out.
hopefully sometime this week we'll find out our next project. only 3 weeks of school left!
Monday, April 28, 2008
Jazz Fest!
Jazz fest this past weekend was awesome. Saturday was rainy, overwhelming, and slightly miserable. i left grumpy, cold, wet, and disheartened. i'd tried to see the whole festival in the hour that i was there before my shift, and obviously that didn't happen. and my shift was spent standing in the rain helping people get in and out of the musicians shuttle for which i was the assistant. no, i have no idea who i met.
But day 2 was a thousand times better. we got there first thing, so we got to see about 3 acts before our shift started. and the rain didn't come until about 10 minutes before our shifts, so i did get wet, but then i was under a tent selling tshirts and able to dry off. AND, i got to see 1. a great zydeco group. name? no idea. 2. asheson, a group from cuba, so awesome. 3. SHAMARR ALLEN. i'm going to be this guy's number one pr and advertiser from here on out, beware. but he's amazing. trust you will be hearing this name more as time passes.
And next weekend, we're working saturday, and we're working the early shift, from 11-3. which means we'll get off in time to see the roots! and the evening shows include: diana krall! and jimmy buffet! i don't know how i'll decide! well, i'll probably go to diana krall. but so cool! and a lot of us want to stay for sunday, and more than a couple people are willing to pay to get in sunday so we can see the final day, it should be pretty amazing.
oh, school's ok.. kind of meh. i won't go into it.
but we did PT on the beach this morning, which was awesome. it was amanda (the other one)'s birthday today, so it was a day for her. she led pt, which was great, we played games the whole time. and tonight we went to the casinos, where i won a dollar at the penny slots. and we played arcade games and got ice cream. all in all, i think it was a great birthday. i hope she thinks so too.
and the cake didn't get to happen tonight, so it'll happen tomorrow. which really just means her birthday gets to last just a little while longer.
(if you can't tell, i'm much happier here, despite my indifference to the project)
Thursday, April 24, 2008
playing hooky
I'm working at a school now, as i've said. and this is a wonderful school, the teachers are great, the students are great. the district is struggling, but this place is strong. they've done things like get a program called Accelerated Reader that all the kids participate in. it encourages them to read, and allows them to read at their specific level and improve at their own pace.
They applied for, and got, a grant to buy promethean boards for every classroom. These are sort of a cross between a projection screen and a white board. if you write on it, it saves the notes on the computer. the students can work together and use it themselves. fantastic machines.
so what am i doing here?
the classroom i'm supposed to be in right now, the students love me, but the teacher obviously sees my presence as a burden. so i didn't go today. i spoke to the principal who's going to try to find a better place for me, and i'm going to talk to the teacher later, but it seems like i serve as nothing more than a distraction for the students. particularly the one student who i'm supposed to be helping. she won't let me look at her math homework, but she will show me all the toys she has in her desk to keep her distracted.
this isnt' to say that i'm not being utilized at other times of the day, there's just a few periods where i think, what am i doing here?
They applied for, and got, a grant to buy promethean boards for every classroom. These are sort of a cross between a projection screen and a white board. if you write on it, it saves the notes on the computer. the students can work together and use it themselves. fantastic machines.
so what am i doing here?
the classroom i'm supposed to be in right now, the students love me, but the teacher obviously sees my presence as a burden. so i didn't go today. i spoke to the principal who's going to try to find a better place for me, and i'm going to talk to the teacher later, but it seems like i serve as nothing more than a distraction for the students. particularly the one student who i'm supposed to be helping. she won't let me look at her math homework, but she will show me all the toys she has in her desk to keep her distracted.
this isnt' to say that i'm not being utilized at other times of the day, there's just a few periods where i think, what am i doing here?
Sunday, April 20, 2008
a new phase, a new place, a new leaf
Within days of arriving in St. Bernard, Louisiana, I was depressed and felt trapped. I wanted to leave. I started smoking again. My team leader took to his bed and didn't surface again til we left the parish. There was tension between everyone on the team, showing that clearly everyone had trouble living in that environment. I determined as the feelings of being trapped and the tension pulsing through my team became overwhelming. So i made a plan, i gave myself an out. I went so far as to actually commit to going back to camp. But i wanted to give this phase a chance. I waited to tell anyone i was leaving.
