I've noticed a marked change in myself over the last few days. I can finally feel myself starting to calm down. It's like i'm slowly crawling out of a hole in the ground that i dug myself into for the last week. or few.
I spent all day yesterday reading. I read Twilight, that new all the rage teen girly book, in one day. I had sort of intended it to be a 2 day thing, but ended up just staying up til 3:30 to finish it.
I woke up today with energy, and no idea what i was going to do with my day. It's the first time that's happened. I actually want to do something, to leave the house and be productive. So it's a good sign, i'm going to apply for a few jobs today, i already applied to volunteer a couple places, and i think it'll be a good day.
I was thinking this morning about wanting to teach english abroad. I still very much want to do that, and i'm not at all sure where i want to go. I guess i'm looking for suggestions.
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
Saturday, August 23, 2008
overwhelmed
when i was in americorps, i found myself overwhelmed by all the new things to adjust to in each project. there was never time to fully adjust, you just had to deal with it while you did it. i found myself out of sorts for 2 or 3 days in each new location, as we dove straight into work and life in a new place.
but i must have gotten used to that mentality, because since i left the program, i've thrown myself from thing to thing with little chance to catch up.
so now i'm home, and it's all starting to absorb. i'm finally trying to give myself the time i need. give myself a chance to just curl up with a memory and let it be there for a while. be in that moment, remember the weather and the streets and the colors on the trees and who i was with and how i was feeling that day... it feels right to take the time.
but i must have gotten used to that mentality, because since i left the program, i've thrown myself from thing to thing with little chance to catch up.
so now i'm home, and it's all starting to absorb. i'm finally trying to give myself the time i need. give myself a chance to just curl up with a memory and let it be there for a while. be in that moment, remember the weather and the streets and the colors on the trees and who i was with and how i was feeling that day... it feels right to take the time.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
in constant motion
It is August 19th. i have been gone from camp for 2 weeks and 2 days. i have visited lesley and jack and abby and lex and britt and sean and kateri and morgan and laura and kristin. i have said goodbye to my most recent love, and continued to struggle with long distance communications.
i have spent surprisingly little time on my own, for the amount i've traveled and ostensibly been travelling on my own.
i'm worn out. my patience is worn thin with everything and everyone around me. i think it's a miracle that people are still talking to me at this point, because i feel like i've gone completely crazy.
i intended to go home and hit the ground running. i wanted to go begin being an efficient and productive member of society from the minute i get home.
...but i don't think that's going to work.
i think i need some time. some time to really just be, by myself and with my family, and get back to myself. for all that i've invited every one of my friends to live with me, visit me, crash with me, i think i might just need to be on my own for a little while.
i'm looking forward to going home. to playing with my dogs, to watching tv with my mom, to helping my dad repaint the family room.
i keep thinking and telling myself that everything will make sense when i get home. that everything will work out when i get home. that i'll find all the stuff i've lost in the abyss of my messy chaotic 2-week-road-trip-with-everything-i-own car. i think that my dad was right. when things weren't working out with my lodge at camp, when tensions were high and i was handling it all wrong, he suggested that the troubles at camp weren't unrelated to the troubles in americorps, perhaps i never recovered from one before beginning the next.
so despite my instinct to not live alone, despite my desire to want to be in those intense situations with my peers and have the live-in insanity of a camp or americorps nccc experience, it's time for me to do this.
so, now that i've convinced myself one more time that it's alright that i'm going home, i'm ready to go. i am supposed to spend one more day relaxing on the beach before i go. but is it awful that i don't want to? i don't feel like i can relax just now. my urge to move and get to that final destination is itching in me so bad, i can hardly sit in this chair.
so i'm going to get moving, and packing, and get on the road before i lose something else.
i have spent surprisingly little time on my own, for the amount i've traveled and ostensibly been travelling on my own.
i'm worn out. my patience is worn thin with everything and everyone around me. i think it's a miracle that people are still talking to me at this point, because i feel like i've gone completely crazy.
i intended to go home and hit the ground running. i wanted to go begin being an efficient and productive member of society from the minute i get home.
