It's the same as saying only i can say mean things about my family, i guess. for me, i mean. Or maybe it's not. i'm having trouble trying to figure it out, or at least how to explain it, but it feels like i'm protecting the fortress of my own decisions.
i wanted to be an occupational therapist for a hot minute, but i pursued that to a certain point, and it didn't feel right. i found a place in new york that is the kind of place i thought i wanted to work. basically, it was a gym with OTs and PTs and such and they worked with the NY public school system. conceptually, when i was exchanging emails and asking questions, even in person asking questions about schools, i was like, this is ok. And then i met a couple kids, they were cute, it was all quite familiar... and there was nothing particularly wrong. it just didn't feel right. this gut feeling telling me, i don't want to be here. i was ready to leave an hour earlier than i was supposed to, and by the time i did leave, i was done. no more questions, no more interest.
was it that school? is it the feeling i have every time i encounter the ny public school system, that it just seems so dirty and convoluted?
that was in november, and 6 months later, i'm still not sure. and i'm still not ready to cross that career off the list, i just know that i'm not doing it here.
the list of careers i could potentially have, just not here, is growing. does this mean i'm in the wrong place? or does it mean that i really don't want those jobs? i'm not sure.
i feel like there is something out there that may be more Right for me...but i haven't found it yet.
for me to leave theatre again, i need to feel compelled. the basic bleeding heart non profit stuff elicits little more than a shrug from me these days. i might be getting too new york or too disconnected, but i feel a lot of the time like i'm empty and something is missing. except, about 70 % of the time, when i'm working in theatre. the work may not be perfect for me, it may be mundane at times, and not well paying at times, but it's the only thing i keep returning to, so that must mean something, right?
i need to find more work. i know. my family i'm sure worries as i don't really seem to be using my college degree, and don't seem to be quite making a living.
and yes, i do spend about 3 days a week thinking that perhaps i should think about doing something else.
all i know is that i love this world of theatre. and where else can i see the most talented actors in the world doing any number of high quality shows any night of the week? nowhere. so i've got to stay here.
but, you know, ask me again tomorrow.