On the plane from New Orleans to Sacramento, I told my friend, teammate, and confidant that i was planning on quitting to go back to camp for the summer. By that time, i'd justified it to myself in so many ways, i was sure there was no talking me out of it. But then again, i suppose up to that point, no one had tried. Kdogg was the first person who, when i said i was quitting, was like, 'no! you can't do that? and so late? don't leave the team! don't you want to finish?' Up to that point, the only person telling me that was me. I spent so much time thinking and weighing my options and ignoring everything negative about camp just to convince myself i really was making the right decision. I spent 2 months thinking, not talking, not connecting, just getting deeper and deeper into my head.
One day in sacramento reminded me why i was in americorps and what i liked about the program, all of which i'd all but forgotten.
Spring break was a break i desperately needed. The last weekend when kateri came down from albany and we had a dinner party with 3 of my favorite ladies, it was just perfect. The perfect weekend. I stopped thinking, worrying, just lived and enjoyed. I didn't want it to end, didn't really want to go back to americorps. But i was refreshed, i survived the bullshit of transition, and now i'm in mississippi.
My impressions and preconceived notions about mississippi all come from those depressing novels about the south, where women are oppressed, where the gay girl figures out she's gay then runs away. families are abusive, everyone's poor, the education system is horrible, and it's all ugly.
First off, the gulf coast is not ugly. It's actually beautiful. Sure, the beaches are man made, and the main source of income for the community is casinos, but it's a pretty place. It's still true that mississippi has some of the worst schools in the country, but somehow, i'm working at one of the best schools in the state. (we'll leave the rant about that for another night.)
Today, we went to Bay St. Louis, a very artsy community about half an hour away. There's another arts community on the other side of biloxi called Ocean Springs that i'm going to make sure i check out while i'm down here. I've already gotten in touch with the biloxi community theatre, and i'm going to go on wednesday to meet with and talk to them. with any luck, i'll get to even do some lights stuff with them. i miss it, a lot.
So, things are looking up. Kdogg and i have already started and made a plan for our team position. last phase we wanted to do more, and she tried, but i was no help. i checked out for the phase, figuring i'd be leaving anyway, so what did it matter? but i'm back. I don't know how i'm going to do working in this school. The first day was flustering, but i'm trying very hard to mentally prepare myself so tomorrow doesn't feel so crazy. hopefully i didn't lose my schedule...
On the plane from New Orleans to Sacramento, I told my friend, teammate, and confidant that i was planning on quitting to go back to camp for the summer. By that time, i'd justified it to myself in so many ways, i was sure there was no talking me out of it. But then again, i suppose up to that point, no one had tried. Kdogg was the first person who, when i said i was quitting, was like, 'no! you can't do that? and so late? don't leave the team! don't you want to finish?' Up to that point, the only person telling me that was me. I spent so much time thinking and weighing my options and ignoring everything negative about camp just to convince myself i really was making the right decision. I spent 2 months thinking, not talking, not connecting, just getting deeper and deeper into my head.
One day in sacramento reminded me why i was in americorps and what i liked about the program, all of which i'd all but forgotten.
Spring break was a break i desperately needed. The last weekend when kateri came down from albany and we had a dinner party with 3 of my favorite ladies, it was just perfect. The perfect weekend. I stopped thinking, worrying, just lived and enjoyed. I didn't want it to end, didn't really want to go back to americorps. But i was refreshed, i survived the bullshit of transition, and now i'm in mississippi.
My impressions and preconceived notions about mississippi all come from those depressing novels about the south, where women are oppressed, where the gay girl figures out she's gay then runs away. families are abusive, everyone's poor, the education system is horrible, and it's all ugly.
First off, the gulf coast is not ugly. It's actually beautiful. Sure, the beaches are man made, and the main source of income for the community is casinos, but it's a pretty place. It's still true that mississippi has some of the worst schools in the country, but somehow, i'm working at one of the best schools in the state. (we'll leave the rant about that for another night.)
Today, we went to Bay St. Louis, a very artsy community about half an hour away. There's another arts community on the other side of biloxi called Ocean Springs that i'm going to make sure i check out while i'm down here. I've already gotten in touch with the biloxi community theatre, and i'm going to go on wednesday to meet with and talk to them. with any luck, i'll get to even do some lights stuff with them. i miss it, a lot.
So, things are looking up. Kdogg and i have already started and made a plan for our team position. last phase we wanted to do more, and she tried, but i was no help. i checked out for the phase, figuring i'd be leaving anyway, so what did it matter? but i'm back. I don't know how i'm going to do working in this school. The first day was flustering, but i'm trying very hard to mentally prepare myself so tomorrow doesn't feel so crazy. hopefully i didn't lose my schedule...
