life changes

When i decided to take this trip i just returned from to Europe and the east coast, i had this sense that i was starting the ball rolling again. Ania echoed that thought when she said she saw good things coming my way soon.
I'm glad i took this time to live under a rock for a few months. Actually, it'll be 8 months total. I think i needed it. I think everybody probably needs time to just be without stress and bills and pressure to move up in the world. Now i feel actually ready to jump in and work the long hours, to find a place to live and pay all my bills and be a responsible adult. I feel ready to consider my future as an actuality instead of just imagining different directions i could go. I mean, i'm still going to imagine. But then i think i'm ready to actually jump forward and do something.
It seems to be something of a pattern for me. I think about and consider things forever, then when i finally make the decision, it feels sudden to me. I thought about theatre and non profits and different places to move and directions to go. And i always came back to moving back east and working in new york. So to have decided to move back to new jersey and work at Shakespeare Theatre of New Jersey, in a position (lighting assistant) that was offered to me year after year starting when i was a sophomore, it just seems like the right choice.
And with that simple decision, comes so many others! Now i have to find a place to live, and put the car in my name and find new car insurance and finally get rid of all teh crap here and figure out what to take with me and so on and so on.

This is my first "real" job. I guess everyone has their own definition of a real job. And i've had a lot of jobs both before and after graduating from college. But this is the first one that feels like a real, you've finished school and now you have a job kind of job. I'm nervous, worried that i don't know enough but know at the same time that i do. I feel like for the first time i'm doing something that will truly challenge me.

When i think of my time as an intern and overhire for STNJ, i remember lots of climbing around, having a great time hanging lights and making things work. I remember also that many people around me always seemed so grumpy about the job we had to do, which confused me. It still confuses me. I mean, it's not a career you go into as a fallback, why would you work in theatre if you didn't absolutely love it?
I'm nervous because i know at some point i will have people who report to me. And i'm afraid because i know what an unlikeable hardass i was at camp, and i want to be liked. I want to be respected but also liked. I think it'll be different. No one goes into an unpaid internship thinking it'll be relaxing or easy. They go in expecting to work, hopefully they'll be like i was or morgan was, and eager to work.

You know what kind of sucks? When i get out of work in the evening and wish i could talk to my friends, the ones i've been hanging out with recently... and i realize that one, it's 3 am there, and 2, i they live a million miles away.
(ania, lena, i miss you)