December strikes again

I bet you thought I'd forgotten about this thing! I didn't. I just...haven't thought I had much new or of interest to say. After all, this blog is about a journey and all the bumps in the road. The time spent here at STNJ has actually been a pretty smooth journey. All the things that scared me and angered me and blew my mind at the beginning have smoothed over by now. Slowly I have come to be more confident in my job, more open with my coworkers. I actually talk to the actors now. It's a little funny and a little frustrating. Sure, different casts have moved in and out every 7 weeks, but it has taken 7 1/2 months for me to open up around them. So I missed out on all the other cool people this year and getting to know them the way I have this cast.

In much the same way, I feel I really hit my stride here in the last month, and I find myself a little sad to see this experience coming to and end. But not really. I remind myself to simply be grateful that I am departing this place on an upswing. Better leave with happy thoughts and continue my journey elsewhere than to stay here and become stagnant and angry.


And the snow! Oh, the wonderful snow outside! How it harrasses me with its beauty and its coldness. The grey skies and breath-catching temperatures push me inside even as I wish to climb mountains in the sunshine.

I seem to have found some peace here.

Why I Blog - The Atlantic (November 2008)

http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200811/andrew-sullivan-why-i-blog

Great essay about blogging

Push by Sapphire

Now that I have finished it, I understand why this book is now a movie.

I heard an interview with Sapphire today. She said that people have
continuously asked her for the rights to make this book into a movie
since it first came out in 1996. She said she's happy with the movie.
She said that in Utah (presumably at Sundance) a white woman in the
audience said in response to the film that she would now look at a fat
black woman and see her as a person: (emphasis  mine)
"After seeing this film, she had to deal with an obese black woman as a feeling, intelligent person, as a person who dreams, as a person who wants the things that she wants. So we brought up a stereotype, and we cracked it open, and a human being comes forth." (link to interview)

This book is about the incredible journey of this one girl to
overcome the terrible hand she was dealt and begin to be a part of the
world. She learns that she needs not fight the world on her own.
Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe this book is about these tragic stories,
these abused women and the sorrow of their lives, but I don't think
so. The girls that Precious (the main character and narrator) meet in her literacy class, each has her own way that she has fought to overcome. They can find the beauty in their lives, and I
think what Sapphire wanted to show was the resilience of people, of
women.
At least that's what she said to me.

what's in a name?

I'm not always sure i can exactly explain the significance a name has, but i've changed mine.  so if you ever use the url to get here, it's different now.

art to science

When i was younger, i had no interest in anything science.  That was the thing my mom did.  that was what my brother did.  it was for geeks. it was too much memorization.  It had nothing to do with me, and it wouldn't affect me if i didn't pay attention to it.  ...why did i think that?
and the environment.  all through college, i had these super hippy friends who were obsessive about recycling and reusable water bottles and stuff.  and i just figured, that's their thing, i've got mine.  even in americorps, when i started, i just shrugged off all the environmental stuff.  i figured, sure, i'll recycle, that's a good thing to do.  this reusable water bottle is kind of nice, saving me money and all, and never thought beyond that.  i liked hiking, but i didn't want a project to build trails.  what a waste! i thought.
and then i changed my mind.  when? i'm not sure.  Maybe it was going to a place (st. bernard, louisiana) that didn't have things like recycling.  a place where my reusable water bottle wasn't quite so much use to me since the water wasn't drinkable.  a place where trash was piled everywhere.  maybe it was going to a place where we couldn't swim in the gulf because of the pollution (biloxi, mississippi) even 2 1/2 years after the hurricane.  How scary is that!

So now, i find that all this science stuff is incredibly interesting.  Instead of tossing away the science section of the NY Times, i pick it up eagerly.  (Did you see this?

Science helps art

FINDINGS

A High-Tech Hunt for Lost Art

By JOHN TIERNEY

Published: October 6, 2009

Leonardo da Vinci probably would have loved the use of scientific gadgetry to locate his lost masterpiece.