Wednesday, April 2, 2008
Just a few pictures from Lousiana
Gas lamps. On during the day. Why? i dont' know. but i guess they're pretty cool...
Kristin drove all the way from St. Louis to visit! We had an awesome time. This is from when we went to the zoo for soul fest
At the st bernard irish italian islenos st patricks day parade. they throw produce (hence the reason i'm holding a lemon)
We went on a swamp tour. this is a little gator. we gave the gators marshmallows. it helps them remember not to eat people.
Thursday, March 27, 2008
second phase...summary?
Ok. I realize it's been 6 weeks since i wrote in this thing. Sorry.
I'm still at camp hope. we had a few weeks when we were at full capacity, 800 people. There are now 4 teams plus to STLs (support team leaders) living in my room. That means there are 30 girls in here. It's a lot. But i don't actually hate it. I have trouble dealing, i get overwhelmed, i've made a cave. But i don't hate it. Probably because it feels like camp. I'd hoped to get to know some of the volunteers living here, but my job has not lead me to really meet any volunteers, so that hasn't happened.
My job. I basically got my dream job as far as NCCC positions with St. Bernard Project go. I've been working with a crew as electricians. We go into houses before the drywall and insulation is up and do rough electric work. This sort of feels like i'm loading in a new show every day. except it's permanent and someone has to live here. but it's lots of crawling in attics, running wires, labeling, measuring. I'm pretty good at it. I'm slowly mastering the concept of 3 way switches.
The other thing we do is finish electric. Which means once the walls are up and painted and the floor is in, we go in and put in outlets and switches and light fixtures. We've become experts at assembling and mounting ceiling fans/lights because here in the south, every bedroom and living room gets a ceiling fan.
And now, this project is almost over. We actually leave wednesday. so in...5 days? Then sacramento for thursday and friday. Then spring break. i'm spending the weekend in san francisco, and flying to new york on monday. i'm pretty excited about the break.
Next phase, we're in biloxi, miss. we're working at an elementary school in reading/tutoring and at the afterschool program at the school.
It's going to be kind of strange because this phase we've had so much responsibility. Most of my team worked as site supervisors, and i was even in charge of rewiring a house for part of a week. Now to go be teacher's aides? It feels a little strange. It also feels strange because, while i understand that it's necessary, i wonder how it is for the kids having their support being different people who are thrown in and pulled out every couple months. And are they going to give us any training? I mean, i can help a kid with homework, but i don't really know anything about education, formally speaking. So it'll be interesting.
I hear we're living less than a mile from the beach. That's pretty cool. Living near the gulf in april and may? sounds kinda like paradise to me. And who knows, maybe i'll love the school.
sorry it's been so long. the work's been great, but i'm not gonna lie, it's been a rough phase. But my whole team is optimistic that it will get better.
I'm still at camp hope. we had a few weeks when we were at full capacity, 800 people. There are now 4 teams plus to STLs (support team leaders) living in my room. That means there are 30 girls in here. It's a lot. But i don't actually hate it. I have trouble dealing, i get overwhelmed, i've made a cave. But i don't hate it. Probably because it feels like camp. I'd hoped to get to know some of the volunteers living here, but my job has not lead me to really meet any volunteers, so that hasn't happened.
My job. I basically got my dream job as far as NCCC positions with St. Bernard Project go. I've been working with a crew as electricians. We go into houses before the drywall and insulation is up and do rough electric work. This sort of feels like i'm loading in a new show every day. except it's permanent and someone has to live here. but it's lots of crawling in attics, running wires, labeling, measuring. I'm pretty good at it. I'm slowly mastering the concept of 3 way switches.
The other thing we do is finish electric. Which means once the walls are up and painted and the floor is in, we go in and put in outlets and switches and light fixtures. We've become experts at assembling and mounting ceiling fans/lights because here in the south, every bedroom and living room gets a ceiling fan.
And now, this project is almost over. We actually leave wednesday. so in...5 days? Then sacramento for thursday and friday. Then spring break. i'm spending the weekend in san francisco, and flying to new york on monday. i'm pretty excited about the break.
Next phase, we're in biloxi, miss. we're working at an elementary school in reading/tutoring and at the afterschool program at the school.
It's going to be kind of strange because this phase we've had so much responsibility. Most of my team worked as site supervisors, and i was even in charge of rewiring a house for part of a week. Now to go be teacher's aides? It feels a little strange. It also feels strange because, while i understand that it's necessary, i wonder how it is for the kids having their support being different people who are thrown in and pulled out every couple months. And are they going to give us any training? I mean, i can help a kid with homework, but i don't really know anything about education, formally speaking. So it'll be interesting.
