tossing and turning

so i told kristin today that i was up late last night tossing and turning contemplating moving back to new york. do i miss theatre? yes. do i miss theatre in new york? i'm not sure. do i have the guts to get back into it? at the moment, no. but i could probably build those.

so what do i want? my dearest friends ask me this question, and more often than that, i ask myself. what do i want to do? what do i want to do next? where do i want to go? do i want to work on a cruise ship? do i want to teach english abroad? where? do i want to become an electrician's journeyman's apprentice? Where do i want to live for the rest of my life? how about the next 6 months? do i want to pursue a career serving people with disabilities? do i want to teach?

I don't know
i don't know
i don't know.

i want to prioritize. i want to figure out what i want.

i want to get the guts to finish filling out the job application for a part time job at barnes and noble. something tells me that this is an important step.


i have had lots of time on my hands. time for thinking. some might argue, too much thinking. but anyway, i've come to some conclusions. i want to get organized. yes, i need to organize the piles of books and clothes and papers that are strewn through at least 3 rooms in my parents house at the moment. but i also want to prioritize. when i do decide what i want, i'm not just going to jump on the ground and start running. i'm going to make a plan. budget. maybe i'll make a 10 year plan, get all the things i want to do into the plan in an order that makes sense and leads somewhere.
i've also realized that i need patience. i read about people who have opened an orphanage in malawi, started a farm in philadelphia, created great places that serve people in the way that i want to/need to. but i need patience, because i'm not in a place where i can do that. i need life experience and some marketable skills. i need to see something through.

which, actually, gets us back to new york. and me tossing and turning. everyone says, a year in new york is one of the hardest things you can do. if you can make it through your first year, then you've made it. so i made it through my first year. and i left. why did i leave? how could i have given up on that? i think i feel now that i need to go back and get a few more years under my belt, and prove to myself that i didn't quit because i couldn't do it, that i can do it. i need to rebuild that for myself. and maybe i can fulfill my wish to work on a cruise ship, my dream to work on a cirque de soleil tour, through working in new york. actually, that is the most direct line to both of those dreams. so maybe i was wrong when i said that my dream to live in new york is over. new york has just opened my eyes to new dreams. but i don't know how to unlock those, except through new york.
so maybe i need to go back to new york.

i see more tossing and turning in my future.