How amazing is that?)


and today, i listened to an entire radio program on radiolab about parasites.  and found it interesting! in fact, i found it fascinating, it made me laugh, i was so intrigued that i got home and had to go online to find the podcast and listen to the rest of it.  

have i changed?  has the nature of presentation changed to make it more palatable for me?  or have i just started finally paying attention?
and why did i ever stop liking science?

actually, i think i know the answer to that question.  When i was in 8th grade, i started really struggling in my science class.  I'd never struggled to grasp an idea before.  i'd never had trouble learning and getting good grades.  and for the first time, i did.  and i tried, but i never quite got good at it, so i was frustrated.  so i guess i gave up. 
all those years of learning cool sciencey things i missed out on!  

have you hugged a tree recently?  because it's awesome.

(photo from this guy)

what makes a friend?

I was watching Dexter tonight. i know, all my references are to tv shows these days.  don't hold it against me.  but anyway, i was watching in the 3rd season(if anyone who reads this is familiar with the show, and i don't think you are) in which dexter, the lonesome sociopath, meets a friend.  he questions how far to trust a friend, how far does he go for this person and how far does this person go for him.

and to me, the questions were always so simple.  maybe it was the way i was raised, but i think part of it is just me.  i have this notion that everything i have is for the giving, that a true friend is the person who is eager to talk to you about anything, and will bend over backwards for you when you need something.  I've needed my friends to deal with me going crazy, and coming back again.  Family, of course, is there when you need them, and there when you don't.  that's a given to me. (and yes i know how lucky i am that i have them to take for granted)

who would i get up in the middle of the night for?  and would you do the same for me?  how does a friendship survive when the parties involved have different definitions of who they are to each other?  we each have our own value systems, our own upbringing, and our own self preservation.

::tangent::
i just looked up where the phrase bleeding heart liberal came from.  turns out it means someone who is excessively compassionate.  excessively compassionate?  how does one have sympathetic consciousness of others' distress together with a desire to alleviate it too much?  feeling sorry for someone, having pity, those are apparently synonyms of compassion.  but i disagree.  because pity and feeling sorry for someone have, in this day in this country, the implication that you feel you are better than someone.  but compassion?  com means with, and i don't think compassion means with passion.  not to me, at least.  to me it means that you are, in your own mind, sitting just next to this person feeling bad right along with them about what is happening.  it means you want to do something about it because you see that something needs to be done.  it means taking power with your sadness and turning them together into good.  so when i hear the term bleeding heart, and someone tries to make it a negative thing, it doesn't work.  because i just think, yeah.  that's me.

::end tangent::

it's just that i think that if i can feel that much emotion towards someone i don't know, other than they are a fellow human being, how can i not feel that for a friend?  and if i feel that strong connection toward my friends, how can it not be mutual?

so, dexter, what makes a friend?  trust?  respect? mere company? does a person have to have something in common with you to be a friend?  i've found it remarkable recently to realise the people i talk to the most i have the least in common with.  no similar music taste.  or work. no shared history.  no shared outlook on the world.  what do we have in common?  nothing.  what do we talk about?  well, i couldn't quite tell you sometimes.  but somehow, i've learned, all humans are connected.  once you find the point of entry, any person can be a friend.

so. making friends, i can do.  keeping them... i'm having a harder time with that.  and what do we do when the other person isn't living up to that friend code?  then what?

what ends a friendship?  how many of those secret rules must be broken, how many days of disappointment until you cross a person off the list?  i've crossed 3 people quite definitively off my list in the last 6 years.  does this make me more harsh with my list?  does this make me a bad person?

A great fear

I just read an article in bitch magazine. It was interesting and incredibly well written. The blurb at the end led me to the auther's blog, which is also interesting well written. I felt engaged and curious about topics unrelated to me that usually I would just ignore.
But the writer herself is a person I am most afraid of, so I won't be reading that blog anymore.
I don't think I have ever encountered something that so completely filled me with "I don't want to be that person" fear. Single, intelligent, even funny. Also, 40 years old, single, and having never held a meaningful job.
This is a position I had never considered for myself until recently. I have a housemate who is in his mid 40s and his aloneness overwhelms me, and on some level, (though I hate to admit it) disgusts me. But I think my disgust is like that of the homophobe who is really a closeted homosexual. Is that me? I know I am only 25 and that in any person's life, anything can happen and life can change so quickly... But I am alone. This fact is brought home to me regularly as I encounter so many of my friends paired off. And in my priority of finding a job that I can be passionate about and proud of, well I'm not doing so hot in that category either.
A lot of this fear comes from my recent life experience, which has solidified in my mind that I am an Adult. And as TV tells us, once you are an adult, life is really just one long drone. Days, months, and years run together. Once a person achieves the status of grown up, the time from 25 to 40 can happen in the blink of an eye. Right?
Goodness, I hope not. It is my greatest fear.