I hear we're living less than a mile from the beach. That's pretty cool. Living near the gulf in april and may? sounds kinda like paradise to me. And who knows, maybe i'll love the school.
sorry it's been so long. the work's been great, but i'm not gonna lie, it's been a rough phase. But my whole team is optimistic that it will get better.
Saturday, February 16, 2008
a new path
I'm giving up a dream. It sounds really sad when i say it like that, and I am kind of sad, but i'm making a choice. For a while now, i've had this idea that i'd like to go to grad school for design. And talking to Carly, who's actually going to grad school for scenic, makes me think about it again, longingly. But I think i've known for a while, and i'm coming to terms with the fact that professional light designer just isn't the direction my path in life is going. And i'm ok with it. The only part that really makes me sad is that I feel like i've lost my creative outlet. But really, i haven't done light design or anything in the creative part of theatre since before i graduated. i think it's because 1)i didn't want to do it in new york. for a dozen reasons, i didn't want to do it in new york. 2)i don't think i'm really that great at it. and 3)i feel selfish doing it. it's just an unending struggle to convince myself i'm special for doign something that i'm not even that great at. I prefer being an electrician and helping other people realize their creative notions. I function better when i'm a work horse.
Now i'm making the decision of whether or not to go back to new york next year. It's been my plan since i said goodbye to the city this fall that i'd be back next fall. But now i wonder, is that what i want? is that where i would be most useful or happiest? and am i ready to say goodbye to new york and try to make a home somewhere else? and if i do go somewhere else, where would that be?
I have an instinct to do nonprofit stuff. like, maybe i'd like to do americorps state and work directly with an organization like st bernard project or habitat for humanity. but how long can a person just go around doing one year volunteer experiences like that? can i work long term in the non profit world without getting stuck in an office?
and finally, what do i want to do when i grow up?
Now i'm making the decision of whether or not to go back to new york next year. It's been my plan since i said goodbye to the city this fall that i'd be back next fall. But now i wonder, is that what i want? is that where i would be most useful or happiest? and am i ready to say goodbye to new york and try to make a home somewhere else? and if i do go somewhere else, where would that be?
I have an instinct to do nonprofit stuff. like, maybe i'd like to do americorps state and work directly with an organization like st bernard project or habitat for humanity. but how long can a person just go around doing one year volunteer experiences like that? can i work long term in the non profit world without getting stuck in an office?
and finally, what do i want to do when i grow up?
Thursday, February 7, 2008
First day..whoa
So i'm definitely still processing just the things i've heard and seen today, and there's more coming tomorrow.
We had our orientation at St. Bernard Project this morning. Then we spent the afternoon working at various sites mudding and sanding drywall. Which would be a large chunk of my job if i was going to be working as a site supervisor. But I'm not. I'm starting tomorrow as a starter. My job is going to be going into new houses, doing structural work and framing and doors and windows. I don't actually know what else i'll be doing and what all my job is going to involve, but i know that i needed to be a driver in order to do it, and i know that it doesn't really involve working with volunteers and homeowners to the same degree that site supervisor does. Which i'm really more than ok with. The thought of leading new volunteers each week and working with homeowners and just having to be ON all the time overwhelmed me. I don't know, I sort of fell into my head while i was in Sacramento, and i haven't really gotten out. I know that i'm capable of working hard and leading and being on all the time. But maybe that's why it's ok that i'm not doing that job. I know i'm capable of it, it just isn't what i want to do right now. Zac and Liz, the co-directors of St. Bernard Project said that they wanted us to have jobs that would challenge us. There are many people on my team who will be very stretched by the job of site supervisor. Not to say it would be easy for me, I'm sure i would find it incredibly challenging, but my goals for this phase are to become more proficient with building, and to be more chill about things. So maybe this job will be the way for me to do that.
Then tonight we had an orientation to living at camp hope. Camp Hope is at its lowest numbers for the whole 8 weeks we'll be here... the second week of march there will be over 1100 people here, and the building has a capacity for 800. Exciting! We live in converted class rooms. We shower in a shower truck that's outside between the school building and the cafeteria. (Camp Hope used to be Beauregard Middle School.) This morning at breakfast, i just wandered in circles, i was hardly awake and had no idea what to do with myself. I couldn't figure out what i wanted to eat, i wanted them to have yogurt, and soy milk, and i wished that i had remembered to bring tea into the cafeteria, because i was just grumpy and out of it. But i found something to make for lunch after a while, and we found out we didn't have to be at work until 9:30, so i had a chance to wake up, take a shower, and relax before work.
