I'm giving up a dream. It sounds really sad when i say it like that, and I am kind of sad, but i'm making a choice. For a while now, i've had this idea that i'd like to go to grad school for design. And talking to Carly, who's actually going to grad school for scenic, makes me think about it again, longingly. But I think i've known for a while, and i'm coming to terms with the fact that professional light designer just isn't the direction my path in life is going. And i'm ok with it. The only part that really makes me sad is that I feel like i've lost my creative outlet. But really, i haven't done light design or anything in the creative part of theatre since before i graduated. i think it's because 1)i didn't want to do it in new york. for a dozen reasons, i didn't want to do it in new york. 2)i don't think i'm really that great at it. and 3)i feel selfish doing it. it's just an unending struggle to convince myself i'm special for doign something that i'm not even that great at. I prefer being an electrician and helping other people realize their creative notions. I function better when i'm a work horse.
Now i'm making the decision of whether or not to go back to new york next year. It's been my plan since i said goodbye to the city this fall that i'd be back next fall. But now i wonder, is that what i want? is that where i would be most useful or happiest? and am i ready to say goodbye to new york and try to make a home somewhere else? and if i do go somewhere else, where would that be?
I have an instinct to do nonprofit stuff. like, maybe i'd like to do americorps state and work directly with an organization like st bernard project or habitat for humanity. but how long can a person just go around doing one year volunteer experiences like that? can i work long term in the non profit world without getting stuck in an office?
and finally, what do i want to do when i grow up?
Saturday, February 16, 2008
Thursday, February 7, 2008
First day..whoa
So i'm definitely still processing just the things i've heard and seen today, and there's more coming tomorrow.
We had our orientation at St. Bernard Project this morning. Then we spent the afternoon working at various sites mudding and sanding drywall. Which would be a large chunk of my job if i was going to be working as a site supervisor. But I'm not. I'm starting tomorrow as a starter. My job is going to be going into new houses, doing structural work and framing and doors and windows. I don't actually know what else i'll be doing and what all my job is going to involve, but i know that i needed to be a driver in order to do it, and i know that it doesn't really involve working with volunteers and homeowners to the same degree that site supervisor does. Which i'm really more than ok with. The thought of leading new volunteers each week and working with homeowners and just having to be ON all the time overwhelmed me. I don't know, I sort of fell into my head while i was in Sacramento, and i haven't really gotten out. I know that i'm capable of working hard and leading and being on all the time. But maybe that's why it's ok that i'm not doing that job. I know i'm capable of it, it just isn't what i want to do right now. Zac and Liz, the co-directors of St. Bernard Project said that they wanted us to have jobs that would challenge us. There are many people on my team who will be very stretched by the job of site supervisor. Not to say it would be easy for me, I'm sure i would find it incredibly challenging, but my goals for this phase are to become more proficient with building, and to be more chill about things. So maybe this job will be the way for me to do that.
Then tonight we had an orientation to living at camp hope. Camp Hope is at its lowest numbers for the whole 8 weeks we'll be here... the second week of march there will be over 1100 people here, and the building has a capacity for 800. Exciting! We live in converted class rooms. We shower in a shower truck that's outside between the school building and the cafeteria. (Camp Hope used to be Beauregard Middle School.) This morning at breakfast, i just wandered in circles, i was hardly awake and had no idea what to do with myself. I couldn't figure out what i wanted to eat, i wanted them to have yogurt, and soy milk, and i wished that i had remembered to bring tea into the cafeteria, because i was just grumpy and out of it. But i found something to make for lunch after a while, and we found out we didn't have to be at work until 9:30, so i had a chance to wake up, take a shower, and relax before work.
Sorry it's a bit rambly. Please ask any questions, i'm sure i've been spotty about explaining everything.
I think living at camp hope's gonna be pretty ok.
Now...Bed.
We had our orientation at St. Bernard Project this morning. Then we spent the afternoon working at various sites mudding and sanding drywall. Which would be a large chunk of my job if i was going to be working as a site supervisor. But I'm not. I'm starting tomorrow as a starter. My job is going to be going into new houses, doing structural work and framing and doors and windows. I don't actually know what else i'll be doing and what all my job is going to involve, but i know that i needed to be a driver in order to do it, and i know that it doesn't really involve working with volunteers and homeowners to the same degree that site supervisor does. Which i'm really more than ok with. The thought of leading new volunteers each week and working with homeowners and just having to be ON all the time overwhelmed me. I don't know, I sort of fell into my head while i was in Sacramento, and i haven't really gotten out. I know that i'm capable of working hard and leading and being on all the time. But maybe that's why it's ok that i'm not doing that job. I know i'm capable of it, it just isn't what i want to do right now. Zac and Liz, the co-directors of St. Bernard Project said that they wanted us to have jobs that would challenge us. There are many people on my team who will be very stretched by the job of site supervisor. Not to say it would be easy for me, I'm sure i would find it incredibly challenging, but my goals for this phase are to become more proficient with building, and to be more chill about things. So maybe this job will be the way for me to do that.
Then tonight we had an orientation to living at camp hope. Camp Hope is at its lowest numbers for the whole 8 weeks we'll be here... the second week of march there will be over 1100 people here, and the building has a capacity for 800. Exciting! We live in converted class rooms. We shower in a shower truck that's outside between the school building and the cafeteria. (Camp Hope used to be Beauregard Middle School.) This morning at breakfast, i just wandered in circles, i was hardly awake and had no idea what to do with myself. I couldn't figure out what i wanted to eat, i wanted them to have yogurt, and soy milk, and i wished that i had remembered to bring tea into the cafeteria, because i was just grumpy and out of it. But i found something to make for lunch after a while, and we found out we didn't have to be at work until 9:30, so i had a chance to wake up, take a shower, and relax before work.
Sorry it's a bit rambly. Please ask any questions, i'm sure i've been spotty about explaining everything.
I think living at camp hope's gonna be pretty ok.
Now...Bed.
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
Welcome to Camp Hope
Where you shower outside, sleep in converted classrooms, and share your home with 700-1200 of your closest friends.
I hate the rush for the best beds that always happens in a communal sleeping situation. Everyone races into the room, and for one reason or another, certain beds are the preferred places to see. And when the bed that you are looking for is the one you will have for the next 2 months, most people are looking for a corner, a wall, a bottom bunk, a way to have space you can claim as your own.
All this, the crash course in Camp Hope, after an exceedingly long day of travel. We flew out of Oakland this morning, the earliest flights were at about 6. Which means that we had to get to the airport by 4. So we had to meet the buses at 2:20 am. And so..why sleep? I slept on the bus, and then on the plane. It was enough to give me the energy i needed to sit in the airport for 3 hours, then sit in the van for over an hour. Now, we're finally here, i'm completely and devastatingly overwhelmed, and i'm just going to go to bed and hope everything looks better in the morning.
I hate the rush for the best beds that always happens in a communal sleeping situation. Everyone races into the room, and for one reason or another, certain beds are the preferred places to see. And when the bed that you are looking for is the one you will have for the next 2 months, most people are looking for a corner, a wall, a bottom bunk, a way to have space you can claim as your own.
All this, the crash course in Camp Hope, after an exceedingly long day of travel. We flew out of Oakland this morning, the earliest flights were at about 6. Which means that we had to get to the airport by 4. So we had to meet the buses at 2:20 am. And so..why sleep? I slept on the bus, and then on the plane. It was enough to give me the energy i needed to sit in the airport for 3 hours, then sit in the van for over an hour. Now, we're finally here, i'm completely and devastatingly overwhelmed, and i'm just going to go to bed and hope everything looks better in the morning.
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