Coming Out in Middle School

By BENOIT DENIZET-LEWIS

Published: September 27, 2009

How 13-year-old kids are dealing with their sexual identity — and how others are dealing with them.

link to article


This is the reason i no longer feel the need to carry my sexuality as a secret and a burden.  12 year olds are proudly coming out.  And while i know i was too shy and not self aware and all that to be able to even know who i was at 12, i'm impressed that kids today are not afraid.  So if people half my age are talking openly about their sexuality in big cities and small towns all over the country, who am i to think that my sexuality will matter to anyone other than the people i want to date. 

So here i am, once again, questioning what to do next.  And what i'm doing now.
Let's review, I took this theatre job because i missed theatre, i missed the idea of it, and wondered if i really missed it.  I thought, surely this place where i started out is a good place to test this.
Now here i am, a little more than halfway through and realizing either this wasn't the right place, or i in fact don't want to do this.  Which is it, though?
The thing I loved so much about theatre, when i actually loved theatre, was that I was able to combine my creative side with my practical side. I could climb ladders, hang and build things, creatively problem solve, and create art in collaboration. 
Well, my current job allows me to take part in all but that last part, and that's the part i think may have been essential.  Maybe i need to find a good community theatre to work at in my spare time, while doing something else. (And here we get into my cycle of obsessive questioning)

I obviously don't know what i want.  I want somethign different every day, and the only thing i'm certain i don't want are the things i've already done and therefor eliminated.  So living with a team of teenagers is a no.  a career as a barista is a no. and a lifetime as an electrician is a no. 

I know that i am not alone in this search and struggle.  I know that each time i figure something out it helps me further make these decisions.  But what happens when i run out of things to try?
And even harder for me, scariest of all at the moment, is breaking into a new field.  I feel like I have no qualifications to do anything else.  Or maybe i don't even feel qualified to do what i'm doing now.
I walked around campus this morning, wondering at the uselessness of my education here.  What good did it do me to have this degree with no tangible skills?  Here i am, 4 years of education and 3 years of "real life" later and i feel like i am no more prepared to be an adult than i was at 18.  And less even.  At 18 i had the arrogance of youth to tell me i was good at things and going to be great.  Now i don't even have that.

fear

Sunday night, someone broke my car window in an effort to break into my car. Lucky for me, they found nothing valuable, or maybe they got scared off. But either way, nothing was taken. I sighed, thought about how grateful i was that it was sunny on monday and tuesday until i could get it replaced, and moved on. I went and had a relaxing day on the beach... I just moved one.
But not quite. I find myself looking at the various groups of teenagers, who i see regularly in my neighborhood, and wondering if these were the kids that broke my window. I find that i am a little less comfortable walking from my car to my house at midnight after work.
And this makes me mad. I like my neighborhood. I do feel safe here. but now what? I have a new window, but i find myself thinking, is this a safe street for my car? Do i want to walk down this area where the street light is blocked by the trees? How save can i be when my car can be brokent into in front of a church?
I feel better thinking about it as if it's a couple of obnoxious kids. I had made the mistake of having my window cracked, which i think probably makes it easier to break. Because if it's just a couple of kids playing a prank, then i can go on thinking of this as a safe place. But right now, i find myself feeling suspicious of every person i see wearing hood styles and out late at night. And i hate that i am thinking that way.

I've had an epiphany. and then i didn't know what to do with this new self knowledge. And so i held it, and it festered... for a week. which inside my head feels like a long time. And finally yesterday, i sat and talked to one of the run crew guys about this new sudden awareness i had.. and then this morning, i woke up with a weight lifted off my chest. i felt that i was able to finally spring out of bed again, after the last month of each day being harder and harder. I guess, on the surface, nothing has changed. but in my head, there is clarity. this makes all the difference.

flying by

does it seem to anyone else that life happens at a different speed in the summer? Friends get married, school is over, living situations change. it feels as i read my facebook newsfeed, which is pretty much my only connection to the world outside of the Shakespeare Theatre of New Jersey these days, that people are out there living life at a speed that astounds me. how do i catch up? keep up? do i need to?
I remind myself sometimes, when i start doubting what exactly it is that i am doing here, that this current place i am in was not something i stumbled into or let fall into my lap. I consciously thought out each step of it with planning and awareness.