Sorry it's a bit rambly. Please ask any questions, i'm sure i've been spotty about explaining everything.
I think living at camp hope's gonna be pretty ok.
Now...Bed.
We had our orientation at St. Bernard Project this morning. Then we spent the afternoon working at various sites mudding and sanding drywall. Which would be a large chunk of my job if i was going to be working as a site supervisor. But I'm not. I'm starting tomorrow as a starter. My job is going to be going into new houses, doing structural work and framing and doors and windows. I don't actually know what else i'll be doing and what all my job is going to involve, but i know that i needed to be a driver in order to do it, and i know that it doesn't really involve working with volunteers and homeowners to the same degree that site supervisor does. Which i'm really more than ok with. The thought of leading new volunteers each week and working with homeowners and just having to be ON all the time overwhelmed me. I don't know, I sort of fell into my head while i was in Sacramento, and i haven't really gotten out. I know that i'm capable of working hard and leading and being on all the time. But maybe that's why it's ok that i'm not doing that job. I know i'm capable of it, it just isn't what i want to do right now. Zac and Liz, the co-directors of St. Bernard Project said that they wanted us to have jobs that would challenge us. There are many people on my team who will be very stretched by the job of site supervisor. Not to say it would be easy for me, I'm sure i would find it incredibly challenging, but my goals for this phase are to become more proficient with building, and to be more chill about things. So maybe this job will be the way for me to do that.
Then tonight we had an orientation to living at camp hope. Camp Hope is at its lowest numbers for the whole 8 weeks we'll be here... the second week of march there will be over 1100 people here, and the building has a capacity for 800. Exciting! We live in converted class rooms. We shower in a shower truck that's outside between the school building and the cafeteria. (Camp Hope used to be Beauregard Middle School.) This morning at breakfast, i just wandered in circles, i was hardly awake and had no idea what to do with myself. I couldn't figure out what i wanted to eat, i wanted them to have yogurt, and soy milk, and i wished that i had remembered to bring tea into the cafeteria, because i was just grumpy and out of it. But i found something to make for lunch after a while, and we found out we didn't have to be at work until 9:30, so i had a chance to wake up, take a shower, and relax before work.
Sorry it's a bit rambly. Please ask any questions, i'm sure i've been spotty about explaining everything.
I think living at camp hope's gonna be pretty ok.
Now...Bed.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Welcome to Camp Hope
Where you shower outside, sleep in converted classrooms, and share your home with 700-1200 of your closest friends.
I hate the rush for the best beds that always happens in a communal sleeping situation. Everyone races into the room, and for one reason or another, certain beds are the preferred places to see. And when the bed that you are looking for is the one you will have for the next 2 months, most people are looking for a corner, a wall, a bottom bunk, a way to have space you can claim as your own.
All this, the crash course in Camp Hope, after an exceedingly long day of travel. We flew out of Oakland this morning, the earliest flights were at about 6. Which means that we had to get to the airport by 4. So we had to meet the buses at 2:20 am. And so..why sleep? I slept on the bus, and then on the plane. It was enough to give me the energy i needed to sit in the airport for 3 hours, then sit in the van for over an hour. Now, we're finally here, i'm completely and devastatingly overwhelmed, and i'm just going to go to bed and hope everything looks better in the morning.
I hate the rush for the best beds that always happens in a communal sleeping situation. Everyone races into the room, and for one reason or another, certain beds are the preferred places to see. And when the bed that you are looking for is the one you will have for the next 2 months, most people are looking for a corner, a wall, a bottom bunk, a way to have space you can claim as your own.
All this, the crash course in Camp Hope, after an exceedingly long day of travel. We flew out of Oakland this morning, the earliest flights were at about 6. Which means that we had to get to the airport by 4. So we had to meet the buses at 2:20 am. And so..why sleep? I slept on the bus, and then on the plane. It was enough to give me the energy i needed to sit in the airport for 3 hours, then sit in the van for over an hour. Now, we're finally here, i'm completely and devastatingly overwhelmed, and i'm just going to go to bed and hope everything looks better in the morning.
