Grass isn't really as green as you remember, or half thoughts on the topic of stress

I'm struggling. It's been a rough tech, and it's not really the hours. Though they are long. It's the fact that there is so much anger and tension in every moment of the day. No one seems particularly happy and everyone is killing themselves. For what?
And so, in this environment, I think to myself, why did I do this again? I could be in st louis. But that's just the stress talking. It was time for me to leave st louis no matter what. And I did want this. I think I just need to find something to help shield me from the things at work that hurt the most.
I do have a lot of it covered. Whenever people start being really negative, I start to hum whatever little tune pops into my head. Examples this weekend include the toys r us song and the theme from I dream of jeanie. It works. I end up just laughing and think everyone probably thinks I'm crazy.
What I struggle with is when someone speaks to me in a disrespectful tone. Or treats me as if I were incapable of... Well the list is long.
But I realized today that with that tone, the one that irks me so very much? I know I have heard that very tone come out of my mouth. And I wonder that I alienated people? But I want to learn from this. I want to be able to have responsibility and operate under stress and still have the people who report to me feel that I respect them. And I know I need to let myself be in that position in order to test it. When I left camp in august I said I wouldn't take any position of leadership for years and possibly ever again. Probably impossible. But now I wince at having to ask others to do the most straightforward things. I literally think to myself each time, please don't hate me for this...
I'd rather never use my head again and be liked/respected by the people around me than be in a position that I get that tone and make those enemies.


I think this often. That's all I'm going to say on that topic.

Nose to the grindstone

You have to take the bad with the good, it isn't always fun, it isn't
always sunshine and roses. I appreciate that reality check. Andy just
reminded me of these things. And while it didn't specifically make it
any better, I do feel better because I've regained my perspective. I
promised myself I wouldn't lose it and I did.
But I'm back now, and hopefully the rest of the day will go better.

Typical

I'm typical me fashion, I expended so much effort focusing on not worrying that I went in the opposite direction and failed to prepare at all for my first day of work. I forgot I still had boxes upstairs to load into my car until midnight and I never found that moleskine of mine and I've lost my glasses. So I have to get up in the morning with plenty of time to get all these things done and still be on time- preferably early tomorrow.
I think I would have been better off letting myself think ok this while the sun was still out rather than sitting here now when I should be sleeping.
(I still want to come back here tomorrow night and avoid my new place, as silly as that may be.)

big day tomorrow

I start tomorrow at STNJ. I guess i could write out all my worries about my first day, but there isn't much of a point, to be honest. I trust myself enough to know that I will get there tomorrow and it will happen and it will work. I will be honest about what i don't know and careful with what i do. I will wade cautiously through the first show, but when i get through it i will be ok.
that's what i keep saying to hush all the fears that are running full speed through my head. it wil be ok. i will be ok.

then i am going to go be in my new apartment by myself tomorrow night. I think i'm actually more worried about that then the work. for reasons i can't really explain, considering my love of alone time and my appreciation for the space i had to myself while living at home, i'm afraid of that first night alone in the apartment, and i'd like to continue postponing it, but i don't think i can. this is the time.

and yet, alone

I keep having these moments when i am struck by the fact that striking out on my own means i am alone. I begin a day at a freelancing job, and i am struck that i am in this alone. I go to see an apartment that i will share with 2 strangers, and i realize how much i will be living alone. These people will not be my friends. They will be strangers that i share space with. We may share a kitchen and a bathroom, but this is not an equation for friendship.
It's a little sad to me. I yearn for community. I know that i will have the community i am looking for in my job. I know that i will be supported in this, and i like the area. but i don't know. i came to like living with my parents. I had the space to myself that i needed and wanted, but when i wanted to be with family, they were there. and they need me too, it's nice to be needed.
i can't live in my parents house or woco all my life, but i wonder if it's what i'm going to always be looking for.

i'm moving into a new apartment tomorrow. And just like every step of this journey that i'm on, i should be excited, but instead i am nervous, worrying and planning and considering, but not excited. i hope that like my trip to europe and my return to the east coast last week, the excitement will come later, and that the good of this situation will outweigh the not-so-good.