And what i most need to learn is that sometimes, you need to stop worrying about the next step and live. I am still certain that i want to have adventures, that i want to have a blast and a thousand stories by the time i turn 30. But i also feel that i don't want to sacrifice real experience and real connections for always finding the next thing. It's not as if i'm going to be dead at 30.
There are so many things that i still want to do, and they range from here to the other side of the world. But at the same time, i look at the people around me who have been in this company for a few years and see, beyond the frustration that comes with this company, the fact that they have connections and assurances. They have confidence (which sometimes comes across as arrogance) that they know what they are doing and they know how things work here. I just feel unsettled. and sometimes frustrated. and often like perhaps this wasn't the right path. but each time i question my decision to come and work here and live on the east coast again, i remind myself that i made this decision consciously, and that in some way that i am not yet fully aware of, following through on this commitment to the end is going to be a great benefit to me and lead me to better places.
so i've made myself feel better once again. but man, does it sound amazing to live in nepal or sudan or china or go to grad school in england or wales.

100th blog, 25th birthday

I'm 25 now. I am not so young as to think i'm now a grown up and know all there is to know.
I do feel that 25 is significant. I was concerned about where i'd be when i turned 25. Living at home and working at barnes and noble part time was not an option. I feel more confident recently that the decision to come back east and work here at the shakespeare theatre for the season was the right one. Whether it is followed by more work in theatre or something entirely different, this was a decisive step for me.
I'm also finding that there are a great number of benefits to my life sabbatical (aka my 8 months at home). I spent the first 2 months recuperating from ...various things. And as anyone who is a regular reader of this blog knows, i spent a good 6 months obsessively thinking about careers and my future. With no real answer. But in the process I find that i came to peace with a lot of things. I found some perspective. Working with Sarah, working at B&N with people from all walks of life all searching for the right thing. Walking away from theatre for 2 years to do some very real world things and come back to it. I think I am able to see things in better perspective than i was able to 2 years ago. Or even one year ago.
Life Lesson Learned.
I know that the knowledge I have gained is entirely personal, and the understandings i have may not be true for any other person, but i know what is true for me. I even understand that my own truths and beliefs probably will change. A determination to have perspective allows me to be open and flexible when i am introduced to new ideas and new ways of doing things. (at least that is the plan)

I wish very much at this moment in the tech marathon i'm running that i could take a moment to take a day to myself, to simply be by myself and with myself. But tech is upon us and time is limited, so i will use my time and do what i can. finding zen in 30 minutes or less

This is awesome

A 9 year old third grader speaking out for equal marriage rights of
his own volition. How amazing is that?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKB4sOdy-PI

Incomplete

I feel somehow incomplete today. I've checked all the ordinary things,
I am wearing all required items of clothing, I have my wallet, cell
phone, and iPod with me. In the most basic sense, that's all I need.
I'm not sure what it is.
I feel it might have something to do with my weekend's activities. The
simple act of reconnecting with friends, remembering what it feels
like to be around people I have the purest affection for, and then
some... To be in that environment, the part of college I miss the
most, and then leave it again. I have gently covered that little hole
in myself with self-assurance. I don't need anyone. But then I find
myself melting back into the place where I both knew I needed that
community and had it, it's painful each time to depart again.
I don't know if I am making sense.
I have been dealing with this more often and more specifically lately.
Being at Drew without actually being at Drew, it's hard. I remember
the emotions of being there, and really being a part of something.
It's what I have been seeking since the moment I graduated. But can it
really be repeated? We all grew into ourselves together. Even seeing
the people I lived with or partied with, it's not quite the same.
I don't want to spend my life living on memories. I have always prided
myself on being firmly in the present. But I don't feel like I am.
Maybe STNJ wasn't the right destination after all. There is more
baggage in this place and this position than I was prepared to deal
with. But I am here, I am forging new paths through the ruin of the
old ones. Developing new friendships with old friends. This place
still has the chance to be right.
But how long will I have to walk around incomplete before I get there?

Oy Tech!

