in constant motion

It is August 19th. i have been gone from camp for 2 weeks and 2 days. i have visited lesley and jack and abby and lex and britt and sean and kateri and morgan and laura and kristin. i have said goodbye to my most recent love, and continued to struggle with long distance communications.
i have spent surprisingly little time on my own, for the amount i've traveled and ostensibly been travelling on my own.
i'm worn out. my patience is worn thin with everything and everyone around me. i think it's a miracle that people are still talking to me at this point, because i feel like i've gone completely crazy.
i intended to go home and hit the ground running. i wanted to go begin being an efficient and productive member of society from the minute i get home.
...but i don't think that's going to work.
i think i need some time. some time to really just be, by myself and with my family, and get back to myself. for all that i've invited every one of my friends to live with me, visit me, crash with me, i think i might just need to be on my own for a little while.

i'm looking forward to going home. to playing with my dogs, to watching tv with my mom, to helping my dad repaint the family room.

i keep thinking and telling myself that everything will make sense when i get home. that everything will work out when i get home. that i'll find all the stuff i've lost in the abyss of my messy chaotic 2-week-road-trip-with-everything-i-own car. i think that my dad was right. when things weren't working out with my lodge at camp, when tensions were high and i was handling it all wrong, he suggested that the troubles at camp weren't unrelated to the troubles in americorps, perhaps i never recovered from one before beginning the next.
so despite my instinct to not live alone, despite my desire to want to be in those intense situations with my peers and have the live-in insanity of a camp or americorps nccc experience, it's time for me to do this.

so, now that i've convinced myself one more time that it's alright that i'm going home, i'm ready to go. i am supposed to spend one more day relaxing on the beach before i go. but is it awful that i don't want to? i don't feel like i can relax just now. my urge to move and get to that final destination is itching in me so bad, i can hardly sit in this chair.
so i'm going to get moving, and packing, and get on the road before i lose something else.