I'm giving up a dream. It sounds really sad when i say it like that, and I am kind of sad, but i'm making a choice. For a while now, i've had this idea that i'd like to go to grad school for design. And talking to Carly, who's actually going to grad school for scenic, makes me think about it again, longingly. But I think i've known for a while, and i'm coming to terms with the fact that professional light designer just isn't the direction my path in life is going. And i'm ok with it. The only part that really makes me sad is that I feel like i've lost my creative outlet. But really, i haven't done light design or anything in the creative part of theatre since before i graduated. i think it's because 1)i didn't want to do it in new york. for a dozen reasons, i didn't want to do it in new york. 2)i don't think i'm really that great at it. and 3)i feel selfish doing it. it's just an unending struggle to convince myself i'm special for doign something that i'm not even that great at. I prefer being an electrician and helping other people realize their creative notions. I function better when i'm a work horse.
Now i'm making the decision of whether or not to go back to new york next year. It's been my plan since i said goodbye to the city this fall that i'd be back next fall. But now i wonder, is that what i want? is that where i would be most useful or happiest? and am i ready to say goodbye to new york and try to make a home somewhere else? and if i do go somewhere else, where would that be?
I have an instinct to do nonprofit stuff. like, maybe i'd like to do americorps state and work directly with an organization like st bernard project or habitat for humanity. but how long can a person just go around doing one year volunteer experiences like that? can i work long term in the non profit world without getting stuck in an office?
and finally, what do i want to do when i grow up?
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2 comments:
a touring production. no permanence to residence and you get to see more places
Hey, here's a short comment for a much longer talk soon: just because you decide you can't or won't light design as a career, it doesn't mean you can't keep it around for fun. I totally get your pull towards social projects (even electrician which we talked about before)and the fear that once you stay long enough, you're bound to end up with a desk. But I can definitely say, it doesn't have to be that way. At least for me, working with kids allows me a creative outlet too... have you thought about working with kids' theater? Maybe high school level? Hang in there, we're all in this crazy "What am I gonna be when I grow up" boat and as long as we keep talking about it, I think we'll all learn to swim (haha). When are you free so we can talk?
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