Monday, January 28, 2008
Personals
Last week, the photojournalist was looking for ideas for our next entry for the Common Ground, the NCCC newsletter that generally is just for the rest of NCCC to read and appreciate. But i thought that these might be amusing even if you don't know my team. Anyone want to guess which one's me? (I didn't write it)
Gold 1 Love Connection
Lonely
WSM interested in clogs, plate-tectonics and uncontrollable laughter. Looking for a special man to sweep her off her feet, literally, and carry her to the construction site each morning. Must be burley, tattoos optional.
MSW likes thrifty fun and spooning, beaches okay, forests and mountains RULE! Call 919-475-6921 ask for Rufus.
WSW loves photography, installing doors and long walks on the
WS endless supply of chocolate donuts and candy. Not interested in sugar-free or artificial flavorings.
WSM blessed with a slight touch of sarcasm seeking
WSM fresh on the market ATL with rockin’ abs enjoys sarcasm, drinking maple syrup and spilling nails. Searching for a sensitive man with a beard, 2 legs, and at least one arm. Must be willing to move to
Do you like to ask a lot of question when talking, and then answer them yourself? Well, I do. Do you think your team hates you, but actually doesn’t? Well, I do. Are you looking for a short team leader, who talks excessively? If so, you are in luck! Seeking a TL to spend some quality time with (maybe at
WSW enjoys flooring, yoga, people that share her name and Thai food. Interested in a crazy late-nighter who knows the hard streets of
W seeking ride to
M seeking sunshine and a long run. Should be able to understand jibberish and historical tangents based off of nothing. Ladies must enjoy being pampered and purpling. Polygamists need not apply.
WSMultipleMen loves laughing, telling long detailed stories and driving sticks. Searching for men ages 18-?, she’s not picky. Bonus points if you are from
MS eco-friendly city that produces great bread.
WSM with positive upbeat attitude interested in chipping out your teeth with a tiny, tiny hammer. Enjoys ending her day with hot chocolate and a sweet romantic love story, seeks same. Requires man who can read maps and find her Ameri-hat.
See someone you like? Mail Gold 1!
Friday, January 25, 2008
Bye bye Oregon
It was really hard, heartbreaking even, to say goodbye to Portland this morning. As we drove out of the city, the sun was rising on the left over the mountains, and to the right were the lights of our lovely city. Portland was amazing. I'd have to say that this is my best winter ever, as far as both weather and my enjoyment of it. I'm still taking in all the experiences i had there, so i'm sure you can expect a steady trickle of blogs over the next few days.
After a lovely 11 1/2 hour drive, we're back in Sacramento now. I think i have friends who are around here, and there are some people i will want to see soon enough. But tonight, i was quite content to be with my teammates, and now i'm going to bed. It feels like i must be crashing out early, but it's 10:30 and i've been up since 5:30. The last few days, i've been pushing and staying up later no matter what time i had to get up, wanting to get every last drop of the experience out, trying to make the most of every day.
Saying goodbye to the guys at Habitat was sad. It all feels so final. But for me, i suppose i've just added another corner of the world where i will miss people and wonder if they are missing me.
Passing out now... more tomorrow.
After a lovely 11 1/2 hour drive, we're back in Sacramento now. I think i have friends who are around here, and there are some people i will want to see soon enough. But tonight, i was quite content to be with my teammates, and now i'm going to bed. It feels like i must be crashing out early, but it's 10:30 and i've been up since 5:30. The last few days, i've been pushing and staying up later no matter what time i had to get up, wanting to get every last drop of the experience out, trying to make the most of every day.
Saying goodbye to the guys at Habitat was sad. It all feels so final. But for me, i suppose i've just added another corner of the world where i will miss people and wonder if they are missing me.
Passing out now... more tomorrow.
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
too busy living life
The last couple weeks have been awesome. We've done lots of stuff to make the most of our time here and see all that this city and Oregon have to offer. Yesterday we went to the Oregon Coast, which was beautiful. it was a perfectly clear day and it was amazing. we had dinner at the portland city grill, which is on the 30th story and had a great view of the city. we had sushi at this place where it's typical to wait 2 hours to get in, but once you get in and get your food, it's completely worth the wait. Last week we worked a ton and had meetings every night, and it felt like the longest week ever. But maybe as a result or to balance that, this weekend felt pretty long too. I did lots and had a great time. I hung out with teammates who i don't usually hang out with, and was able to really enjoy my time with them.
