spinning out of orbit

i'm leaving st. louis. already. i feel like i've hardly been here. i worked so hard to fully appreciate everything and everyone and take everything in fully. But i suppose, since i was only here a week, i really have hardly been here.
the things that struck me the most this time, and in the most positive way, was the consistencies. i've felt like my life is in chaos. and i kind of like it, but i need to ground somewhere, and looking to my home feels like the right place.
i found myself appreciating things like the grocery list always being in the same place. and the calendar where the stuff that's happening hangs on the fridge. the tea and sugar and hot chocolate haven't moved. i still know where everything is, and it's always been there. my parents say i come by my disorganisation honestly, they have the same traits. but how do i overcome them? i'd like to always know where my papers are, because i've always put them back in the same place. i'd like to be able to find a dvd easily because it's where it goes, instead of running in circles rummaging through everything i have, like i've been doing for the last hour.
how do i organize my own chaos? i've been trying. i've been sorting through things and getting rid of old crap. i've emptied my desk entirely of the years of notebooks and vocab cards and pens and all the other shit that builds up. i've gotten rid of all the shoes that i've kept only because no one's made me throw them away, and i'm going to get rid of my prom dresses.
i think i'd like to come back here, clean this room out entirely. i'd like to be able to look at my room and not see a pile of boxes containing my college life and my post college life as they clutter the chaos of my high school life. i'd like to look instead and see the things i value, the books, the pictures. the sentimentally valued things.

so i'm leaving in the morning. and i hardly feel like i've been here at all.
i felt, when kristin was here earlier, it was like she'd always been, and i'd always been, and we were hanging out, not for the last time for months or longer, but for just another time. and as much as i tried to tell myself, this is a bigger goodbye, i just said goodbye like i'd see her tomorrow, same as i always do.
my brother came to visit while i was here, and it felt like we ought to have some major celebration for his presence, but it was nothing out of the ordinary, it seemed. the strange part has been him not here. him here, at home, and me here at home is the most natural thing.

it's funny, i know, that the girl who's spent so long running away from everything is sitting here reminiscing and grasping at the straws of past times. i'm trying to find my roots again.
time for a cliche? i suppose... the stronger the root system the higher a tree can grow.
i can't even say a cliche eloquently. not my day.

so tomorrow night, chicago.