The tech process for this last show was particularly grueling, and I am still catching up from it. We opened a week ago.
I finally put away my clean clothes, now that most of them are dirty again. And i put new blinds in the bathroom- the old ones were disgusting. I still haven't taken the shelves out of my back seat because I still haven't made room for them. My tv doesn't talk to my DVD player for a reason I can't figure out. And I have picked out just the right futon that I want, and have decided I want to buy these curtains I saw in the city last week. I'm just not prepared to spend that kind of money right now.
But in general, this place suits me. There is a layer of dirt covering much of the place, which I am attacking bit by bit. I wish the landlord would take care of a lot of things. But the list is so long I suspect that he will not. But the area is wonderful. Literally everything is close by. The parking is a headache, but even when I park far away I find I do not mind because I like looking at the trees and architecture.

Even so, I feel very temporary. I have been here a month but it feels still like I just got here. I guess it is better than already being sick of a place, huh?
There are some things, like moaning about work and family stuff, that I am not prepared to talk on in a public forum. But if you're curious, email me. We can catch up:)

Grass isn't really as green as you remember, or half thoughts on the topic of stress

I'm struggling. It's been a rough tech, and it's not really the hours. Though they are long. It's the fact that there is so much anger and tension in every moment of the day. No one seems particularly happy and everyone is killing themselves. For what?
And so, in this environment, I think to myself, why did I do this again? I could be in st louis. But that's just the stress talking. It was time for me to leave st louis no matter what. And I did want this. I think I just need to find something to help shield me from the things at work that hurt the most.
I do have a lot of it covered. Whenever people start being really negative, I start to hum whatever little tune pops into my head. Examples this weekend include the toys r us song and the theme from I dream of jeanie. It works. I end up just laughing and think everyone probably thinks I'm crazy.
What I struggle with is when someone speaks to me in a disrespectful tone. Or treats me as if I were incapable of... Well the list is long.
But I realized today that with that tone, the one that irks me so very much? I know I have heard that very tone come out of my mouth. And I wonder that I alienated people? But I want to learn from this. I want to be able to have responsibility and operate under stress and still have the people who report to me feel that I respect them. And I know I need to let myself be in that position in order to test it. When I left camp in august I said I wouldn't take any position of leadership for years and possibly ever again. Probably impossible. But now I wince at having to ask others to do the most straightforward things. I literally think to myself each time, please don't hate me for this...
I'd rather never use my head again and be liked/respected by the people around me than be in a position that I get that tone and make those enemies.


I think this often. That's all I'm going to say on that topic.

Nose to the grindstone

You have to take the bad with the good, it isn't always fun, it isn't
always sunshine and roses. I appreciate that reality check. Andy just
reminded me of these things. And while it didn't specifically make it
any better, I do feel better because I've regained my perspective. I
promised myself I wouldn't lose it and I did.
But I'm back now, and hopefully the rest of the day will go better.

Typical

I'm typical me fashion, I expended so much effort focusing on not worrying that I went in the opposite direction and failed to prepare at all for my first day of work. I forgot I still had boxes upstairs to load into my car until midnight and I never found that moleskine of mine and I've lost my glasses. So I have to get up in the morning with plenty of time to get all these things done and still be on time- preferably early tomorrow.
I think I would have been better off letting myself think ok this while the sun was still out rather than sitting here now when I should be sleeping.
(I still want to come back here tomorrow night and avoid my new place, as silly as that may be.)

big day tomorrow

I start tomorrow at STNJ. I guess i could write out all my worries about my first day, but there isn't much of a point, to be honest. I trust myself enough to know that I will get there tomorrow and it will happen and it will work. I will be honest about what i don't know and careful with what i do. I will wade cautiously through the first show, but when i get through it i will be ok.
that's what i keep saying to hush all the fears that are running full speed through my head. it wil be ok. i will be ok.

then i am going to go be in my new apartment by myself tomorrow night. I think i'm actually more worried about that then the work. for reasons i can't really explain, considering my love of alone time and my appreciation for the space i had to myself while living at home, i'm afraid of that first night alone in the apartment, and i'd like to continue postponing it, but i don't think i can. this is the time.