...but i don't think that's going to work.
i think i need some time. some time to really just be, by myself and with my family, and get back to myself. for all that i've invited every one of my friends to live with me, visit me, crash with me, i think i might just need to be on my own for a little while.
i'm looking forward to going home. to playing with my dogs, to watching tv with my mom, to helping my dad repaint the family room.
i keep thinking and telling myself that everything will make sense when i get home. that everything will work out when i get home. that i'll find all the stuff i've lost in the abyss of my messy chaotic 2-week-road-trip-with-everything-i-own car. i think that my dad was right. when things weren't working out with my lodge at camp, when tensions were high and i was handling it all wrong, he suggested that the troubles at camp weren't unrelated to the troubles in americorps, perhaps i never recovered from one before beginning the next.
so despite my instinct to not live alone, despite my desire to want to be in those intense situations with my peers and have the live-in insanity of a camp or americorps nccc experience, it's time for me to do this.
so, now that i've convinced myself one more time that it's alright that i'm going home, i'm ready to go. i am supposed to spend one more day relaxing on the beach before i go. but is it awful that i don't want to? i don't feel like i can relax just now. my urge to move and get to that final destination is itching in me so bad, i can hardly sit in this chair.
so i'm going to get moving, and packing, and get on the road before i lose something else.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
it's about me
click on the image to make it bigger or just go to the comic page here:
http://questionablecontent.net/comics/1203.png
in a daze
I feel a disconnect with my life right now. people keep asking, are you alright? and i say immediately, yes! i'm fine!
but i'm starting to realize that i'm walking around in a cloud. like i'm on my own in a bubble away from the world. i'm not sure what i'm doing, and i'm having trouble getting moving because i can't really believe that i'm here.
i don't do well with change. not a good thing for someone who likes changing everything as much as i do. but i need time to adjust to it. and when the change is something that others control instead of being my decision, i get more lost.
so now, i'm on my own. not that that's a bad thing, i'm pretty good at being on my own. but after riding the wave of camp, and then mike and i riding together after getting kicked off camp... it's always easier with someone else.
i'm on my own now, and i've done very little. and somehow i've woken up today more dazed than any day before.
i know that i need to get moving. i need to get my shit together, leave my aunt's house. i need to drive to the city and meet my friends for dinner and lword.
but it sure is nice to spend all day sat on the couch on the computer talking to friends and not being particularly productive.
but now i'm going to get moving. time to travel a long way and find my way home again.
but i'm starting to realize that i'm walking around in a cloud. like i'm on my own in a bubble away from the world. i'm not sure what i'm doing, and i'm having trouble getting moving because i can't really believe that i'm here.
i don't do well with change. not a good thing for someone who likes changing everything as much as i do. but i need time to adjust to it. and when the change is something that others control instead of being my decision, i get more lost.
so now, i'm on my own. not that that's a bad thing, i'm pretty good at being on my own. but after riding the wave of camp, and then mike and i riding together after getting kicked off camp... it's always easier with someone else.
i'm on my own now, and i've done very little. and somehow i've woken up today more dazed than any day before.
i know that i need to get moving. i need to get my shit together, leave my aunt's house. i need to drive to the city and meet my friends for dinner and lword.
but it sure is nice to spend all day sat on the couch on the computer talking to friends and not being particularly productive.
but now i'm going to get moving. time to travel a long way and find my way home again.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
a strange summer
in the last 6 weeks, or 3 sessions at camp, so much has happened that i can't begin to even comprehend enough to summarize it right now.
but the last 4 days had such a series of bizarre events, i have to tell you where i'm at right now. if you know me at all, you'll probably be as shocked as i am at my current place.
4 days ago i had a fight with one of the counselors in my lodge. then i cried most of the rest of the day. 3 days ago i had confrontation with 2 other counselors in my lodge, and went to the director of the camp to ask if i could leave the lodge because it had become clear that things weren't working for me in there. i asked to move to maintenance, he said yes.
2 days ago, my friend mike got into it again with his lodge leader, and then quit.
yesterday, i was asked to leave camp.
and if i had to summarize the reasons the director gave me for asking me to leave, it would basically boil down to the fact that i was unhappy.
so now i'm in a little in in tannersville, ny with mike, trying to process everything that's happened and wrap my head around what to do next with my life.
sounds like i'm going to make my way home to st. louis again. i might want to visit a few people before i leave the east coast. if you want to be in on that, let me know.
love to all
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