a new phase, a new place, a new leaf

Within days of arriving in St. Bernard, Louisiana, I was depressed and felt trapped. I wanted to leave. I started smoking again. My team leader took to his bed and didn't surface again til we left the parish. There was tension between everyone on the team, showing that clearly everyone had trouble living in that environment. I determined as the feelings of being trapped and the tension pulsing through my team became overwhelming. So i made a plan, i gave myself an out. I went so far as to actually commit to going back to camp. But i wanted to give this phase a chance. I waited to tell anyone i was leaving.
On the plane from New Orleans to Sacramento, I told my friend, teammate, and confidant that i was planning on quitting to go back to camp for the summer. By that time, i'd justified it to myself in so many ways, i was sure there was no talking me out of it. But then again, i suppose up to that point, no one had tried. Kdogg was the first person who, when i said i was quitting, was like, 'no! you can't do that? and so late? don't leave the team! don't you want to finish?' Up to that point, the only person telling me that was me. I spent so much time thinking and weighing my options and ignoring everything negative about camp just to convince myself i really was making the right decision. I spent 2 months thinking, not talking, not connecting, just getting deeper and deeper into my head.
One day in sacramento reminded me why i was in americorps and what i liked about the program, all of which i'd all but forgotten.
Spring break was a break i desperately needed. The last weekend when kateri came down from albany and we had a dinner party with 3 of my favorite ladies, it was just perfect. The perfect weekend. I stopped thinking, worrying, just lived and enjoyed. I didn't want it to end, didn't really want to go back to americorps. But i was refreshed, i survived the bullshit of transition, and now i'm in mississippi.
My impressions and preconceived notions about mississippi all come from those depressing novels about the south, where women are oppressed, where the gay girl figures out she's gay then runs away. families are abusive, everyone's poor, the education system is horrible, and it's all ugly.
First off, the gulf coast is not ugly. It's actually beautiful. Sure, the beaches are man made, and the main source of income for the community is casinos, but it's a pretty place. It's still true that mississippi has some of the worst schools in the country, but somehow, i'm working at one of the best schools in the state. (we'll leave the rant about that for another night.)
Today, we went to Bay St. Louis, a very artsy community about half an hour away. There's another arts community on the other side of biloxi called Ocean Springs that i'm going to make sure i check out while i'm down here. I've already gotten in touch with the biloxi community theatre, and i'm going to go on wednesday to meet with and talk to them. with any luck, i'll get to even do some lights stuff with them. i miss it, a lot.

So, things are looking up. Kdogg and i have already started and made a plan for our team position. last phase we wanted to do more, and she tried, but i was no help. i checked out for the phase, figuring i'd be leaving anyway, so what did it matter? but i'm back. I don't know how i'm going to do working in this school. The first day was flustering, but i'm trying very hard to mentally prepare myself so tomorrow doesn't feel so crazy. hopefully i didn't lose my schedule...