and yet, alone

I keep having these moments when i am struck by the fact that striking out on my own means i am alone. I begin a day at a freelancing job, and i am struck that i am in this alone. I go to see an apartment that i will share with 2 strangers, and i realize how much i will be living alone. These people will not be my friends. They will be strangers that i share space with. We may share a kitchen and a bathroom, but this is not an equation for friendship.
It's a little sad to me. I yearn for community. I know that i will have the community i am looking for in my job. I know that i will be supported in this, and i like the area. but i don't know. i came to like living with my parents. I had the space to myself that i needed and wanted, but when i wanted to be with family, they were there. and they need me too, it's nice to be needed.
i can't live in my parents house or woco all my life, but i wonder if it's what i'm going to always be looking for.

i'm moving into a new apartment tomorrow. And just like every step of this journey that i'm on, i should be excited, but instead i am nervous, worrying and planning and considering, but not excited. i hope that like my trip to europe and my return to the east coast last week, the excitement will come later, and that the good of this situation will outweigh the not-so-good.

Adjusting my brain

It's a good kind of sad, I think. I am going to miss these new friends and new safe spaces I've created for myself here in StL. But I feel no hurt, no betrayal. Obviously I am still feeling those past situations as I said, what, 2 days ago? But it just makes the good stuff that
much sweeter.
I always make those friends at the end, the kind that make you say, why didn't we do this sooner? I like those. Those people that still seem cool in the intriguing sort of way. So I want to hold on to this moment. I feel good about who I am and who I have been in this space. (I think I have hurt my dad in my determination to stay firmly planted in my own head, but I'm not convinced I really could have helped that.)

Remember when you were sad in that happy kind of way?
Let's smile about it a little bit together.

saying goodbye

I've had my last day of work at both of my little jobs. Part time work at barnes and noble, and substitute personal care assistant at the smiths.
When i got home in august, i felt so completely defeated. I faild at americorps, i failed at camp. how do you fail at that, how did i fail at that? but i felt very much that i had, no matter what my friends and family said. I had this idea that i just needed to get a job, and be good at it, prove to myself that i can do well, i can be likeable and succeed.
I can confidently say that i have walked away from both places in a good way. I know they like me, respect me, appreciate my work, and will miss me.
But i wonder if this feeling of constantly proving to myself that i can succeed and i'm not a quitter... i wonder how long i will continue to feel the need to prove this to myself. I certainly feel it with this new job. I know that i will be in charge again. not completely or all the time, but there will be people who will report to me, and i want very much to prove to myself that i am not a bad leader. I don't want to be the scary bitch that everyone hates. i would rather be a minimum wage cafe server at barnes and noble for the rest of my life than feel the way that i did about myself for most of this summer.

but this was supposed to be positive! I've left this place in such a good way. I could go back to these jobs, i can get references from them. i have good memories and good friends. and the best part of this 8 month life sabbatical of mine, i feel better. i feel rested and ready to tackle the world. i have this sense that i can walk into something new without the weight of years of stress and anxiety on my shoulders. i think that's how it should be.

life changes

When i decided to take this trip i just returned from to Europe and the east coast, i had this sense that i was starting the ball rolling again. Ania echoed that thought when she said she saw good things coming my way soon.
I'm glad i took this time to live under a rock for a few months. Actually, it'll be 8 months total. I think i needed it. I think everybody probably needs time to just be without stress and bills and pressure to move up in the world. Now i feel actually ready to jump in and work the long hours, to find a place to live and pay all my bills and be a responsible adult. I feel ready to consider my future as an actuality instead of just imagining different directions i could go. I mean, i'm still going to imagine. But then i think i'm ready to actually jump forward and do something.
It seems to be something of a pattern for me. I think about and consider things forever, then when i finally make the decision, it feels sudden to me. I thought about theatre and non profits and different places to move and directions to go. And i always came back to moving back east and working in new york. So to have decided to move back to new jersey and work at Shakespeare Theatre of New Jersey, in a position (lighting assistant) that was offered to me year after year starting when i was a sophomore, it just seems like the right choice.
And with that simple decision, comes so many others! Now i have to find a place to live, and put the car in my name and find new car insurance and finally get rid of all teh crap here and figure out what to take with me and so on and so on.

This is my first "real" job. I guess everyone has their own definition of a real job. And i've had a lot of jobs both before and after graduating from college. But this is the first one that feels like a real, you've finished school and now you have a job kind of job. I'm nervous, worried that i don't know enough but know at the same time that i do. I feel like for the first time i'm doing something that will truly challenge me.

