It has begun

The first session of camp at Harriman Lodge is in full swing. And fully crazy. I'm not sure how this works, but somehow all of the time i spent volunteering my time and serving my community this year made me less compassionate and less patient with the guests of Harriman Lodge.
So it's been something of a refresher course. I'm sure it's going to get better. I'll get better. I'll fall back into it more as the days go on. I'm getting impatient with the staff, wishing they'd get it earlier. I guess it's the same way i've felt in situations when i had to train a second or third round of people to do something.
Liya, my crazy Russian, has finally arrived. So, for me, the summer has finally begun. Whatever else happens, I'm ready for it. I miss the rest of the support system i had built last year, the friendships, connections, and fellow adventure seekers. But i'm trying my best to be patient and let things work themselves out. I've been trying to not force friendships with anyone, just be as nice to everyone as i can. No serious connections yet. But i remember, my first year, it didn't happen like that. So i'll wait.

Does anyone still read this thing, now that i've jumped ship from americorps?

time to put the dock in

Today we did one of my favorite things to do on camp. or at least, my favorite part of being here before camp starts. We put the dock in!
We have this metal dock, and each summer we put it in as soon as there are enough people on camp to move it. and each year, before everyone leaves in september, we take it out again.
I love putting the dock in. It's such a simple task, but i love it. I like it even when it's freezing out and no one wants to go in the water. I always volunteer to go on the deep end, the heavy side. The guys always say "are you sure you can do that?" or "look how strong amanda is" or "why are the boys too lazy to come do this part." Of course, they don't realize that i do it because i love going into the water. It's one of only a handful of times that we're oked to go into the lake at all, because we aren't insured to swim in it. Everyone comes together and it only takes 10 minutes, even though there's about half an hour of waiting for everyone to show up, and 3 days of talking about it before it happens.
What a perfect camp event!

Today, it was hot and sticky and perfect weather for jumping in the lake. We would all have loved actually going for a swim.

I realized tonight as i was walking through a darkened corridor in one of the buildings that this place is probably the only place i'm never afraid. i never hesitate to walk anywhere in the dark, i never fear what may come out of the shadows. And i hope i never will be.

I keep thinking on the fact that i know this is my last year here. and if it isn't, it really should be. i've come to a time that i need to stop quitting jobs to come back to camp. so, seeing as it's probably my last year, i'm going to make the most of it. I'm going to try to make it as positive an experience as possible for myself and everyone that i work with.
I may need to be reminded of this goal later on in the summer, as things get stressful and people make me upset, but i want so much for it to be true, i hope that it will be.

spinning out of orbit

i'm leaving st. louis. already. i feel like i've hardly been here. i worked so hard to fully appreciate everything and everyone and take everything in fully. But i suppose, since i was only here a week, i really have hardly been here.
the things that struck me the most this time, and in the most positive way, was the consistencies. i've felt like my life is in chaos. and i kind of like it, but i need to ground somewhere, and looking to my home feels like the right place.
i found myself appreciating things like the grocery list always being in the same place. and the calendar where the stuff that's happening hangs on the fridge. the tea and sugar and hot chocolate haven't moved. i still know where everything is, and it's always been there. my parents say i come by my disorganisation honestly, they have the same traits. but how do i overcome them? i'd like to always know where my papers are, because i've always put them back in the same place. i'd like to be able to find a dvd easily because it's where it goes, instead of running in circles rummaging through everything i have, like i've been doing for the last hour.
how do i organize my own chaos? i've been trying. i've been sorting through things and getting rid of old crap. i've emptied my desk entirely of the years of notebooks and vocab cards and pens and all the other shit that builds up. i've gotten rid of all the shoes that i've kept only because no one's made me throw them away, and i'm going to get rid of my prom dresses.
i think i'd like to come back here, clean this room out entirely. i'd like to be able to look at my room and not see a pile of boxes containing my college life and my post college life as they clutter the chaos of my high school life. i'd like to look instead and see the things i value, the books, the pictures. the sentimentally valued things.

so i'm leaving in the morning. and i hardly feel like i've been here at all.
i felt, when kristin was here earlier, it was like she'd always been, and i'd always been, and we were hanging out, not for the last time for months or longer, but for just another time. and as much as i tried to tell myself, this is a bigger goodbye, i just said goodbye like i'd see her tomorrow, same as i always do.
my brother came to visit while i was here, and it felt like we ought to have some major celebration for his presence, but it was nothing out of the ordinary, it seemed. the strange part has been him not here. him here, at home, and me here at home is the most natural thing.

it's funny, i know, that the girl who's spent so long running away from everything is sitting here reminiscing and grasping at the straws of past times. i'm trying to find my roots again.
time for a cliche? i suppose... the stronger the root system the higher a tree can grow.
i can't even say a cliche eloquently. not my day.

so tomorrow night, chicago.