I'm pretty sad to be leaving Portland. I don't know when i'll get a chance to get back here, and i don't know if i'll ever get a chance to live here again. But while i've been here, it's been great. I wanted to make the most of it, because we've got a big change coming. Going from living in a metropolis to living basically in the middle of nowhere. To be honest, i'm pretty nervous about going to New Orleans and living at Camp Hope. Relatively speaking for this program, i've had a lot of luxuries (the city) and a lot of freedom to come and go as i please. It's definitely something i will miss.
I'm pretty sad to be leaving Portland. I don't know when i'll get a chance to get back here, and i don't know if i'll ever get a chance to live here again. But while i've been here, it's been great. I wanted to make the most of it, because we've got a big change coming. Going from living in a metropolis to living basically in the middle of nowhere. To be honest, i'm pretty nervous about going to New Orleans and living at Camp Hope. Relatively speaking for this program, i've had a lot of luxuries (the city) and a lot of freedom to come and go as i please. It's definitely something i will miss.
Monday, January 14, 2008
Time flies
"We only have 12 days left here in Portland"~said by a fellow NCCCer at the worksite on saturday
Now it's 10.
It feels like we only just got here, and I'm starting to finally get into a sort of groove with this job and this city. Met some nice people, Almost got some theatre stuff happening... And now it's winding down. I have to have some final reports for this project finished by midweek. Next weekend we're going to seattle, because it's only 3 hours away, and how can i not go see it when i'm so close?
And since i haven't updated in a while, here's a week in review:
Last Sunday i went to the L Word premiere with one of my teammates. It was cool, it was a fundraiser for HRC (Human Rights Campaign) and it was fun to know that i had friends going to different premiers in different cities the same time i was going in mine. The after party wasn't bad either :)
Monday we went to the falls at Columbia River Gorge. It was amazing. So many beautiful waterfalls, so many great hikes. When we got to the top of a few of the falls, it was snowing! I wish we'd had more time to spend, i would have liked to do the longer hikes. With any luck, i'll be back in this area again and i can.
Tuesday thru saturday was the work week, of course. I spent the week, along with half of the team, doing things like reorganizing the Habitat storage shed and the garage at the office (which was a lot more fun than it sounds) and doing a few 'warranty' projects on older houses. There was a house built 8 years ago where half of the porch roof shingles were stapled on instead of nailed down. So we had to take them all off and then nail them down row by row. It was a fun easy project, and it was nice to look at the end of the day and see what we'd done, to have a finished product. But it was also frustrating to know that this house wasn't completed correctly in the first place, and they've had half their roof sliding off for the last few months until we went out and fixed it.
The next day, we went to complete the handrails of a porch on another house. When we got there, we discovered the frame of the hand rails was there, and pieces of plywood had been put up temporarily because the individual vertical posts (which have a name that i can't remember) had never been put in. I asked again how old this house was, it was 9 years old! They completed this project 9 years ago, and just never went back to finish the porch. How do you do that!? It's pretty appalling. The habitat office has had a complete turnover since that era, and now these are just papers that are filed and processed and then we go out and fix things. None of the people in charge now were around then. But it's still appalling to me that such neglect could happen. How can you say you're providing people with decent homes when you don't finish them?
Saturday was one of my teammates' 21st birthday, so we went out. I've never gone out for someone's 21st when it was intended to be a wild and crazy party before. And i actually wasn't even going to go. And then i agreed to go for one drink, and a few of us were just going to get a ride back in the van. But the van came to pick us up about 10 minutes after it left, and we had only just gotten our drinks. So 2 of us agreed we'd just stay to finish our drinks and then go... Yeah, that didn't happen. There was a private party happening in the back room of the bar, and we crashed it. Our birthday girl met the birthday boy, he got super excited and said of course we were all welcome in his party. We met a few people and ended up going to a different bar with them and stayed out dancing til 2 am. So much for being tired....
Yesterday, we went to the Rose Garden and Pittock Mansion. It was a beautiful clear day and we'd heard the views were great. It was awesome! We got to see Mt. Hood, Mt. Adams, Mt. St. Helens and Mt. Rainier! I tried to get some pictures, i'm not sure yet if they'll turn out. I'll post a couple if they did.
Last night, after walking miles and miles up and down hills i was exhausted and fell asleep at 7. I woke up at 9:30, ate dinner, read for a bit, and went back to sleep til 7:45 this morning. I guess my week caught up with me.
And now it's monday again, i'm going to spend my day doing laundry and reading and hopefully not too much else.
Now it's 10.