When i think of my time as an intern and overhire for STNJ, i remember lots of climbing around, having a great time hanging lights and making things work. I remember also that many people around me always seemed so grumpy about the job we had to do, which confused me. It still confuses me. I mean, it's not a career you go into as a fallback, why would you work in theatre if you didn't absolutely love it?
I'm nervous because i know at some point i will have people who report to me. And i'm afraid because i know what an unlikeable hardass i was at camp, and i want to be liked. I want to be respected but also liked. I think it'll be different. No one goes into an unpaid internship thinking it'll be relaxing or easy. They go in expecting to work, hopefully they'll be like i was or morgan was, and eager to work.

You know what kind of sucks? When i get out of work in the evening and wish i could talk to my friends, the ones i've been hanging out with recently... and i realize that one, it's 3 am there, and 2, i they live a million miles away.
(ania, lena, i miss you)

reverse culture shock

There really ought to be a better way to explain the feelings that apparently inevitably come upon returning to native soil. Upon arriving in a foreign country, i never feel like i am shocked by the different-ness. i'm more overwhelmed, and it comes on usually quite slowly. maybe they should call it culture-whelmed.
But being back! whoa! it all just came racing back! Every minute, from the time i sat down at the gate in Berlin. Is that an American accent? Why does Newark airport suck so much? How on earth did i go from an apartment in Berlin to doing my laundry in Riker's basement in less than 12 hours?
Sometimes I think traveling by boat across the ocean was sort of the right idea. It seems so strange and so wrong that i could go from having tea in my own kitchen to navigating the public transport system in a foreign city in one day, and then from an apartment in Berlin with friends from all over the world to doing laundry and eating dinner in a Jersey town that usually feels all too familiar.

I think I will attempt to recap my trip a little later on...
For now I'll just say a few things about yesterday.
I went to Shakespeare Theatre of New Jersey to have what I guess could be called an interview. The interview portion went like this: I know how you work, I know that you're good and i can trust you, we pretty much just need you to talk to the money guy about what would be a reasonable amount of pay for you. He also said he's got another guy to interview, which i am grumping about but i suppose is pretty acceptable since i don't even know if i want to take the job yet.
So. The plan is, in the next month i will be preparing to either move back to jersey and work at STNJ, which would be a job that would continue until december. OR i will be looking into jobs teaching at a montessori school in one of the small handful of cities i hear calling my name. (ie, going west) and hopefully signing up to WWOOF and spend my summer doing that. Which do i want? I don't know. The second one sounds more exciting, and more challenging. If i was to go back to STNJ, i am determined that despite being sort of back at the starting line again, i would make it a totally new experience. It would be a position with far more responsibility than i have had with them before, and i would be able to learn a lot. It's a little scary, actually, to think of how much responsibility i would be taking on with that job, which i think is why it appeals so much. I'm so ready to be challenged again. The thing that scares me is that i feel like my brain always goes all or nothing with theatre. Or maybe that's the nature of the beast, you can't be a theatre person halfway. I always think i sound like a wannabe/hasbeen when i talk about theatre while working my lame-o job at B&N. But being in theatre brain, i have trouble wrapping my head around my other interests, like teaching and traveling and volunteering, all things that are incredibly important to me.

And on the topic of being at Drew...which wasn't at all the topic, but i was there...
How weird! It was nice, too. Nice that i hardly knew the students, but also nice that when talking to professors, there was no need for background, they are my background. I mention that i was visiting morgan, and they say, oh it's nice that you two are still in touch [after your breakup]<--that last part was silent, but it was there. And i agree! It is nice that we are still in touch after our breakup. I'm glad we're friends now.

I'll finish out this ramblefest with something I told Morgan yesterday, and Lex for that matter.
This trip to Europe? It was the best, most anxiety free and wonderfully exciting trip I have ever taken to the other side of the Atlantic. It was, I believe, a combination of good people and the right mentality on my part. As I said to Elena a few days ago, something about being with the right people makes the good times better, and makes the bad times not so bad. I want to remember every minute of this trip, because the good times were great, and the bad times passed quickly and painlessly.
And so, to Elena, Oleg, Ania, and Filip, thanks for an amazing trip. I hope i see you soon.

