I'm struggling. It's been a rough tech, and it's not really the hours. Though they are long. It's the fact that there is so much anger and tension in every moment of the day. No one seems particularly happy and everyone is killing themselves. For what?
And so, in this environment, I think to myself, why did I do this again? I could be in st louis. But that's just the stress talking. It was time for me to leave st louis no matter what. And I did want this. I think I just need to find something to help shield me from the things at work that hurt the most.
I do have a lot of it covered. Whenever people start being really negative, I start to hum whatever little tune pops into my head. Examples this weekend include the toys r us song and the theme from I dream of jeanie. It works. I end up just laughing and think everyone probably thinks I'm crazy.
What I struggle with is when someone speaks to me in a disrespectful tone. Or treats me as if I were incapable of... Well the list is long.
But I realized today that with that tone, the one that irks me so very much? I know I have heard that very tone come out of my mouth. And I wonder that I alienated people? But I want to learn from this. I want to be able to have responsibility and operate under stress and still have the people who report to me feel that I respect them. And I know I need to let myself be in that position in order to test it. When I left camp in august I said I wouldn't take any position of leadership for years and possibly ever again. Probably impossible. But now I wince at having to ask others to do the most straightforward things. I literally think to myself each time, please don't hate me for this...
I'd rather never use my head again and be liked/respected by the people around me than be in a position that I get that tone and make those enemies.
I think this often. That's all I'm going to say on that topic.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
No comments:
Post a Comment