It feels like we only just got here, and I'm starting to finally get into a sort of groove with this job and this city. Met some nice people, Almost got some theatre stuff happening... And now it's winding down. I have to have some final reports for this project finished by midweek. Next weekend we're going to seattle, because it's only 3 hours away, and how can i not go see it when i'm so close?
And since i haven't updated in a while, here's a week in review:
Last Sunday i went to the L Word premiere with one of my teammates. It was cool, it was a fundraiser for HRC (Human Rights Campaign) and it was fun to know that i had friends going to different premiers in different cities the same time i was going in mine. The after party wasn't bad either :)
Monday we went to the falls at Columbia River Gorge. It was amazing. So many beautiful waterfalls, so many great hikes. When we got to the top of a few of the falls, it was snowing! I wish we'd had more time to spend, i would have liked to do the longer hikes. With any luck, i'll be back in this area again and i can.
Tuesday thru saturday was the work week, of course. I spent the week, along with half of the team, doing things like reorganizing the Habitat storage shed and the garage at the office (which was a lot more fun than it sounds) and doing a few 'warranty' projects on older houses. There was a house built 8 years ago where half of the porch roof shingles were stapled on instead of nailed down. So we had to take them all off and then nail them down row by row. It was a fun easy project, and it was nice to look at the end of the day and see what we'd done, to have a finished product. But it was also frustrating to know that this house wasn't completed correctly in the first place, and they've had half their roof sliding off for the last few months until we went out and fixed it.
The next day, we went to complete the handrails of a porch on another house. When we got there, we discovered the frame of the hand rails was there, and pieces of plywood had been put up temporarily because the individual vertical posts (which have a name that i can't remember) had never been put in. I asked again how old this house was, it was 9 years old! They completed this project 9 years ago, and just never went back to finish the porch. How do you do that!? It's pretty appalling. The habitat office has had a complete turnover since that era, and now these are just papers that are filed and processed and then we go out and fix things. None of the people in charge now were around then. But it's still appalling to me that such neglect could happen. How can you say you're providing people with decent homes when you don't finish them?
Saturday was one of my teammates' 21st birthday, so we went out. I've never gone out for someone's 21st when it was intended to be a wild and crazy party before. And i actually wasn't even going to go. And then i agreed to go for one drink, and a few of us were just going to get a ride back in the van. But the van came to pick us up about 10 minutes after it left, and we had only just gotten our drinks. So 2 of us agreed we'd just stay to finish our drinks and then go... Yeah, that didn't happen. There was a private party happening in the back room of the bar, and we crashed it. Our birthday girl met the birthday boy, he got super excited and said of course we were all welcome in his party. We met a few people and ended up going to a different bar with them and stayed out dancing til 2 am. So much for being tired....
Yesterday, we went to the Rose Garden and Pittock Mansion. It was a beautiful clear day and we'd heard the views were great. It was awesome! We got to see Mt. Hood, Mt. Adams, Mt. St. Helens and Mt. Rainier! I tried to get some pictures, i'm not sure yet if they'll turn out. I'll post a couple if they did.
Last night, after walking miles and miles up and down hills i was exhausted and fell asleep at 7. I woke up at 9:30, ate dinner, read for a bit, and went back to sleep til 7:45 this morning. I guess my week caught up with me.
And now it's monday again, i'm going to spend my day doing laundry and reading and hopefully not too much else.
Friday, January 4, 2008
We're Back!
It's nice to be back in Portland, in this tiny little house. As soon as we started getting close to the city, it felt good, it was like coming home. It's sad that we're only here a few more weeks, but i've got a renewed energy to do as much as i can in the time that we're here.
The sky is blue, which means it's probably cold out today. I haven't been out yet, but I'm excited about sunshine!
We're working tomorrow, then we've got our regular weekend on Sunday and Monday. I'm going to try and get in touch with a friend from college about meeting up this weekend, and she's given me a contact with a friend of hers who i'm going to do some theatre work with. I've missed it.
It'll be good to get back in the swing of things. It was nice to be home with family, and i had a blast in Chicago, but i've had enough sitting around to last me a while.
The sky is blue, which means it's probably cold out today. I haven't been out yet, but I'm excited about sunshine!
We're working tomorrow, then we've got our regular weekend on Sunday and Monday. I'm going to try and get in touch with a friend from college about meeting up this weekend, and she's given me a contact with a friend of hers who i'm going to do some theatre work with. I've missed it.
It'll be good to get back in the swing of things. It was nice to be home with family, and i had a blast in Chicago, but i've had enough sitting around to last me a while.
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