Guten Tag from Germany!

Hi! It has been quite a trip already. I am traveling with Elena and her brother. I am feeling a bit like i am the only person on earth who speaks only one language. But Lena and i are having a good time. We have picked up quite easily, and it definitely doesn't feel like it's been a year and a half since i last saw her.

You know, i had all these ideas of things to talk about and now that i'm sitting at a keyboard, they have all fallen out of my head. This is the exact cafe i sat in with Autumn when we first arrived in Berlin for our 2 day trip 4 years ago. I find one or 2 things every day that are familiar because of that trip. I feel, for one major point, that i have become a much better traveler since then.

and for all my worries ahead of time, this has been a refreshingly worry free trip!

well, until next time,
Bye!

ting

That's the sound of the little light in my head going off, as i finally figure out what it is that i've been figuring out little by little specifically for the last 6 months and more generically for the last 2 1/2 years.
A few days ago, i realised that i could stay in st. louis. I could be happy here, have friends, meet someone, find a cool place to live, find a job that makes me happy, etc. Today, i was looking at facebook, and saw that somebody i used to know and still think a lot of is living in des moines, iowa. Not to knock des moines, but i'd never want to live there.
I finally figured out, for me personally, i actually could be happy in a lot of places. I've been spending all this time trying to figure out the right place to go and the right job to try for and so on, and i'm finally admitting to myself, and any of the 3 people who might still read this, that that place really could be anywhere. sure, i've got my ideals and specifics. but as far as people go? i could find people to click with in any city in the country. what's made it so much harder here has been my determination that i am not staying here. so i didnt' branch out. i didn't look for a place to live or join any real communities or anything. I think that if was simply to let myself be here, i could be happy here. so the real task is, and probably always has been, finding a way to let myself be happy where i am.

I've made a decision!

I know, if you've been reading my blog for a little while, you're probably thinking, "again?"

But this feels like sort of a logical point of conclusion with all the different steps i've taken on this little thinktank path of mine. because while i've been thinking and thinking and thinking some more, the furthest i've gotten is downloading a few applications for different places. now they sit on my desktop and stare at me every time i turn on the computer.

I've decided i'm going to focus in, and apply for education programs through Americorps. I'm going to focus in the western United States, in states where i can also take the opportunity to do more hiking, hopefully learn about backpacking.

I came to this particular point today because i realised while i was looking at teach abroad programs a couple weeks ago that i really don't have any teaching experience. I'm not sure i'll even like teaching enough to do it for an entire year, let alone in a country where i don't speak the language and know no one? (also, i'm feeling cowardly)
Today i was looking at teaching programs that are short term or don't require a certification, and while none of the programs through Americorps are working as a teacher in a classroom, they are working in the schools with kids, the kids who need more help and attention.

I promised myself i'd have in at least one application to one program by the end of January. It's almost here, i needed to make this focusing decision so that i can get a move on. Here we go.

victims of ignorance

i had in my head this afternoon the idea for a happy post. but after i got home and walked the dogs and all that, i'd forgotten half of it. and now, 6 hours later, i've forgotten the rest.

so unfortunately, this is an unhappy/angry post.
I have this idea that people who are in populations that are often marginalised as a result are more open people. Specifically, i have this idea that the queer community is more open because of the fact that many in that community have been at one time or another victims of ignorance.

But i'm obviously wrong. http://www.365gay.com/news/transwoman-ordered-to-serve-time-in-male-prison/
I was reading this article, reading a bunch of articles on this site actually. Then I made the mistake of reading the comments. The whole situation is disgusting. Then over on the sister site to this one, afterellen, they have forums on many things, including bisexuality... where dozens of people spout of reasons why they hate/will never date a bisexual woman.
In the article i linked to, people are calling the woman in question he/she and once even IT! They're saying she deserves to be raped and killed. And while I am horrified by the crime she committed and the short sentence she received, I'm even more horrified that there are people out there who would ever wish assault or rape on anyone. The very idea of wishing that kind of thing on any kind of person just scares me.


I read an article in BITCH magazine a while back that said we, collectively, as intelligent people, need to stop commenting online. Just stop. And i don't completely agree, but when i read stuff like this, i think, where are all these people coming from, and how and why is there so much ignorance?